Shout out to all my new followers! I have quite a few and the majority are random strangers. So, what’s up? Thanks for your interest. At least 5 of the people who have followed me recently are religious-y and have Jesustacular blogs. I’m confused about why they would follow me. Do my strange and kinky posts make you want to save my sin-sational soul? Or are you just curious? Well, I’ll say straight up that I’m a very passionate atheist, and nothing short of god reaching down and slapping me on the face with his own divine palm is going to convince me otherwise. I believe in science, evolution, falsifiability, rational thought, and compassion. I believe in Helping others and being a good person because it is the right thing to do, not because you think it will earn you tickets to somewhere nice once you’re dead.
Anyway…. enough of that rant. If you still want to follow me, awesome.
So, anyway… a lot of those things I said I wanted in my previous entry happened. I’m wearing his hoodie right now but not out of cold-ness. Just because it feels nice and comforting and I am weak. Even more now because of unfortunate lady reasons. Buuut yeah, last night was intense and good and I needed it. We needed it I think, maybe. He hurt me and it was consensual, intense, nearly overwhelming. Afterward he held me for a very long time and then we had sex and it was perfect. It left me wanting more and more and more, to feel him inside of me again and again until I can’t even move or think. Woah, but I digress. I’m sore all over and stiff and moving hurts and so does not moving. But it’s good, amazing. I feel calmed and relieved and like myself. (also safe, and loved.) So… that’s pretty much all I’m going to say for now. I have lots of things I should be doing, but I might take a tiny nap instead, I dunno. We’ll see.
and it’s night time and dark. quite things that fall between the cracks of this now foreign feeling keyboard. and so, He said He wanted to be the one to leave bruises on me. but now at this time when i cannot sleep because of desire of this very thing, He is asleep, and sickly. i would not wake Him, lest He fall ill. maybe it isn’t exactly bdsm kosher if i want to feel fists pounding into my legs, and upper arms, and mid-section maybe. fists don’t seem to be a thing most kinky people utilize. but really there is no faster route to a bruise. Ugh. i’m sick in my own way. depressed. can’t stop my mind from obsessing over the mortality of everyone i love. how can i waste my time asleep, when i could be writing poems to lay at all their feet.
Yooooo! I’m pretty much loving my tiny laptop. (except windows 8 sucks but I’m getting used to it and also the space bar is a little weird but I’m getting used to that too.) But really, it’s awesome and pretty much exactly what I wanted / needed. I have not had a fully functional computer for a loooooonnnnnng while. *self high five* I’m really happy with it. I haven’t bothered to try and call the credit card companies to see if they can help me with that money I lost… but… I still should. I just ugh hate talking on the phone especially to call center people. But really I’m super happy about this piece of technology. It’s so small and light weight and pretty much exactly what I wanted. I just realized last night that it doesn’t have a CD player which is okay I don’t actually need one, it’s just kinda weird. I’ve never had a computer without one before. But it’s really small so I don’t really see where they’d put one anyway.
………….. In other news……………
We saw Murder by Death in concert last night. It turned out that they weren’t going on until like 11pm so we were there *way* too early. We walked around downtown and got a drink and pizza and it was raining lightly and beautiful. Before we decided to go for a walk we were in the venue we saw these three guys playing pool (quite well) and we were talking to my cousin and her friends and sort of in their way. We didn’t pay much attention to them besides that. However, a few hours later when Murder by Death finally took the stage we realized that it was the main goddamn singer and the 2 male members of the band playing pool right next to us for like an HOUR and WE DIDN’T RECOGNIZE THEM. We all sorta freaked out about that. They played pretty much every song that I really wanted to hear. We were riiight up close to them, (as you can see from the pics) it was a tiny little venue. The cello player is my favorite. She’s super talented and Mike and I joked the whole time that we were going to steal her for out band.
Buuut yeah. They’re one of my favorite bands. Their new album is awesome.
So! I’m going to stop writing this now. I have adult chocolate milk and potato vodka and cheese flavored popcorn so… peace!
Heeeeey! I just got my new netbook and honestly I’m making this entry in order to get a little bit more comfortable using the keyboard. It’s pretty familiar but I dunno, everything is slightly different. The backspace button is further away than I feel like it should be. So far I absolutely abhor windows 8 and I’m thinking about trying to get a copy of windows 7 instead, but I guess I’ll try to use it for a little while longer before making that decision. I have to write a paper and ugh my brain just doesn’t want to do that at all. But, oh well. I guess I better get on it. Maybe I’ll drink while I write.
I can’t wait for my new laptop to arrive. It should be here Monday. Not having a working computer makes online classes and my article writing job very difficult. I’m really tired of borrowing my dad’s hulking dinosaur laptop that has no memory and gets so goddamn hot I can’t even hold it after like 15 minutes. I’m still really pissed off / slightly depressed that I lost $200 to a fucking ebay scam. There doesn’t seem to be any way for me to recover the money, which really bothers me and makes me rage because that’s enough to get one of our songs professionally mixed but I just fucking lost it and uuuuuuuuuugh. So on Monday or Tuesday when I have some time I might try calling some of the ebay / paypal higher-ups. My dad found a bunch of numbers for me. I don’t know if they’ll be able to do anything because it’s *been more than 45 days* (because I was dumb and gullible and naive enough to believe this company was actually going to send it to me and it was just taking a long time) but I’m willing to give it a try. I’m not quite ready to just give up. (I’m also not done being mad at myself over it.) I have lots of work to do and that’s what I definitely should be doing but uuuugh. I just want to mess around on the internet and watch netflix and not use my brain until it turns into goop and drips out of my nose and makes it easier for the Egyptians to mummify me.
I just escalated my e-bay case and they said they’d get back to me within 48 hours. But really I’m trying to learn to accept this as a loss because I don’t see anyone helping me at all. My own stupid fault. My own ignorance, naivety, misplaced trust, call it what you will, it all amounts to the same. I want to be friends with you but I can see why you don’t like to drink. I kinda can’t stop replaying all the tiny little probably innocuous things you said that hurt my feelings to one degree or another. Maybe I’m just hurt that you left me and came back and feel so comfortable so quickly. You don’t know everything. I seriously can’t stand to hear you tell me how I should do my art. Don’t talk shit about how I shouldn’t invest money in creating the product I want to create. People aren’t going to magically come to me and help me make everything perfect for *free* No. Just, no. That’s not how anything works and that’s not the kind of ‘support’ I need from a friend, or from anyone. I just hope my brother wasn’t upset by it, mostly. Mostly. He’s less emotional than me I think but maybe he’s just more Vulcan style than me. Keeping that shit all under wraps. Whatever, Breathe, continue. I honestly wouldn’t be surprised in the least if you woke up tomorrow feeling sick and stupid and remembering why you wanted to stop talking to us in the first place. No expectations. No alarms and no surprises. My love is feeling sick and sleeping downstairs on the couch. I would much prefer to have his arms around me at this time. I am alone with my too many thoughts and hope I can find my way into the dreaming.