Lacking processes to process this.

This whole shit with the neighbors has left me feeling… just… sorta bad and an unreachable little pang somewhere inside. I’m not good at conflict, I hate it and it always makes me feel gross… Even if I’m not directly involved, it doesn’t really matter. It still makes me feel that way. Bad and sick and guilty and embarrassed,  ESPECIALLY when it’s something I can’t just… peace out from. Something I can’t just leave behind when it’s over because at the end of the day I still have to live next to these fucking people. I’ve been having nightmares, the past couple weeks, that I can hear their music coming through the wall, and then he wakes up and rages and freaks out on them. That’s how much the concept stresses me out. Literal nightmares. That might seem stupid and it feels pretty stupid to me but I can’t fucking help how I feel. I really can’t. I can’t rationalize away those thoughts and feelings yo. And that’s basically what happened today and the whole thing has left me feeling distinctly not awesome. I’m trying my best to shake it off and move on with my goddamn life, and maybe writing it down like this will help me do that, I dunno. I know it fucking sucks and they are being huge inconsiderate total ass douche fucks but honestly this makes me feel worse inside than waking up to their shitty douchbag music. I don’t know what to do, I know I’m not the only person effected, it’s not just about me. I just hate it and hate living in an apartment and hate being an adult and I just want to hide forever in a tiny blanket ball. Buuuut I can’t do that. So instead I’m going to eat some chinese food and drink some spiced rum and try to chill the fuck out. Have a good one if you can guys. 

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5 thoughts on “Lacking processes to process this.

  1. Warren Rainer says:

    I am very sorry my live, but I can promise with certainty that it won’t happen again and I will handle all further dealings with a calm tongue and clear head. I wish you had told me of the nightmares sooner, it might have helped my calm. Live and learn.

    • valerianblue says:

      I now wish I would have told you as well but I just felt fucking stupid for being literally that stressed about it that I kept dreaming it

      • Warren Rainer says:

        You have no reason to ever feel stupid for how you feel. You feel how you feel and I don’t want you to feel worse because of me, ever. You can always write to me as well if that would be easier. I love you.

      • valerianblue says:

        I love you too. I appreciate you being understanding of my feels

      • Warren Rainer says:

        I know you experience that a lot, but that’s the thing about emotion is that it doesn’t always make sense. As you know I always find that confusing. Even if sometimes your emotions seem silly, I hope you always feel comfortable sharing them with me.

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