I don’t waaant to work! It’s boxing day! I want to play my bass! I got an amp for xmas and it is amazing. I was borrowing my brother’s piano amp which worked but really isn’t made for a bass… so when I plugged it into an *actual* bass amp it was magnificent and choirs of angels shot out at the speed of sound. I also want to read books! Yeah! books! We got this crazy adventure time book from a friend and it’s pretty weird, but awesome. I also want to take the GIANT SWEING NEEDLE that I borrowed from my parents’ house and use it to sew all the weird loose hairs into my boyfriend’s dreads because it sorta bugs me to see all those loose hairs. 😛 Ummm…. yeah! xmas was yesterday and it was pretty crazy sauce and draining. The morning part with just my family was fun. Really fun. The later part where extended relatives showed up was much much much less fun. It was sooo chaotic and oh man it’s such an insane whirlwind of present opening and no one even knows what’s going on and it is incredibly chaotic like you don’t even know how chaotic it is. Totally nuts. But nothing super dramatic happened, so that was good. We got out of there at around 10, which was before everyone else left.

-two days later-

Today is Saturday, the 28th, and tomorrow I’m going into Rio to do some recording with my brother. Hopefully it will go well. Right now I feel exhausted. Wicked tired! all day long. I think I’m going to make some coffee. I don’t really have much to say. I have some wine to drink a little later, and other stuff and I dunno… yeah. Peace.

xmas style

Heeeeey. ‘sup? I have two more articles in my queueueue right now that I didn’t really want but I have weekly quotas and shit so it’s okay, I will do them. I reallyreally wanted my money to come in today so I could buy myself some goddamn jeans because I don’t have any like…. at all… but my money isn’t coming in until tomorrow and i have $50 in the bank right now but i’m going to have to use the majority of that on xmas style things i think. So…. this means i might have to go out early tomorrow on xmas-eve-day for a pants-buying mission (assuming my money even fucking comes in by then x_x) plus groceries and other supplies. So, i will have to wake up early to do all that. ugh. I dunno, i just am feeling overwhelmed suddenly.

**mediocrity update**

I did end up having enough money to go get some jeans. I went to the thrift store, got two pairs for $13 which is pretty fantastic. One pair has these weird swirly brown slightly sequen-y embroidery things down the sides of them, which was sorta weird and I was like… is this too childish looking? but then I was like… fuck it. They fit me and they cost 6 bucks and I don’t really care, so I bought them. THRIFT STORES 4 LIFE !!ii!!ii!!  I got a $50 xmas bonus from my job, which is also fantastic. I’ve never gotten a bonus before in my LIFE. Like… really… I don’t think I have. I know it’s not a huge amount but for me… it is super awesome. The money won’t be available to me for like another week, but that is beside the point. The point is… Hell yeah! Bonus style! I love my current job. It is **the best** form of employment I have ever had in my life and I can only hope it lasts a long time. *knocks on wood* Even though I complain about it a lot and it is really boring and arrruuuggghhh … it is still VASTLY preferable to any other form of income-procuring-employment I have ever had. Ooookay! I need to go now. I have to write at least one guide tonight and finish putting together my mom’s xmas gift and get ready for tomorrow in general. We are going into Rio and spending the night at my parents house, as-per xmas eve tradition. Peace out, dear readers.

do do do dun dun dun do do dun dun dun dun dunnnnn

Putting the “pro” in procrastination

‘sup guys? I should most definitely be working right now. Got 6 articles to finish … somehow. It is late and I am tired and this type of article really drains my patience. Too much unique thought required man I’d rather just fill out info on a list of products. Do those all day instead of trying to explain how to fix your glasses’ frames. I feel like all I have done for the past few days is sit here like this and it is driving me a little bit nuts. Just a little bit yo, just a little bit nuts. I don’t like having this many articles in one week, but I do what I do what I do what I must. I want music and creativity times, not so much with this kind of thing. Okay, I need to get back to work. I think I might make myself coffee or something. MIDNIGHT COFFEEEEE STAY AWAKE MADNESS!!!! I can’t believe xmas is just a few days away. I’m really not ready for all that jazz. 

i am his and i wait, sick sweet slick tired stares into nothing. Wait, weight and weigh the words your brain thinks it really really likes to need to likes to really say. too late and too little to care. anything and He likes my hair. just the way i put it and the parts that fall across my eyes. eyes closed, wrists go, to all my new followers this is my hello. take your time to make my rhymes or leave in lines like queues and fines. fine with me if you decide you’d rather sit up front and ride the shotgun seat with two bare feet that barely reach the ground or bare with me to be or be or to be or not to be. but soft, what light through yonder window brakes, it is the east and juliet is the sun. son damn son how did you even think i’d like you to drop shakespear and shake your spear right out of here it’s too thick and heavy and wait, no really, drain the levy steal your chevy tailgate at the gates of hell hello would you like a hotdog or something as you wait for someone to decide your fate and maybe let you slip back through those shiny cracks into the mortal plane. man it’s plane on your face i lick up disgrace and slip my tongue inside your lips tight silver case. each case each instance, brings me to a new sense of knowing i belong as much as fungus or a thong all up and true and wait you’ll get there too. just wait please wait you’ll get there too. this is my hello. please, if you don’t like it just go, and know that i have no hard feelings really, no inner reelings, no long appeal-ings it’s just like macbeth said that one time, out, out, brief candle! life’s but a walking shadow, a poor player that struts and frets his hour upon the stage, and the there is heard no more: it is a tale told by an idiot, of sound a fury, signifying nothing. or something like that, i think he said. then his lines and life and wife all crashed down up on top his head. i am tired and late, so late, and drunk so much that i can’t hate. i want to fall into his arms and breathe his charms and never ever wake up to fire alarms. out, out, brief candle, just go out i implore. before you scare the other patients, or drip wax upon the floor.

How to Have an Identity Crisis

I wrote this blog on Saturday December 27, 2008 and I just found it while looking through my xanga archive. I still think it is true and funny and possibly maybe helpful (?) 

I have had more than my share in my short lifetime, so I believe that this is something I am qualified to write about. *insert infomercial music and cheesy host voice here*This will serve as a step by step guide as to what to expect, and what to do when YOU have an identity crisis. *insert big white sparkely smile*

1. Doubt. This is the onset, at this point you won’t know exactly what is happening, but you will feel like asking everyone around you “Who am I? What am I doing? Where am I going? What is the meaning of it aaaaaalllll??! ” This can last anywhere from a couple days to a number of months. If you can, try to avoid asking other people all of your profound self doubt questions… because no one will have anything useful to tell you, and you just have to wait until you make it to the next step.

2. A Confusing Epiphany. At this stage you will either discover something new about yourself, or begin to reveal something that you have long hidden from yourself out of fear or denial. (examples: I think I might be gay! I think I might be a Masochist! I think I made a huge mistake and hate the career path I chose! I think I might be a vampire!…etc)

3. Head Rush. At this point you will feel a sense of relief because you found a reason why you were feeling so weird and off back there at stage 1. Ooooh! That must be why I was suddenly doubting every aspect of my life! I get it now! You will feel happy, elated and you might want to go and tell all the people that you whined to in stage 1 (even though I told you not to) but please, for your sake, DO NOT DO THIS. Though  you may feel suddenly complete, you are NOT through with your identity crisis, and you will most definitely regret telling anyone that you think you are a gay masochistic vampire who made bad career choices. Personally, I regretted it about 30 seconds after the words left my mouth… because I had entered stage 4.

4. I take it back! This is also known as denial. The high you felt from your discovery fades and leaves you thinking about the harsh reality of what this new aspect of your identity really means, if it is in fact true. *panic* It suddenly feels overwhelming and confusing in a different way, with a whole new set of “who am I and what am I going to do?” type questions. At this point it seems much easier to disregard the  discovery you made about yourself and return to your former state of being. Thus, you deny that it ever happened. I mean, you don’t WANT to be overly different, you don’t want to shift your life completely or become something socially unacceptable. It was just a mistake, you were confused or drunk or just kidding! Shhh… Never happened! We now return you to your regularly scheduled program! This stage can last for an extended period of time as well, depending on how good you are at lying to yourself.

5. Can’t getchoo out of my head. Guess what? Denial doesn’t work. You will still feel incomplete, lost, perhaps depressed. No matter how much you try and push it away, your knowledge that you might just be something else, someone else than what you are allowing yourself to be will eat at your brain parts and tap dance across your nerves. This will continue until… until… UNTIL!!ii!! you realize that facing the fear of the unknown is better than endlessly wondering about yourself, and what it would be like if you let your inner gay masochist vampire run free! So…

6. Well… it could be worse.   (Acceptance). You have taken a lot of time, you have considered deeply, and the panic has resided. It is better to be what you are, even if it isn’t exactly what you always thought you were, or what your mommy wanted you to be than to pretend to be something you are not. You will still be scared, you will still feel nervous, but a bit of the excitement you thought you had left in stage 3 comes creeping back too. You see new possibilities, things that could make you happier than you imagined. You are ready for

7. Changes.  Now you are ready to tell the people that you care about. Start with someone you know will be accepting, and with their support it will be easier to move on to people in your life who might be more difficult. Now you can start making plans, you can start rearranging the pieces of your life that don’t fit, that never fit. It is far from easy, but it can be done, and you will be better off afterward. Here is where you will realize just how right about yourself you were. Random incidents from the past that you didn’t understand your reaction to, or little aspects of your personality that didn’t seem to fit will suddenly fall into place. You will have tons and tons of “Oh! that makes sense now!” moments. I am still having these. They feel awesome.

*fast talking fine print reading guy* Everyone is different and no results are typical. Some of these stages may lead some of you to tangent stages not mentioned in this program. However, this is the correct order of events, and I would know! I mean hey! What’s life without a few identity crisi? It makes things more interesting, it makes YOU more interesting, and who are we kidding… it’s FUN!

Posted 12/27/2008 at 5:56 PM

I give you my bullets, you give me your… um… ?? I dunno, whatever. It’s sorta like a pot luck.

  • I MISS XANGA! I know I’ve said it before but it’s still true. This place is WEIRD! I have way more people following this blog than I ever did on xanga but I don’t know who any of you are! And some of you guys have like… SERIOUS BUSINESS blogs with an actual THEME that you stick to and blog about all the time and NOT just whining about your life with occasional other stuff spiced in there. What is with that??! Why are you people following me I don’t even have a profile pic because I am too lazy to go through the trouble of setting one up because it seems like a pain.
  • I am HYPED UP on coffee and a delicious mix of coffee and hot chocolate that I just made with the last of the coffee. Hell yeah! I’m that special kind of sleep deprived that makes me feel PUMPED AS HELL!
  • Yesterday and today have been WICKED STRESSFUL and I’m not going to go into detail about it because I don’t fucking want to! I pulled off a feat of fast, ridiculously impossible last minute writing that I am SUPER PROUD OF but I can’t even really talk about it because it wasn’t exactly 1000% morally acceptable in all circles.
  • It seems like my car might start in the cold now, but it has started making a crazy ridiculous SCREEEEECHING noise when I first start it. So…. what the hell? eh? eh? My brother is on the case doing research about it, so we’ll see.
  • I don’t want to write a buying guide about goddamn car amplifiers because I don’t even really know what they are or what they do BUT I WILL FIND OUT I GUESS.
  • I want to have KINKY SEX with my boyfriend like you don’t even know. I want it to be like…. yooooooooo. But things keep getting in the way and it is pretty lame. Because damn, I want some of that and he smells wicked good and daaaamn.
  • I need to get to work yo! I have 13 more articles to write before next Sunday and that is more than I have done in a week so far but it will make me enough money to PAY THE RENT.which is pretty damn important. Yeah! Freelance 4 LIFE!
  • I really want to work on music things but I don’t think that’s going to happen until AT LEAST next week.
  • Peace out strange internet BROS!

Adventures at U-Pull-and-Pay

You know what I just realized? My blog has featured a lot of pictures of fucked up cars in the recent past. This post is going to be NO EXCEPTION. Today my brother and I went to U-Pull-and-Pay to get a part for my car that may or may not help it start in the cold This is… by the way… probably the most badass way to go about getting a part for your car. It is also extremely cheap, comparatively. So… it’s basically just a giant field of busted up cars.


You have to pay 2 bucks to get in, and then you look up the sort of cars you’re looking for. In this case we were looking for 1998 Volvo S70s. There were three of ’em, plus a ton of other Volvos with parts that could possibly work. SO! once you get your car list you walk out into the epic field of cars that are only sort of-barely-organized the way they’re supposed to be. We found the Volvo section and checked out a few Volvos before we found one that still had it’s fuse box. My brother removed the fuse box to get a big fuse-type-thing that was underneath it… which is what we needed.


Here is a blurry picture of my brother pulling the part from an otherwise very stripped car.


And here is the damn part we needed! It only cost like 50 cents to take it from this place, so we went ahead and pulled another one out of another Volvo just in case one doesn’t work. Then, we decided to look for a replacement interior door panel for my car, because my  drivers side window doesn’t roll down and it’s just all jacked. We weren’t even considering doing that originally… but… when in Rome, do as the Romans do! When in a giant graveyard of dead cars, yoink some parts! We ended up finding one that would work from a 2000 Volvo station wagon that looked like it had suffered from an engine fire and some sort of epic window smashing.


Thanks whoever trashed their Volvo really bad except not the drivers side interior door panel! So, yeah! that was slightly difficult to remove because it involved a good deal of prying and delicate wire-disconnecting, but we got it done with the power of TEAM WORK! and SCREWDRIVERS! and OPPOSABLE THUMBS! This is the second time we’ve been to this place and I’ve never seen another lady style person there, which makes me feel vaguely badass and vaguely … stick out like a sore thumb style. Here’s one last picture of a weird random hill of mysterious debris, just to highlight what a classy place this is.




PRO crastination

Wicked tired! (as usual, right?) What’s up new followers? I should be writing an article right now (as usual, right?) but c’mon… that’s boring sauce. My car still doesn’t start in the cold, and my (wicked smart) little brother has been researching the problem and messing with my car for like a week with no success. However, he thinks he may have isolated the problem. It requires a new part, so tomorrow we are going down to the U-Pull-&-Pay (A.K.A bizarre car graveyard) and seeing if we can yoink the part we need out of a dead volvo. Hopefully we’ll be able to do so. We’re now going at noon apparently, which for me is really early because I’m NOCTURNAL AS FUCK and I stay up ’till like… morning style time. SO! I will make an effort to get to bed slightly earlier tonight so I can do that tomorrow. In order to make that happen, I really really really need to get my work done like… FAST. Someone come force me to concentrate! 

early morning ponders

2am with 6 pages to write. Pandora ads, man, you’re killing my vibe. I’m wicked tired and maybe I should drink caffeine or maybe I should not because it might make me go psycho style way too jittery to actually get things done. It’s a pretty fine line, that. If I could get paid for the last 5 articles I’ve written that would be great. I could really use that $200 like… now. But I have to wait however the hell long it’s going to take, who knows. Plus an extra five days after it’s even issued, and another day for the bank to actually recognize, possibly more if it comes in on the weekend… which it usually does. But whatever, I can’t really complain. I can make decent money sitting here at my laptop dropping lines from my fingertips.

 I have to keep reminding myself that “sucking at something is the first step to being sort of good at something!” because it is kind of annoying how effortlessly my little brother can play the instrument I have just barely begun to understand. It’s okay. I’ll get there eventually. I just feel wicked slow and lame when he’s all “have you learned anything else? do you have anything cool to show me?” and I’m just like…. nah bro. I know he’s just excited but … ugh. It’s complicated. Older sibling feels… never mind.

I wish I could be more helpful for my love in times like this, but really all I can do is be there and be there and be there. Do what I can and say what I can but damn. I want it to be more. I want to have all the answers and lay them on the ground in the form of little golden statues and a bowed head. Okay, I’m exhausted but I need to get back to work. that’s more than enough of this. 

Tired. Working as usual, though all I really want to do is play around with my bass until it starts feeling like a tool in my hands and not an unruly pile of steel and wood that I have no mastery over. My love, he writes such nice, beautiful things about me, like seriously, no ones S.O writes about them like that and I am lovely and ethereal in these writings and I don’t see how I can live up to that type of magic, but I am happy that he thinks of me this way. Truly he is something special. I need to get back to work. It is already so late and I would really be glad if I could have tomorrow to myself with no real obligations. I learned that 101 people work for this company, 99 of them have worked there for months and years, and I and one other person were hired recently. We all got an e-mail from the main boss lady I am slightly scared of saying too many people were making too many mistakes, especially those who had worked for her longer. I looked over the list and none of them were mistakes I make, so I was glad and feeling slightly good about myself that I can excel at this so quickly. I hope they notice, and keep me, and give me plenty of money work.