Hey ho, let’s go. I have the night free, I can breathe. Haven’t been paid for my latest batch of work yet but hopefully I will be soon, so I can find out what I will make and everything. -breathes- Thanksgiving was yesterday and it was sort of rough, as it usually is. But it has been worse and could have been worse. Tonight, what I really need, really really really really badly, is the chance to get out of the far too introspective headspace I’ve been caught in. I need to get out of my own head and let go and just fucking bask in the glory of being alive. Of breath and air and light and sound and touch. Pull me out of my deep dark thoughts and hold me up somewhere safe, small, intimate. Just for a little while. Just a little mental peace, one of the only ways I know how to find it.
Strangers in the void, reading my words, whoever you are, I love you and I hope you have some peace as well. I hope the weekend brings good things for all of us. As for this week’s songs, some rock and some pop punk and some light dubz and some electro swing and NOTHING introspective.
1. MGMT – Indie Rokkers
2. Jesse Rose – FatMan
3. Flight Facilities – Crave you (Adventure Club Dubstep Remix)
Hahahahahahaha magical. Stress-tacular! Such wonder, such glory, such maaagical precision and grace! Cool. Awesome. Less than 24 hours before this huge batch of work is due, and the fucking site just went down, so I can’t edit anything, and I can’t do my work. I e-mailed my client letting her know, and sent her a copy of the error message I was getting on every single page I tried to open. Sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo now what? Now what the hell should I do? *stares off into space* The last four days, since Friday, have felt like a terrible stress filled nightmare. Almost unreal. I’ve been shivering but not cold on and off for days. I’m tired, I want to get out of the house, get some exercise. This is a fucking ridiculous amount of work, even with my boyfriend helping me. *refreshes webpage obsessively in the background so I can see when it comes back online* I feel guilty, and overwhelmed, and just straight up bad all over. I really hope my client is cool and aknowledges this outage and gives some sort of extension. I dunno. We’ll see. She’s been taking forever to get back to me the last few times I emailed her, which is really not cool and stressing me out even more. If I had known, I would have done this all a lot differently. I’m going to go now, and try to do something or something else or something or whatever. Peace.
I have to finish it by Tuesday at 7pm no matter what. I have to. I have to. There is no other choice. There is no other option. I have to finish it no matter what. I have to finish it no matter what. I have to finish it no matter what. All of it. Finish it. Fucking finish it. No matter what. You have to. You have to finish it. You can fucKing do it and you have to finish it no matter what. Yeah. You’re right, I know. I have to. I have to finish it no matter what.
Things are not good for me inside my head and just not good right now. I feel so fucking overwhelmed. This is much much much much much much much much much more time consuming than I ever could have anticipated. I missed my deadline for the first time …. ever, and I feel like the biggest piece of human garbage that ever existed in the universe. I also feel super bad because I’m making my boyfriend help me all this time and basically I’ve completely ruined his weekend because he’s spent the whole damn thing doing this work with me. I mean, the money is for both of us, but still. I just feel so fucking bad and stressed and I never even got a response from my client after I told her I wouldn’t be able to make the deadline. I apologized profusely in my email and I just… this is the fucking worst. I’m so fucking sorry it’s my fault I didn’t know what I was getting into. I feel sick and overwhelmed as hell. I’m so fucking slow at this it’s unbelievable. How is this even physically possible? How can I ever even finish this by Tuesday at 7pm? Like seriously I don’t even know if that will be enough time. But I fucking HAVE to finish it by then. I don’t have a choice. None. No choice at all not at all not at all. Fuck. This has just been such a terrible few days I don’t know how to deal with it I don’t know what I’m doing.
Sooo I got the work I wanted, but it turns out it’s incredibly overwhelming and way more time consuming than I thought and I honestly am not 100% sure if I’m going to be able to get it done in time and I’m totally freaking out about it big time. Like real big time. And it’s super not cool for my mental health and whatnot. Soooo yeah. I plan on going to bed *fairly* early tonight, in order to wake up early tomorrow and fucking just work non-stop all day long for like 30 fucking hours. Seriously, not kidding. My boyfriend is going to help me, and I’m honestly considering trying to get my brother to help if he has some time, and just paying him what I would have made for whatever work he does because it’s just… it’s not what I expected and it’s super fucking overwhelming. Like… I’m 3% done at this point and it’s due in less than 48 hours. Just uuugggghhhh. Not cool man. Not cool at all. Soooo I’m busting out this playlist for GOOD LUCK FOR MYSELF because I fucking need it. I hope you guys all have a good weekend, and I hope I get my shit straightened out.
I’m freaking out. Just please give this to me. Please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please please please please give this to me. It will basically save us. It will be a rough few days but it will save us. Please please please please please please please please please please please please give this to me. I’m begging you universe and powers that be.