I need to make a new song and it

Needs to slap like my palm to your face

Consenting and real and in place

Deep in a secret smooth way

Light on the surface but

Doused all in rain

Trembling trebel

And simmering bass

A foregone collision

Of palm to your face



It’s been a while since I’ve been here, and I don’t know what to say even now. Everything feels too real and raw to put here. It’s not for this and I’m not going to write it out. So why, really, am I bothering to write this at all? Good question. Maybe to just type through some banalities. One of the guides quite and moved to a different state and now I’m on every fucking day of the week and it sucks. My last two got cancelled because no one signed up, but still… waiting to see what will happen kinda wrecks my whole day. I went to the gym today for the first time in way too long. I’ve felt paralyzed. deep deep deep existential paralysis that I’m not going to get into even a little bit, but it’s made it hard for me to do my normal stuff. I can feel my goals and feel myself fucking them up, but they are behind an opaque curtain. I’m tired. I finished my (well-before actual mid-term) mid-term in a panic the other night. My own fault, but also the instructor didn’t tell us shit about what it was going to be like. He has plenty to say about nothing, platitudes and “I’m always here for you if you need anything” but he dropped the mid-term with no more instruction than “it’s due the 24th”. And it was 10 questions that seemed like all short answer, and I gave myself 6 hours (not counting extra time for procrastination) to do it. It wasn’t. I got to the last question 35 minutes before the deadline and it’s a prompt for a while fucking paper. It’s 3 questions in one, asking for citations from a shit ton of different texts. It was a question that I could have answered in a 5 page paper, and I had 35 minutes. So I started freaking the fuck out and typing full speed, pulling things from my brain and re-using things I’d quoted in earlier questions because I didn’t have time to look up a bunch of new shit. Full panic mode I wrote and wrote until 11:58, and got it turned in at 11:59. Brutal. I was expecting probably a C, a B if I was lucky, I got fucking 94%, so that’s cool. But I was still super pissed at the instructor for not telling us to set aside like… 3 fucking days to take this test. He was just like “here it is”. Whatever. anyway, whatever. Right now I don’t technically have anything due, but I have stuff due tomorrow, and I would rather get it done now. It’s all a lot and it’s also a lot and yeah. I’m trying to do right by everyone, and neglecting myself in a bunch of different ways. I don’t want to think about it anymore. I’m just going to go


Perspective is such a strange and illusive thing. I feel afraid I’ll curse myself, somehow, by writing here, and I rap my knuckles on wood. The new neighbors have a child, and possibly an illegal pet of some kind. A cat, probably, because I haven’t heard barking. I did hear a *ton* of child footsteps charging up and down the stairs, and delighted squeals and crying. It would suck to live here with a kid. People came to do an inspection of our apartment, because another company is considering buying the complex. I don’t know what that means for the future of us living here, but I guess we’ll see. I should try to sleep now, for a couple hrs, but I’m many things and tired is only one. 

Mending wall

I worry and worry and worry. It’s heavy on me and I feel like even to write it directly would be a curse, so I won’t. Even still, even still. I just dropped $60 on textbooks, and it’s likely I’ll have to spend more soon. It annoys me when I can’t find e-book versions, (preferably FREE e-book versions) of my textbooks, and I have to have physical copies like some sort of peasant. I’m doing an assignment right now that’s going to be turned in late, but maybe it won’t be a huge deal… I’m not sure. It is whatever it is, I suppose. Honestly, I have no idea what I’m doing… like… about anything… ever. So far I really haven’t gotten a good start to the semester. I’m not sure what my deal is, but I trust myself to get my shit together. *knocks on wood* We went to the library the other night, and I got 5 books. I’m almost done with one of them (it’s a graphic novel, so no great accomplishment) but it’s been a significant while since I’ve read a physical paper book, and it is nice. I want to do more of it. I had a tour tonight and it went really well. First one I’ve had in over a week, and I need the money so it was good, but as usual I did not want to actually go and do it at all. But, it went really well. One of my best ones really. It was just two people, which is always kinda weird, but more or less weird depending on what they are like. They were both very tall, lovely human specimens. Him with a puerta-rican accent somewhat faded by 9 years in the states, and her with a wide bright smile. I could tell right away they would be a good little audience, and they were. Total believers, which is always a bit more fun for me. It’s easier for me to make them get into it. At one spot they were trying to take pictures after I told them “this is the spot, just last week, where two people both got pictures of a creepy translucent face up in that window” (which is a thing that did happen, but it was like 3 months ago, but like… that doesn’t sound as good from a storytelling standpoint) And as they were trying to take pictures both of their cameras started glitching out, and neither would let them actually take a picture when they were pointed at that spot. They both started freaking out, getting really excited, and I was definitely seeing it happening, and I was hyping it up “wow! that’s so cool! I’ve never seen that happen before! How awesome!” but my skeptical, jaded ass was like... eeeeehhhhh whateva it’s probably nothing internally.  But they had a really good time, and the lady kept saying that I was so good, that I was amazing, and then at the end she asked if she could give me a hug, and I was like LOL sure, and it felt like hugging a majestic giantess.  Alright, it’s time for me to Very Quickly finish up this already late assignment, and send it off to my professor with apologies and a healthy dose of “the instructions were confusing” (which is true) and generally see how that goes. Peace.