Turkey Thursday

Yeah. Survived thanksgiving. There were no big monstrosities. Tbh I was flying like a goddamn kite the whole time, thanks to 1/6th of a legally obtained chocolate bar a friend gifted us. It was cool for a while but then I started getting way too introspective and hating on myself… Which is what always happens and I should know better but w/e. I spent a good chunk of the evening trying to help my mom’s friend with her new smartphone, that her daughter basically dumped on her with no instructions. It looked like it needed a fucking exorcism I was horrified with all the notifications and auto updating shit and a smattering of random apps everywhere. Also I didn’t recognize what kind of phone it was but it felt like a cheap piece of shit. Anyway what I really needed was her to just leave me alone with it for an hour or two so I could set it up for her… But she was like paranoid about it so I did what I could to help her but didn’t get to exorcise it’s demons… And I’m still mildly haunted by what a fucking mess it was.
In other news I still haven’t heard from my client in regards to getting paid for that batch of work… And possibly… Hopefully… Please getting another batch to do… So I’m getting all fucking paranoid about that shit, like what if I fucked it up so bad they aren’t gonna pay me? What if they’ll never give me another batch? Fuck man, I’m just messing myself up about it and I hope she was just taking the holiday weekend off and she gets back with me soon. In the mean time I’m trying my best to not freak myself out… But I’m not great at it. I really need that money asap. *insert fearful squeaking noises here* sooooooooo yeah. Yeah. Ton of stuff I want/need to do tomorrow, and I would like to pick up my library book if at all possible. We’ll see. I’ll do my best. Need to get started with my grad school app. *fearful noises again*

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I finished it. I’m feeling paranoid that I fucked it up… But I finished it. I also feel hollowed out, scooped out. Just empty. And my body hurts all over. I have nothing left to give right now, please universe don’t force me to demonstrate otherwise. Tired and beat up but not In a cool way. But I did it. It was horrible but I did it. Fuck. Every little thing is making me feel like I’m about to cry.

9,000 lines

Of links curated. Only 2,531 left to go. (1,000 before I can sleep. the rest tomorrow.) It’s been so much and felt so… Thick. Fucking digging through them with a dull toothpick. I’m low low low on sleep, and hoping for 4 hours tonight, if I’m lucky. Shiver from anxiety and too much coffee and cold? My body decided to reject the meal I fed it… So okay. I’ll just chew some gum and try to forget that sensation. At least my snake ate successfully. It’s amazing how just sitting here doing this can hurt my body so much, but it does. each position I sit in is comfortable for less and less time. So I make it a game, a fun fun game. You can move after you finish 100 lines, not before. (but my arms are falling asleep!) well then, you better fucking hurry right? Sometimes I adjust my position without thinking if my concentration slips, and then I’m like… damn, I lost. {Sooooo it’s like… mental self-bondage?} heh yeah I guess, whatever. Don’t try to fucking analyze me so much man, just let me do weird shit in peace.  I can feel my perception slipping toward irrationality, seeing shit out of the corners of my eyes and my thinking just feels weird, off. I want to take a crying cruise around the neighborhood, or the city, or the state maybe. A weeping walk, a sobbing stroll.  come now darling, come on. Only 500 more before you can sleep. Just a stone’s splash compared to what you’ve done so far. 500 more and you can sleep. 400 now. There you are my dear, my delicate flower. Just keep going. There you go precious dove, just 300 more. You’re so close you gentle disaster you. Yes! 200! Please, keep going. Please, do it quickly my radiant moonbeam. I am so tired. There we are you cinnamon dusted cappuccino, only 100 left. Home stretch and all that. Don’t stop dear heart. Yes. Yes. You’ve done it. you’ve finally done it. Please try to sleep now

Ron weasley keeper syndrome

Man, I swear, failing that fucking exam training thing has still got me fucked up. Making me doubt my reasoning and decision making skills while I’m doing this work.  I’ve got a huge amount of it to do tomorrow, more than I did today. I have to fucking focus yo. It’s sooooo much, oh my god. But I’m gonna let myself sleep now instead of staying up forever. I’m exhausted. Still got two full days and some change. I can do it, but it’s gunna suck. (Like… 16 hour work days suck). For now, brain, please do the sleep thing while you can ❤

Freelance first glance

I’m having such a hard time concentrating on this work. Like seriously I can’t keep my freaking mind on task here. It’s so goddamn boring. Looking at thousands of lines of links and assessing their validity. Incredibly, mind-numbingly boring. So my brain peaces right the fuck out and gets distracted by other stuff instead. I took a break to take a walk with my brother and his dog (technically his girlfriend’s dog but I feel like if a dog lives in your house it’s your dog.) because I was feeling soooo fucking restless and I needed to get out of here for a little minute and get some fresh air. Haha. I still have so much more to do, this is insane. I should *not* be complaining tho, because assuming I finish it all and get paid in a timely manner (*knocks on wood*) it should be exactly enough, at the exact right time to pay my rent. (with $35 left over! wooooo sweeeeet!) And hopefully there will be at least one more batch after this one. (preferably more. *knocks on wood again*) In other news I really need to start getting my shit together for my grad school application. I have just over a month to apply and I have a lot of shit to get together. I’m pretty nervous about it TBH. I’m just very nervous in general about everything!!ii!!ii!!ii!!ii!! much nervous! very anxiety! wow! Thursday is thanksgiving and I’m not looking forward to it really. It’s basically my least fave holiday for lots of different reasons. But, whatever. All I can do is hope it isn’t a big monstrosity. God, I’m so fucking restless still. I want things and stuff and to be doing something creative instead of this mind killing sadness work. Even so, even so. I really need to concentrate. It’ll go a lot faster if I can make myself concentrate. Juuuust focus. Read the lines. Focus.

Tiny fire tiny fire. Though I may not be expecting those desires to be met, I’m happy that you’ve come home to burn inside my chest. It makes me feel more like myself, lit from within, warmer and more alive. I don’t even feel you gutter when you go,  just a coldness and “hey, what’s wrong?” “I don’t know.” Until once more you spark and smolder and I whisper “oh, oh.”

The numb that comes with failure

When you know you officially fucked up an opportunity and it’s over and it’s over and there’s nothing you can do. It feels calm and fine and hey, I think there’s a wave of tears back there. Huh. Oh yeah, you’re right. Wonder if it’s gonna reach me. Break over me, or roll and roll and roll. I wasted a week of my life. A weak weak week I could and should have spent looking for other means of income. I don’t know if that bothers me more or less than the failure itself. I’m not supposed to fail, that isn’t my thing. I have a BA and can’t even get a job that pays $12 an hour. Maybe I would find that bitterly hilarious if I were feeling things. I think it’s mostly aimlessness and uselessness I feel, behind the numbness. Two weeks from Friday the rent is due. I have nothing. Nothing. Nothing. Pennies to my name and no way to find more. Hopes as substantial as ghosts. Ideas as good as half burnt toast. Tomorrow (later today) I will drag my sad flesh prison to the gym, because it is a promise from me to me. And I’m sorry I’m so sorry for this weak willed week. Hey, me, I’m so fucking sorry for everything. I hope you can forgive me and we can find a way to move forward. For now I’m going to sit alone downstairs for a while and listen to music and chew on a piece of plastic. I’m also going to re-read all of Sunstone, because I saw it mentioned on tumblr and I love it and i find it somehow comforting and it makes me feel something at least.