I brought you my bullets, you brought me your crushing sense of self-doubt

– Ugh. I should be doing work, but ugh. My stupid brain keeps telling me I want to drink, but I fucking shouldn’t… and I keep reminding myself that I drank a LOT yesterday and it didn’t even make me feel that awesome. It made me feel un-stressed for a few hours but I wasn’t very amused or happier or … anything really. Just consuming a shit ton of calories I don’t need. It wasn’t worth the cost my body paid. I saw this thing on Tumblr, and it was like a bunch of random thoughts people had had in the shower or something like that? Anyway, one of them was: “When you drink you are borrowing happiness from tomorrow.” and I thought it was pretty true and pretty insightful and I liked it.

– I had a dream earlier where I couldn’t wake up, and then I kept waking myself up in my dream but I didn’t actually ever wake up and it just left me feeling drained and weird. I went to the gym even though I felt a little sick and period-tastic. But if I keep drinking this much and consuming this much in general it’s never ever going to make a difference, even though I work out more than basically anyone I know… I still look like I work out less than basically anyone I know. Don’t get me wrong.. there are other benefits to working out, but I have specific benefits in mind that I’m really looking for.

– 3 out of 7 of my goldfish are still alive. Feeder fish are not exactly raised to live long lives, so I expected some casualties… but these 3 seem to be doing well. *knocks on wood*

– RIP Appa, RIP Black Star, RIP Kaoru, RIP Olympic Gold

– I found out I can buy the replacement part I need to fix my earbuds that I LOVE and my ferret fucking CHEWED TO DEATH for $10 which is cool because I can afford that and I can spend that much on myself with minimal guilt.

– I highly recommend ebooks from chegg.com because you can search within the chapter for specific terms and shit, it makes doing homework a *lot* easier. Almost 3 years an alumni and I’m still doing homework. Cool story bro.

– Okay, I need to get this stuff done. I’m out.


Weird feelings. Kid style throwbacks and really I need to not drink for a little minute, my body says so. I always think having an aquarium will be fun but I’m not good at fish and they sorta stress me out. Betas are the only fish I’ve ever kept alive for very long. mysterious as the dark side of the moon, running plays inside the womb. Damn I’m tired and weird

Muscles and tussles

I’m wicked tired. My body is sore because I’ve been to the gym 4 days in a row. All of my body parts are all… daym gurl! but it feels really good at the same time. I’m probably going to go tomorrow as well, I’m planning on it. It makes me feel sane-er and just better about life in general when I go.We are going to attempt to do some recording this weekend and I don’t really feel like it ugh it’s so hard and doing vocals makes me so self conscious and I should practice. But I want it to be done, so I will do it and do my best and sing the stuff. I don’t really want to spend two nights over there again, but I will if I have to because I really do want to get it done. We’re going for two songs. So my boiiiiiiiiiii and I went to a thrift store today and donated a basically brand new pair of shoes and got a 20% off coupon and I got three books for less than 6 bucks, including Neil Gaiman’s American Gods. I read it fairly recently but I really dug it and I sorta felt like I needed to rescue it from that place… which is really silly but whatever. It is definitely worth a re-read at some point. I also got two books I have never read before, so that’s always fun. I basically never buy books anywhere besides used bookstores and such, because they are crazy expensive and I am poor and the library exists. BUT! 3 for $6 is a pretty sweet deal. My boyfriend started reading the book I got him for Valentines’ day which is pretty awesome. Reading is cool! High five! He got some weird random stuff at the thrift store as well, including some random things to paint and a random statue of a (greek?) deity. Then he cleaned the whole goddamn house SUPER CLEAN because he is awesome and does most of the house work because he likes things CLEAN SON and he isn’t a misogynistic douch. PEACE OUT! I’m gunna go watch a movie. 

Downbeat update

Remember a couple days ago when I was talking about how much I love my yurbud headphones and how great they are for working out? Well today one of our fucking ferrets destroyed them. Awesome. I have very few objects in the whole goddamn world that are important to me and my headphones are one of them. They cost like 30 bucks plus 5 bucks shipping and that is a shit ton of money for me and I can’t decide if the guilt I would feel over spending that much money on myself is worth having a pair of earbuds that I really dig and love having when I work out. It’s a tough call and I’m just really mad about it. Like wicked mad so goddamn fucking mad.

Also one of my goldfish died.Remember the other day when I was talking about them and how good they were doing? Well one died today. The others seem to be doing okay. I did a partial water change. I expected some would die since they were feeder fish.

Things are happening tomorrow, I dunno what exactly but things.

Awake awake for goodness sake. When my boyfriend says he is about to fall asleep he sure means it. Down and out right for the count. I said a long time ago I would try to write out one of my common *to help me fall asleep* weird kinky fantasies for him to read. I still want to but it is hard for me to word in that type of way. Jesus he is out and snoring like 7 sailors… or some type of better snoring metaphor. I’m tired and too sober and also awake and not really ready for tomorrow to be Monday already. I should go, try for sleep instead of writing. My wrist and eyes and mind don’t always agree.

Working out (A rant about my gym and a product endorsement)

So I go to the gym between 3 and 5 times per week, usually at least 4 and sometimes as many as 6. (Though you would never fucking know from looking at me….. but that’s not what this entry is about so I digress…) I mainly do cardio, and a little bit of arm, leg, and ab exercises each time. I go to Planet Fitness because it is the cheapest gym available to me and I’m really poor and it has everything I need and it’s pretty close to my house. I’ve been going there for well over a year. Anyway, I’ve been a member of two other gyms before this one and as far as equipment goes they are all pretty much the same. However, there are a couple things I don’t like about P-fitness. #1: They heavily endorse “The biggest loser” … they have posters all over the damn place saying they are “proud partners of the biggest loser” and other things about it, just fucking everywhere. That show is horrible and disgusting and de-humanizing and portrays dangerous and unhealthy habits. But hey! Don’t take my word for it. Here’s links to four separate articles about it.

1. The Biggest Loser has Big Problems, Health Experts Say

2. Former ‘Biggest Loser’ competitor Kai Hibbard calls the show unhealthy, misleading. 

3. On Biggest Loser, Health Can take Back Seat

4. Losing More than Weight: Humiliation, Extreme Dieting, and Unhealthy Exercise on The Biggest Loser” 

There are about 100 similar articles floating around, super easy to find if you spend about 30 seconds googling it. Point is, I fucking hate that my gym is endorsing this and I’m sure it all comes down to money and sponsorship but it still sucks and I hate seeing that shit all over the place while I’m trying to work out and it kinda makes me feel like shit and I feel like it really, really, really undermines the “No Judgement Zone” philosophy that P-fitness so proudly boasts of.

#2: They play Fox News all the time. ALL THE TIME. At any given time that’s what’s playing on about 1/5 of the television screens they have for people to watch while working out. I hate fox news, it is disgusting and misleading and biased and racist and sexist and full of gross Republican slander all the goddamn time. But hey! don’t take my word for it. Here are links to four separate articles about it.

1. The most Biased Name in News 

2. The 12 most despicable things Fox News did in 2012 

3. Fox News Reaches new level of racist insanity in war on Christmas coverage

4.  Fox News Racism

(and one more, just for fun! Fox News’ Culture of Sexism )

So… I basically have to assume that by choosing Fox News they are basically making a statement about their political allignment… which is gross, and I hate it. Maybe it is just my *particular* gym, but I feel like that is probably not the case. I find both of these things inappropriate and gross and they make the environment feel less inviting to me. But guess what? I’m going to keep going there and keep giving them my money because I need a place to work out and this is the only one that works for me for now, in my current living and financial situation.

…. If anyone survived that rant, and is still reading, I am now going to endorse a product related to working out. After using them for about 2 months, I have to say that I highly recommend Yurbuds ear buds.


Basically they are normal style ear buds (with very good sound quality) but they come with these weird rubber attachment things, as seen in this picture. What makes them special you ask? THEY ACTUALLY STAY IN MY EARS. I have never ever ever ever ever in my life been able to wear earbuds while working out because every time, guaranteed, they fall out as soon as I start moving, and I constantly have to push them back in, and it is incredibly distracting and terrible. I have tried TONS of different kinds of ear buds, and they have never ever ever worked for me. I see other people wearing them at the gym and I’m like… how the HELL are those staying in your goddamn ears??! WITCHCRAFT I SAY!! These are sort of weird, and it took me a couple weeks to get good at putting them in properly, and it still sometimes takes me more than one try to get them in right. However, once I do, they stay in for my entire workout, no problem. Occasionally I have to slightly adjust them once or twice, but that’s it. For me, that is miraculous. Here’s a link to a quick video about how to put them in and how they work.

Yurbuds Video

However, if I tug on mine as hard as the lady in this video does, they WILL come out of my ears. Also, I can only put in one at a time, also I feel like they should describe the “twist” process in greater detail, because you should be twisting the ear bud itself while the rubber part remains in place in your ear… and that took me like 4 days to figure out. BUT! Even though they aren’t as **super magical** as the video makes them look, they ARE very good, and they actually do stay in my ears while I work out and I have never had a pair of earbuds that would do that. Once in place they are also very comfortable. For these reasons, I recommend them. I bought the “Insprie for women” ones, which cost me about $30 at bestbuy, which isn’t too bad. They have other ones that get waaay more expensive, but I can’t afford that jazz.

OoOoooooOoookay then!! This has been a very long (and probably very boring) entry… but… whatever. Peace out!

Fish and valentines day and stuff and a super long entry.

I think Lucy Lawless is one of the most attractive people ever and looking at her face makes me feel things and her voice is so awesome and unique sounding and she seems really badass and powerfull even when she isn’t playing XENA: WARRIOR PRINCESS… aaand she really does it for me even though she’s fairly old now. </ end rant about my sexual attraction to Lucy Lawless>

… Anyway… yesterday I set up a goldfish tank. I have been wanting to do it for a while but yesterday I finally got around to *actually getting fish*. I wanted feeder goldfish that would otherwise get fed to bigger fish or reptiles  or some crazy person’s pet duck… I dunno. At the pet store the feeder fish were kept in this big metal trough/bucket type thing. I only wanted 4 goldfish, but they were 6 for a dollar, and the lady basically made me get 6. Plus, a tiny minnow which apparently jumped the divider between the feeder minnows and feeder goldfish ended up in my fish bag… and the lady didn’t feel like dealing with it so she just gave it to me. SO…. I ended up with more fish than I wanted, which means the tank is a little more crowded than I wanted it to be, but they still have a LOT more room to swim around than they had crammed in a metal bucket with hundreds of other fish basically waiting to die. I expected a couple of them to die right away actually, because feeder fish are usually NOT healthy at all… but so far they are all still alive, and swimming, and eating, and doing well.



They seem pretty happy I think… as much as I’m capable of judging the happiness of fish… They have all been kinda tripping out at the fact that they can see their reflections in the glass, and they keep swimming up to their reflection and trying to figure out what is going on, because they have spent their entire lives in a fucking bucket and they have probably never seen a reflection before. I would still like to add a little snail to the tank, to help keep it clean. We’ve named almost all of them but not quite. Their names include:

-Appa (mostly white fish with an orange spot on his head and tail)

-Momo (the tiny rogue guppy, who seems like the happiest chillest fish of all. He is proud of his great escape. )

-Olympic Gold (a brown looking fish who looks **actually gold and not orange** in the light. Also I have been watching the olympics. :-P)

-Black Star (orange dude with a black stripe on the top of his fin)

-Noticeably F.A.T. (the biggest one, props if you get the Futurama reference.)

The other two are both small and completely orange and basically look identical so I don’t know what to name them… aaaand I just right now named them Hikaru and Kaoru after the red-headed twins from Ouran High School Host Club which is a super dorky anime. Yes, I am satisfied.

So… yeah! Tomorrow is V-day (oh, actually technically RIGHT NOW is v-day.) My boyfriend got me pretty much EVERY SINGLE cliche’ valentines day present. He came home with all of it and surprised me, it was pretty cute.


Stuffed animal, check. (It’s a dog because I love dogs and it has old man eyebrows and it is cute.) Flowers, check. Pink and purple-y really pretty flowers actually. Balloon, check. Wine, check. Giant heart filled with chocolates, check. (I have never had such a giant heart filled with chocolates… it is fairly huge.)

I have a tiny thing to give him but it is no big deal and I don’t even know if he will like it or think it’s dumb so I haven’t given it to him yet. We have loose plans for tomorrow, they mainly involve staying here. Not completely sure how things will work out, but we will see. In all honesty I think it is a pretty silly holiday, but our sort of unofficial anniversary is the day after, so that has made it more fun.

Merry v-day to all, and to all a good night.