Time is a tool you can put on the wall, or wear it on your wrist

Last night I turned in a mid-term assignment literally 4 minutes before it was due, and it was extremely stressful and shitty and I freaked out and screamed a lot, but I got it finished. I was literally shaking when I was done, and I just had to sit there for a while breathing and letting myself calm the fuck down. The assignment just took longer than I anticipated and it was very unfortunate. BUUT! I got it done. 

I’m still sort of haunted (in a good way) by the last “scene” we did. It went on for hours and we ate dinner together and he fed me every single bite with his hands and lips and oh man, it was fun and intense in all the ways I like. Images of it keep popping into my head. 

I have more work to do today, but I totally don’t want to. It’s overrated. 

I may or may not have filled my kindle with free smut I found on amazon. I dunno. 


Maybe the universe *doesn’t* hate my band so much.

Back in Rio, recording again for the umpteenth weekend in a row. Last night we made some significant progress for the first time in 3 goddamn weeks. We had no *major* technical difficulties, and we were finally able to lay down the vocal tracks for the song we’ve been trying to finish for 3 goddamn weeks. It actually went really quickly and smoothly, and we were able to get both our vocals done within two hours, which is like twice as fast as usual, because we have both been practicing it a lot, for 3 goddamn weeks. So! Tonight we are recording a song where I perform 0% of the lyrics, so I kinda get to relax and just run the sound board and adjust the levels of the tracks and listen to make sure the timing and pitch are on point and press the buttons that make actual recording happen. … which actually isn’t relaxing at all even a little, but it is less stressful than having to sing stuff perfectly. My boyfriend came with me over here last night, he hung out with the dogs and kept them quiet while we recorded which was nice. But I do enjoy spending a bit of time apart, for fondness… and I think it’s healthy.

~~~~ several hours later ~~~~

Well, maybe the universe *does* hate my band a little bit! Actually I can’t really blame the universe too much on this one. We were trying a new way of recording piano and vocals at the same time, and we just weren’t as prepared as we thought we were. However, we did learn a lot about how to make it work and I think that will make it a lot easier next time. So… it was somewhat productive I suppose you could say.

Other random bullets about my weekend and other stuff:

-before I came in to record my brother asked me to go into his apartment and get his “computer, monitor, and keyboard” and bring them in with me. So, I did that and got those things, and then when I arrived here and he arrived here it turned out he meant his fucking PIANO KEYBOARD but I brought his TYPING WORDS KEYBOARD because he wanted his computer and that made SENSE TO ME and it was a stupid fucking miscommunication that we both felt stupid over… BUT! his roommate was able to bring it to us, so it wasn’t really a big deal.

– Today we took the dogs for a walk to wear them out so they would be happy and tired and not bug us while we tried to record, but the little dog spazzed out and tried to get under a fence to get at another dog and she got a pretty big cut above one of her front legs. It hardly bled at all, and she didn’t seem to be in much pain, so we just disinfected it and we’ve been keeping an eye on it all day and it already looks a lot better… but it still scared us and we were seriously considering taking her to the emergency vet for a minute there.

– Shout out to the 9 people who followed me since I started vaguely writing about kinky sex stuff.

– I just did some homework and turned it in

-I need to fucking sleep

-I should go to sleep

– I want a new book for my kindle tho.

Lacking processes to process this.

This whole shit with the neighbors has left me feeling… just… sorta bad and an unreachable little pang somewhere inside. I’m not good at conflict, I hate it and it always makes me feel gross… Even if I’m not directly involved, it doesn’t really matter. It still makes me feel that way. Bad and sick and guilty and embarrassed,  ESPECIALLY when it’s something I can’t just… peace out from. Something I can’t just leave behind when it’s over because at the end of the day I still have to live next to these fucking people. I’ve been having nightmares, the past couple weeks, that I can hear their music coming through the wall, and then he wakes up and rages and freaks out on them. That’s how much the concept stresses me out. Literal nightmares. That might seem stupid and it feels pretty stupid to me but I can’t fucking help how I feel. I really can’t. I can’t rationalize away those thoughts and feelings yo. And that’s basically what happened today and the whole thing has left me feeling distinctly not awesome. I’m trying my best to shake it off and move on with my goddamn life, and maybe writing it down like this will help me do that, I dunno. I know it fucking sucks and they are being huge inconsiderate total ass douche fucks but honestly this makes me feel worse inside than waking up to their shitty douchbag music. I don’t know what to do, I know I’m not the only person effected, it’s not just about me. I just hate it and hate living in an apartment and hate being an adult and I just want to hide forever in a tiny blanket ball. Buuuut I can’t do that. So instead I’m going to eat some chinese food and drink some spiced rum and try to chill the fuck out. Have a good one if you can guys. 

I was always never sure about what I wanted or who I was, and now I know more than I ever have. Late and languid, this night falls in folds into another day. I am here and you are here and you are me and we are all together. no expressions to express this, two sick fucks and obtrusive piles of love

Spring break! Woohoooo! *rips off shirt*

This break has been really really nice, even though it wasn’t as productive as I wanted it to be in some areas. It was extremely successful and fulfilling sexually. I used to write about my kinky sex life all the time on xanga, when xanga used to be a thing. I had friendslock on and I was totally comfortable writing that stuff and I enjoyed it and actually got a lot out of it, it helped me reflect on the activities and pinpoint what did it for me, why I liked specific things, and other stuff. Anyway, I dunno how comfortable I feel doing that kind of junk here. SO MANY random strangers follow this blog, but I am fairly anonymous style, so maybe I will go for it. I dunno. I keep having flashbacks of last night, and they are good. Really intense, really fun. An itinerary is a fairly accurate description of the list of specific tasks I am given to complete. It keeps me on track to know exactly what is expected of me and it erases so many of the weird stupid thoughts and feelings I would always get hung up on. Knowing exactly what is expected of me, and that these expectations will be enforced is incredibly comforting to me and it frees me of anxiety and allows me to live in the moment and just try my best, and feel, and learn, and improve, and enjoy what I’m feeling without thought pollution. The sex itself was fantastic, even though it’s only a part of the whole experience for me. Doing kinky stuff just… satisfies a part of me that I get so used to having unsatisfied that I sort of almost forget I’m even feeling that way, until it happens and I am fulfilled and everything feels different. We were in the store today, picking out some alcohol for later, and I just laid my head on my boyfriend’s shoulder and hugged him and totally went away for a minute. I’m me and I’m his and I glide through the world. 

The universe hates my band!

Trying to record again. My brother’s laptop charger broke forever and his laptop only had 8% battery and we had to record something off it on order to be able to lay down vocals and it fucking died like… 30 seconds before it was done recording. I got so pissed that I tensed up all of the muscles in my neck really hard to avoid issuing a massive scream filled with endless sorrow. I tensed up so much that my neck has fucking hurt the rest of the night and it still does. So yeah we got a tiny bit of recording done and we worked on polishing up some lyrics but that’s it. No vocals. So now it’s almost 5 a.m.and I’m gunna play a stupid hidden objects game and try to make my brain shut up so I can sleep. lolololololol it was nearly pointless for me to even come here.

Cheese Berger

So a few days ago, the company that manages our apartment complex and a lot of other complexes around here, (Berger Briggs) stuck a big annoying sign advertising themselves in the grass by our apartment. Well, last night someone around here took it into their apartment, defaced it, and placed it outside once more.


Now, I have no way of knowing who performed this noble act, but I imagine it was a trio of brave, clever, striking young men and woman with love in their hearts and rum in their bellies. Then again, that’s just pure speculation.

Did I seriously use the word docket?

I’m so tired you guys, and sore, and languid, and I can’t even make my eyes focus quite right. Everything is soft and blurry and I’m totally kinky as hell and also sorta proud of myself for my overall performance last night. Things happened and it was awesome and fun. I appreciate having detailed directions 1,000%. It makes a huge difference for me. I want to write about it all in great detail but I also sort of don’t at all. It’s too much and I just can’t.

*air guitar* *air groovy, mellow bass solo*

So…What’s on the docket for today? I dunno. I would like the answer for that to be nothing, except possibly more sex later maybe?  I have some things I need to accomplish this week, but c’mon! I still have Thursday and Friday and that’s like… two whole days for getting things done and doing the stuff. I feel really drained of energy, but in the best possible way. It’s so hard to explain, it’s like all the bad energy is what drained away and I’m left scoured and shiny and tired and peaceful. We are running out to the post office and probably the store as well, but that’s the extent of my plans for today. 

“Working on your songs all night to justify your worthlessness”

… is what I’ve been doing! So tired! So much music stuff. We still hardly got anything actually recorded, but we did make some progress and we collaborated to write a really nice bass line for the song we are currently trying to record. So that was pretty dope. We created a sort of circuit making bracelet so I didn’t have to be a human circuit while we recorded the guitar. ( see my entry titled adventures in recording ). However, we decided we were getting a better sound with a microphone than with the electric pickup, so we recorded it like that instead and I had to hold a finger over the strings right by the bridge to create the slightly muted sound we were going for and that was fairly tedious, not to mention kinda hard on my fingers. We finished at about 4:45am and now I’m waiting for my laundry to finish washing so I can throw it in the dryer and hopefully pass out.
Okay! I did it! My mom is waking up to go to work in like ten minutes, maybe I will stay up to say hi to her. Haha.
I’m excited to return home tomorrow. My personal life is heating up in all kinds of interesting ways. I hope I can get enough sleep to be functional… then again I might be more compliant if I am exhausted. I was given a very specific, detailed, well written set of instructions and I’m probably going to read them four or five more times before the actual time comes. It is exciting and slightly unnerving. I’m trembling just a little tiny bit at the thought. Okay, enough of all this for now. I would say this has been one of my weirder entries… but it probably hasn’t really.

Kinky sex: I’m having it.

I’m getting real tired of living in the space between two domiciles, sharing walls as thin and useless as a soggy paper plate. I fucking hate these new neighbors. Their constant smoking, their loud ass clomping around all the goddamn time, but more than fucking ANYTHING… that kid’s shitty ass music that seeps right into the bedroom while we are trying to sleep. My boyfriend has gone over there a few times to tell them to turn it down and explained when it would be okay to play it loud but those fuckers still don’t get it and they are disrespectful and I hate them. When I’m trying to sleep, every time I hear a noise I think might be their stupid fucking music again I feel fear. I feel stressed out and sick, because I don’t want it to be that and I don’t want to have to elevate this conflict or involve calling the apartment complex people because I just fucking hate that, and also they know we have ferrets and we aren’t supposed to have pets here so they could report us for that and really fuck us over if they wanted to be dicks about it. It’s just so not cool and so unnecessary and disrespectful and you could wear some motherfucking headphones you piece of shit. I just hate the whole situation and it makes me feel bad and I want some fucking personal space and not to have to deal with this sort of bullshit all the time. I want a house and I want it soon and I don’t care what it’s made of or how big it is as long as it has some sort of yard. Some sort of private outdoor space that separates it from other domiciles. But I’m still too poor to make that happen. Maybe soon-ish. Hopefully. 

Aaaaaaanyway, I have been having a good amount of kinky sex the past couple days, and it has been really fun and nice and hot and good and helps me have a more positive outlook on the world at large. If I bruised easily I would totally have a handcuff bruise on at least one of my wrists, but I don’t bruise easily or very much at all so I just get to have it feel all tender and ouchy without the satisfaction of actually seeing a mark. 😛 (Although one time I had to go to a job interview with hella bruises and handcuff marks on my wrists and I didn’t notice until I was already there so that was slightly awkward.)… ButI I digress. I like this kind of thing and it has been a long time but it makes me feel good and it gives me access to a part of myself I enjoy and sometimes miss. I like having something around my neck and it looks like a normal style necklace but it is a collar secretly maybe secretly maybe. 

Okay, I have to go and do work and get things done and stuff. I have sort of a lot of work to do and it’s all due at midnight. I’m wicked tired and should maybe make coffee. Going into Rio tomorrow I think, trying to get recording done.