Alison complains about theater etiquette and a terrible movie (possible spoiler alert, but let’s be real, spoiling this movie for you is doing you a favor.)

So yesterday I went with my family to see “into the woods” and it was ……. … … … an experience. First of all the lady who chose to sit directly in front of us (even though there were lots of empty seats not directly in front of anyone) was an asshole, and she was giving us all kinds of shit because we were talking to each other during the previews, about the previews and it was like… dude it’s just the fucking previews chill your shit out. Also you CHOSE to sit here directly in front of us fuck you. My dad was pretty funny though. She was like “Are you going to talk through the whole movie?!” and my dad said “Of course not, we’re not barbarians!” and it was p funny. But yeah she was gross and annoying overall. (but she did apologize to my mom after the movie ended. so w/e I guess?) And then, the movie itself was a fucking disaster in my opinion. When my little bro was in 9th grade he was briefly in his school’s production of “into the woods”. By briefly, I mean he was the old dude who convinced jack to take the beans. He had like 4 lines I think. He was supposed to be a stage hand but some kid got mono a couple days before the premier and he took his place. Anyway, I went to see the play twice while he was in it. So, at first I was fairly amused by this movie because I recognized all the songs and it was cute. But the thing is, that high school version of this play ended at the point when everyone was “happily ever after” , which was about an hour and a half into the movie. So I was like cool. cute. That’s the end, I’m ready to go home. But no. That wasn’t the end. Nooooooooo it was not. Shit kept happening, and it went on for another whole hour. And that last hour was fucking terrible. It was agony. (“AAaaaaagonyyyyyy! Beyond power of speeeech!”) It seemed like someone else had written all the songs for this part of the movie, and they fucking sucked flaming coyote truds at writing songs. All the songs sounded the same and they were painfully slow and completely lacking the harmonies and dynamics of earlier songs and  like…. they were not about anything? Just gratuitous singing for no reason? And the two romantic lead couples sort of switched partners, which is a gross overused trope that I would like to see die. And one of the main characters died? and her death was mentioned like as a fucking footnote? “Hey, where’s that lady?” “Oh, she fell off a fucking cliff somehow and DIED. Because she was just a silly little woooman who liked getting kissed by princes but couldn’t take care of herself in the woods because she was a laaaaaaady and she didn’t have a MANFOLK to keep her from the dies.” Like seriously I’m not exaggerating that’s basically what happened it was so gross. Everything about the last hour of that movie was a complete disaster. A train wreck. It jumped the shark and then it just kept finding more sharks and it jumped all of them too. If you have to see this movie, I recommend leaving at the part where it seems like it should be over. When your heart tells you that that’s the end of the movie and you should leave, Just leave. Trust your instincts.

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