Christmas Survival

Christmas with my extended family is notoriously chaotic. It just is. It is not something that we really enjoy doing, but it’s like… a mandatory part of being a part of the family. Usually it is just a few hours of chaos and noise and receiving some presents that I don’t want or need and wish people hadn’t spent money on. But this time…. this time was fucking chart topping. You see, I have this cousin, who is literally the worst person I’ve ever met in my entire life. He is fucking insane, and he is a hardcore alcoholic who drinks a handle of vodka to himself every fucking day. He drinks until he pukes up blood and he gets abusive toward his family when he’s drunk. He’s like 30-some years old and his parents still let him live with them despite this. They can’t bring themselves to throw him out onto the street, even though he completely deserves it. Anyway, it’s Christmas and we are at his parents’ new house that they just moved into, and he’s fucking drinking like crazy on the sly. He’s getting gross and over emotional and fucking crying and shit. I kinda have a feeling something bad is going to happen, but I’m hoping we will be out before it does. My boy and my brother and I drove together, so I tell them we should head out. My parents are about to leave too. We get all of our shit, we take it out to my brother’s car. We come back in to say a last goodbye to everyone, and as we approach the door we hear all kinds of fucking yelling. My garbage cousin is totally losing is fucking shit at my dad. Because my dad told him he needs to go to AA, and that what he’s doing to his family is not acceptable. His parents are restraining him and he keeps yelling that he’s going to kick my dad’s ass and shit like that. So I’m like… well… we can’t fucking leave now, we’re not going to leave my dad here while he’s threatening him. My mom is there, she’s telling my dad not to say anything else, saying we should all just leave. Then suddenly she fucking loses it. She charges over to garbage cousin where his parents are holding him and starts yelling “Get your fucking shit together! You are scaring your family. Get your fucking shit together” and a bunch of other shit that she yelled at him and my brother and I were like…. holy wow man. We’ve never seen our mom lose her cool and yell quite like that. It was so unexpected and just totally intense and we were both really proud of her. Other shit happened, lots more yelling and garbage cousin freaking out and generally being the worst person ever. He punched a hole in the wall of his parents new house. He alternated between crying / apologizing and screaming / raging and talking shit. He kept talking shit about my dad and my brother finally lost it. He started yelling, “don’t fucking talk to my dad that way! Don’t talk to anyone that way!” and I was proud of him for defending our dad and how he handled himself in general. We left shortly after that. The whole thing was just so fucking gross, like I can’t believe that such a terrible person even exists, and this kind of behavior from him is just like… normal for his family. They are used to dealing with it. But we were not going to sit by and watch that shit happen. Ugh. Yeah. It was some next level shit. Really awful and disgusting and uuuuuggghhhh. Anyway, yeah. Whatever. It is over, we survived it. That kid needs to be in a fucking institution, and I hope he does get institutionalized, like for a whole fucking year. That’s what he needs man. That’s the only thing that could possibly help him at this point in time. Sooooooooooooooo yeah. that was a few days ago and since then I’ve basically just been hiding and not really doing anything. It is a gift to myself, merry fucking christmas to me. I have things I need to take care of tomorrow, but today is free and I’m going to try and relax and breathe and just… be. You know? Yeah. I DO need to head out to the store and get some supplies and stuff. I should do that like *soon* bordering on *now* yup yup. cool story guys. yup. nice.

Terror replaced with cautious optimism

I just got an email from my fabulous client saying that there are going to be guides to write again, and soon. Sooner than I expected. Soooo I’m really happy about that. Guides mean a set number each week, which (hopefully) means a little bit of consistency in my life, knowing exactly how much I will make each week, how much work I will have to do. It’s really nice, and as awesome as it is to occasionally make $2,000 in one fucking terrible week, not knowing when and if more work will come is pretty rough. So assuming everything goes well, I am happy to make a humble but steady amount each week. It’s enough to live off of fairly comfortably. Really, I feel mad lucky that I can make a living without having to have a “real” job. *knocks on wood*  I need to be working right now but shit keeps distracting me and getting me all distracted and stuff of that nature. Buuut no worries, I WILL get it done. Right now I need to run out to the store and try to miraculously find some presents for my family members on a mad limited budget. I’m also going to get the ingredients to make latkes, because tonight is the last night of Hanukkah and I really want to celebrate it in style. (Also latkes are amazing and my family’s recipe is the best, and we already have a huge bag of potatoes) Okay, I’m gunna knock out a little more work, then I’m going to run to the store. Aaaaahhhhhhhhhh I’m feeling a little better about my life in general now. Taking a breath. Gunna pay my bills and survive and it will be awesome.

I am a giant ear, waiting for your songs of niceness

Sweet man, I just snagged $200 worth of curation work. It’s a kind I’ve never done before so hopefully it won’t be too hard. Have until Friday to finish them but like… xmas is a thing and I have obligations and bla secretly I kind of have to finish it by like tomorrow, but it will be okay I think. hopefully. I will try my best to balance it all out. But nice man, I fucking need that 2-hundy I’m broke as all hell. Unfortunately I hella messed up my sleep schedule dealing with this just now and I’m wicked tired like woah but dunno if I will be able to fall back to sleep. I hope so.

“Tall woman, pull the pylons down, And wrap them around the necks, Of all the feckless men that queue to be the next”

Things I should be doing: 

-trolling Odesk for jobs

-considering applying for actual real jobs {-dies}

-getting my paperwork together to renew my health insurance

-flossing my teeth

-working on music stuff

-practicing an instrument

-trying to fucking sleep so I can sort out my horrible destructive sleep schedule

-trying to figure out what the fuck is wrong with my car and why it keeps stalling out

Things I am doing: 

Nothing. None of that.

Tomorrow I’m going into Rio to do Christmas related activities with my family. I really don’t fucking want to TBH… but it’s like a familial obligation. Mostly I don’t want to because my car has been stalling out on me randomly, and it really freaks me out / stresses me the fuck out and I just don’t want to deal with it at all. at all. at all. at all. at all. at all. I don’t have any money to fix it myself and I really don’t want to ask my parents to do it and everything sucks and being an adult is scary and awful. So yeah I just mostly don’t want to drive it in. I have a ton of fucking bills to pay still and not nearly, nearly, nearly enough money to get it done. So ….. cool. Fun. Awesome.

I feel very stressed and overwhelmed and generally fucking very down in general, and I really don’t know how to deal with it, and I’m just trying to keep my strong front up because I don’t really have a choice. I have to. Keep that shit up.

Personal things and life happenings

Tonight is the second night of Hanukkah. Last night, the first night we went over to my parents’ house to hang out and make latkes and exchange gifts and stuff of that general nature. It was fairly nice. pretty chill. When I moved out of my parents’ house, like a million years ago, (like… 7 years ago? Holy shit how can it possibly be that long ago?) my mom gave me my own menorah. This is the first year that I’ve actually used it. I dunno man, I’m just feeling more ~in touch~ with my Jewish heritage lately. Not in the religious aspect, but in the cultural aspect. It’s complicated and personal and honestly I’m not going to get into it. But it feels pretty nice tbh.


(Also, it’s really hard to get good pictures of flaming things.)

Anyway, here are some pictures of a cute dog.


This is my brother’s girlfriend(?)’s dog that my brother dog-sits sometimes while she is at work. But tonight he had to go in to *his* work because they were having some sort of issue and needed him, so I watched this dog (who is named Ewok by the way) for a little while and took her out for a walk and stuff. She’s a weird looking mutt from the pound, but she is hella sweet and I don’t mind watching her at all because I love dogs a lot. My brother has been seeing this girl for a while and I dunno if they are like officially **dating** yet or not? She is a professional belly dancer and she’s the leader of a belly dancing troop. I haven’t spent much time around her but she seems nice and my bro seems really happy, which is pretty much all I care about. I’m going to one of her troops’ performances on Friday, my bro helped build the set for it and he’s like working as a “stage hand” and he invited me to go, so I’m going. Soooo that should be interesting.

I’ve been reading to my boyfriend lately. Like… reading novels out loud to him. No one ever really read out loud to him as a kid {Except from *the bible* } which I think totally fucking blows wicked hard. So for fun I’ve been reading things that I like out loud to him, and it has been very nice for both of us. He’s like really into it and I fucking love reading forever, so it has turned into a good bonding experience that we both enjoy. When his semester is finally over I think a lot of reading is going to happen.

Belle Beast Read

Playlist 27: Saturday Snow Special Edition

Shit has been weird lately, but today was the first snow of the year, and it was fucking beautiful. I went on a long, freezing walk with my little brother. Neither of us really properly attired for the weather. It was just raining at first but then it started to snow. We got so excited, like two little kids. Running under the snowflakes, catching them in our mouths (and eyes accidentally), splashing through puddles and freezing ourselves, laughing laughing shivering laughing. Staring up at streetlights to get the best view of all the flakes falling so slow and gently against the night sky. It was beautiful. Now I’m home and semi-dry, here with my boyfriend. Getting ready for what will hopefully be a very nice night. Though it is Saturday and not Friday, I’m busting out a little playlist, just a handful of songs. I haven’t done one in a couple weeks, and I just want to. I hope that we all continue to have a nice weekend, and I hope it keeps snowing and snowing and snowing.

1. Miike Snow – Burial (Get it? Snow? eh? eh?) 

2. Aiden – Cold December (One of my all time fave emo songs, also… December! Cold! Yes.) 

3. Blackmill, feat. Veela – Let it Be (Chill Jam, atmospheric, light dubs)

4. Dr. Dog – Distant Light (Dr. Dog gets extra cool points just for their band name, lets’ be real.)