the nonsleep diaries

I’m sooooo exhausted. My eyes can barely focus. Blurrrrr city. blur blur city. But guess what? I got a trail for some fucking weird bizarre type of freelance work that I don’t even fully understand yet, and I have to finish it by 7pm tomorrow. Hahaha yeah. I’m alternating between chill confidence and gut wrenching fear. I need to look at the things and figure out what I’m doing and figure out if I have any questions I need to ask the client, but I don’t want to do that stuff at all. Nah son. Nah son. Not at all. But really I had a nice day today mostly. I spent a lot of it with my parents. We went on a long walk with the dogs, and I pet two horses and one of them really liked getting scratched under the chin, and I named him chin horse, and we were friends. Also we saw a bunch of alpacas, and they were way on the other side of a field, but they came over to check us out and they were super cute and v curious about the dogs. I’m really fucking tired, and I need to do more stuff with my life in general. I really do.

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The backs of my ears

Fucking tired but not tired. Having fairly bad cramps cuz I just fucking started my period, which is g.r.8 timing, since I’m spending the night at my parents house away from my heating pad and other comforts. Also I’m sleeping on the futon in my brother’s room cuz I let him have the big bed because his sheets were already on it and I didn’t feel like dealing with it and it’s 6am already and I’m getting *maybe* 3 hrs sleep. I’m worried about money and I’m worried about my s.o and I’m worried about myself tbh. But… We did have some significant recording success. Laid down vocals for TWO FUCKING SONGS!! I did next to none of the vocals, just ran the board all night and laid down some “ooooh”s. For one song. So that means 8 down 5 to go. Holy shit. Things are happening. I hope I can sleep at least a little. This bed isn’t so bad. I’m probably guna wake up confused about where I am tho. But that’s okay. I’m gonna read a little and then try to pass out. Need to do laundry in the morning.

Thing

I’m not doing well. I have no motivation and I feel empty inside and all I want to do is sleep and be gone and not have to think. I need to find work… Like… a week ago. They keep saying it’s coming soon but I haven’t heard anything and I should probably just suck it up and find a terrible job somewhere that pays less than I deserve but is actually reliable. That’s the responsible move. Kill my childish notion that I can somehow escape the daily grind prescribed by a morally bankrupt capitalist society. If something doesn’t happen soon things are guna be real bad money wise and it’s my fault.

I dunno. I have no excuses for any of the things I hate about myself. At least I’m not in excruciating physical pain anymore. Just beating myself up mentally wishing I could get a break from myself. Sleep. Sick of living in the midst of stupid gross loud losers and college kids. Walking on tip toes trying to keep everything together. Not looking forward to the epic recording session that’s coming up soon. By the end of next week. I’m dry and scared and completely uninspired. If it was up to me I’d probably let the project die, so I guess it’s good it’s not up to me. I can’t even move, I feel paralyzed and unable. Stuck in a swimming pool of jello. Not good. Not doing well.

Help, I’m alive

So the past few days have been pretty terrible for me. I’ve been in huge amounts of pain, feeling sick as fuck, not sleeping. I’m finally starting to feel marginally normal again. *knock on wood* I wanted to sleep even more but it seems like my garbage neighbor is playing his garbage music like a huge disgusting piece of living shit. Cool. Whatever. I think I did finally get 8 hours at least. Last night was kinda fun, it was raining and I was finally feeling human, and we went on a fucking *mission* to get popeyes chicken cuz I wanted that shit. I love driving in the rain, even though it can be scary sometimes due to other drivers being terrible. I’m gonna chill and rest now. I really fucking hope I get some work soon, seriously, please??? I really need it.

Watching the last Harry potter movie by myself. Chillin. Thinking about heteronormitivity. Wondering if my complete apathy and lack of any motivation or excitement about anything and general emptiness feelings are clinical depression. Cool cool! I will try. I will call you in a bit if you want, and then we can make it work. I will call you in a bit if you want, and then you 😛 I will navigate to the gym and running into the store right now. I will call your house around? Or just wait? Or just buy a couple gallons of drinking water. Nice job phone auto fill. Cool! Oh shit snape just died. Like fuck you snape. Harry why did you name your fucking kid after that creep? That’s some bullshit. I don’t believe it. 
I need a shower. I need some work soon please.

Daylight cravings

Hahaha I want to stay awake forever and punch everyone in the face. I hurt my knee by tripping over a fucking rock in the dark and I’m the fucking worst. Hahaha haha ha ha just the worst. So awake and fragile like a baby deer. Like a little baby baby baby deer. A fawn squinting against the dawn because it’s fucking daylight savings, stealing an hour and suddenly it’s 6 am. Six a.m. and I’m still open like a wound. After so long, i’d forgotten how good it could feel. How fucking calm and real and me I could feel. But I’d also forgotten how vulnerable it
leaves me, for how long. Sing a little song, scream until it’s gone. Relax, lie down, embrace the night. Oh fuck, oh wait, that’s morning light.