all filler no killer

Maybe I’m going to expand on my life here today, because it takes me forever to make an entry on my phone like I did last night, so I gotta keep it short. Currently writing a soul-death article about Grifco garage door remotes and transmitters. Fucking tight. Coffee is kicking in and making me restless style, but also awake, so it’s whatever. The dude who I was training with last night is named Charlie, and I said he was santa clause because he looks like santa and also he literally dresses up in a $600 Santa suit and *Bees Santa* every year. And I can’t decide how I feel about him. He was easy to talk to, and the most helpful person I’ve encountered so far And he wasn’t condescending. but he also leched at and sort of hit on two beautiful young women from Russia who were there for the tour. (They were like… model hot. and it was like joking fun style not super creepy, but also like… kinda gross to me)And then later in the night he said some dumb heteronormative shit like “you meet a lot of beautiful ladies on this job”, and then he looked at me and said “And handsome guys” and I was just like… uuugh, don’t assume I am str8 and like guys. But also I was kinda like… fuck it, let’s meet some handsome guys. *shrugs* Anyway, apparently he became a guide faster than basically anyone else ever has, which is what I want to do, soooo yeah. I’m not scheduled for anything tomorrow, but he said I could shadow his tour if I wanted to, and maybe I want to. How much do I actually care about this? How much time do I actually want to devote to it? That’s a good question that I should ask myself… So I’ll just put it on the pile of other Good Questions I Should Ask Myself, and deal with it later. Nice coping mechanism myself! Okay, I’m guna punch this article in the face with my diiiiiick, and then maybe I’ll be back. *later* Okay, done with that one. Four more to do today, and all the topics are fucking terrible bottom of the barrel bullshit. Really stretching my brain to make them work. Okay, 3 done 3 to go. I think I’m going to take a break and get a workout in, because I’m at peak caffeine and I’m going to be pissed at myself if I don’t do it. Soooo *peace sign* I think I’m just guna end this weird stupid entry here, instead of carrying it on and on as I tediously finish three more stupid articles. I want to be a robot with no emotions, so I’m going to pretend that I am. Laters.

Insoluble 

Fuck I’m tired. In like… A soul way. Last night was emotionally heavy for me. Today was the second day of training for the weird little side job I just got. I keep going back and forth about it. I’m the only one who doesn’t have a shirt yet. Got trained by Santa Claus. He stole my clipboard away from me. I think I know the route now mostly. Met a bunch of the other people who work there. Only one lady guide so far. It was kinda nice to be around weird different people, but I always second and third and fourth guess every word that comes out of my mouth. I dunno. It’s a weird group and I’m not sure if I can see myself being part of it or not. Everything feels too heavy for me to hold. A black smoke pall just… Hovering. Writing more terrible things for money and thinking too much and hearing probably gunshots. I don’t know what I’m doing or where I’m heading or what’s going to happen. I just keep walking. One day and hour and step at a time. I have stuff to deal with on Monday but I think… I think… I think tomorrow is mostly mine, apart from the six articles I have to write. Not sure what I want to do with it. 

Thirst day

I need to get my shit together. I still feel paralyzed, unsure, nursing a stubborn kernel of hurt. I feel irrationally stuck, like if I leave the house, the couch, something terrible will happen just behind me. I don’t know. I haven’t exercised nearly enough. Drinking and eating tooo much. I need to get my shit together. How can my soul feel so heavy and so drained at the same time? My birthday is coming and I don’t want it. I’m afraid of tomorrow, of how I’ll be and what will be. I should bring a little notepad

@}}>——

I got into grad school. It’s good. I’m glad about that. It’s a thing I wanted, and I was really afraid it wasn’t going to happen, but it looks like it did happen. So that’s good. That’s something that I’m locking up into the good compartment. As for the rest of it and me, I don’t know. I keep swinging wildly back and forth between it’s okay and it’s really not okay at all. Whoops, there I go again. There I go again. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to deal with it. restless and a wrenched heart. Trying to find precedence and perspective but sort of finding neither. ¬†I haven’t exercised in days, and what am I even worth? A plague and paralysis upon me. What else? what else? what else? what else? Why am I this weak? Why don’t I do something? Okay. not okay. okay. not

Tiny

Tomorrow (today) is the fourth. America is fucked and the theme of my family’s party is going to be “please take us back” with like British flags n shit. It should be pretty funny. I still haven’t heard about grad school or about that job or about fucking anything and I’m freaked about it, but trying to stay cool. Trying to be cool. My mom said I should wait till after the 4th to try and email anyone about stuff, and that’s probably a good call. I really want to get in. Ugh. Anyway, I got new tires on my car today, cuz I kinda had to. It sucked and took 3 fucking hours. But they forgot to charge me the $12 per tire balancing fee so there’s that. I’m tired. I should try and sleep and then be awake tomorrow. I should read a little bit of the stupid book I’m reading and then sleep. Peace.