Sometimes I want to die and sometimes I want to die antwood. (‘cept not really cuz I don’t like that band too much.) It’s hard to understand what to think. What’s true when you seem so 100% convinced in both instances? You love me and you want to leave me. You want to fuck me and you find me completely unfulfilling sexually. Sorry, that’s probably too harsh. But it hurts my soul to hear those things from your face and your voice. And I am weak against you. It is hard for me to hold that tiny spark of non-belief in such a moment. You are intense and convincing and I am mentally preparing to dial 911. Mentally preparing to depart from you and hope you will find sanctuary somewhere else. I am an atheist. apologist. A paper airplane. And then you exclaim your excitement over me. Over our bed and how happy you are to share it with me and I believe you. I am drunk and here and glad. I want to go to the beach tomorrow. I want to go to my place in New York. It’s free of renters for the next two weeks and maybe I can get a cheap flight out. I’ll take the train downtown.
i didn’t realize the power of what she had given me, really. The actual items, bought with money, were lovely and thoughtful. But it was those cards that got my heart. No one had ever done anything like that for me before. “coupons” I guess you could say. But for thoughtful things. Incredible things. And i am glad now that she gave them to me so early. Really it’s priceless.
Soooo last night I ended up having a huge breakdown instead of having fun and sex. My S.O was feeling good and positive for the first time in like two weeks and I couldn’t just be there and enjoy it. Noooo I had to freak out about a stupid fucking mistake I made and just fall into a fucked up emotional spiral. It’s like…. I’ve been trying to be supportive so much that I shut my own emotions down almost. I make them small and don’t feel them and last night it was like **safe** to feel them so I FELT THEM ALL. But… goddamnit! that’s not how I wanted things to go. But my S.O was waay nice about it and supportive and just held me for a long time and went downstairs with me and watched THE MATRIX on VHS with me for a while because I couldn’t sleep. I woke up feeling stupid about it and guilty for ruining what could have been a good night, because good nights are not something that come in great abundance. Also drained and still stressed over having to deal with said mistake… but oh well. It still hasn’t been resolved and I’m afraid I wasted an hour of my life writing an article I won’t get paid for because I clicked *one* wrong button. Anyway, I’m hoping tonight will be better. We’re destitute and I spent our last $4 on cheap liquor because fuck it. I’m getting money tomorrow. Not much but enough for survival purposes. Peace out human specimens.
I really really really need my netbook to be here like… a week ago. I’m typing this from my laptop that can *only* get a power connection of it’s jammed up against the back of this chair. If I move it even an inch I may never be able to get it to work again. Also, my keyboard doesn’t work so I’m using a USB keyboard and it’s all extremely awkward and not comfortable and nowhere even remotely close to a good working environment. It’s seriously hard to deal with. It’s seriously killing my productivity. I should have just gotten a chromebook instead of trying to deal with these ridiculous people in China yanking me around for over a fucking month. At the bottom of all the e-mails they send me it says “Friends Forever!” I’m like….. really? ARGH! I NEED that goddamn thing. ***fumes*** Anyway, I should stop complaining and get back to my awkward uncomfortable work. Last night Carrie ended up crashing out on our couch because she was hella drunk and didn’t want to drive home. (good call!) We had quite sex upstairs and hopefully didn’t wake her. It was still really good. Ooooooooookay. For reals. I’m gone.
Last night started out poorly really. He was depressed and I sat there trying to do my best to make things better but it is hard. We drank. I made food. It started to rain and thunder and we went outside. We took a walk around the block and I took a cigarette with me. “That’s not going to stay lit.” He said to me as we walked in the rain and I sparked it up. “Yes it will.” I took a deep drag to get it really burning. We walked and it burned. I started talking in a British accent for some reason. There was thunder and lightning and it was probably stupid to be outside but such things are troubles for sober minds. As we came back around the block the sprinklers were going. Stupid during the rain. We ran through them and my cigarette stayed lit. I chased him around under the water. Neighbors peaked their heads out to see what was happening, but said nothing. Did nothing. We finally sat down on the grass in the middle of three sprinkler heads just getting doused. Laughing and talking and my cigarette still burning against all odds. I took another drag and another and then the filter was too soggy to work anymore so I dropped it into the wet grass and let it go out.