Hey, you know when’s an awesome time to start your period?? During a snow storm that’s supposed to last at least two days and make it super hard to drive anywhere! It’s especially great if you only have two tampons left because you forgot to buy more because you suck at life!! Awesome!! So cool! Plus, of course, it’s also right before the *actual date night* my boyfriend and I were planning to have. Like an actual date night, for the first time in a long ass time. A night I was really looking forward to but now idk. Ugh. I fucking love the snow and I hate that I now have to hope it clears up enough for me to go to the fucking store and buy fucking tampons. Ugh. I should start using one of those fucking moon cup things. Anyone ever try those? Are they hard to insert? Do they feel weird? Like can you feel it up there?
Sleep thing hit my brain thing. Christmas was yeah and jingle good for you! No it was so nice, in an indescribable way that somehow makes me feel guilty about how nice it was. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Woah. Yeah. Woah. Yeah. We took a walk in the bosque in the twilight and the cold and the wind. There were thousands of crows in the trees. The biggest murder I’ve ever ever seen. I took a few excellent pictures that I’d love to share when I have the time and motivation.
Christmas eve, technically Christmas morning, sleeping on my childhood bed. It’s strange but not strange. I never sleep well here, but I really need to try to catch a few hours of the zzzzs. It’s been a nice day, sweet and nostalgic. I want to finish that stupid coloring page I started, but it will take forever and I have some actual work to do. I should close my eyes, laying here listening to the snores of my boyfriend who “won’t ever be able to fall asleep”. I would love to be able to just live this day and not stress myself into the ground, but we’ll see how that goes. We’ll see how everything goes. I think it’s hilarious that a house full of adults still follows our kid style traditions. There’s a plate of cookies n milk out in the living room for Santa, I even wrote him a note. About an hour ago I snuck out into the living room and filled my parents stocking with a variety of weird toys and candy that my brother and I picked out. In a couple more hours my mom will sneak out and fill ours. It’s our thing. It’s pretty dang cute. I’m gonna try to sleep now, okay?
It is 10am and I wake to the sounds of people stomping around on the roof. “What the fuck?” I ask, semi-rhetorically. We soon discover It is the maintenance people trimming the tree that hangs over our apartment. I can hear them arguing about how best to go about it. I lay there listening to their stomping and the thud of fallen branches, imagining one falling through the roof and crushing me, or busting through the window and impaling me. The sounds continue for hours and I do not fall back to sleep.
“People don’t realize that we have to do all of this twice” my little brother says, referring to the fact that we celebrate Hanukkah and Christmas, and have to acquire presents for both. We are riding around in his big truck, fighting traffic and discussing gift ideas. We end up in a tiny but bustling local tea shop, buying some loose teas for our mom. They have a huge selection and we choose a few that sound good. The shop smells delicious, and as we browse my brother falls in love with a tiny little bear-shaped jar of local honey. “I’ll buy it for you.” I tell him. “It’s only $3.” It is so small and gentle and sweet, and I want my strong, bearded, grown ass man of a brother to have it. He smiles and accepts, saying he wants to give it to his girlfriend, but since they live together it will secretly be for him as well. He takes his time and looks at all of them, studying their little bear faces and comparing the colors of the tiny silk roses attached to each label before picking the exact one he wants. I pay and we head out, both agreeing that we’d like to visit the shop again sometime.
Why can’t I stop thinking about all the times I let people down or fucked shit up? Idk. Idk. I have such a streak of fatalism lately, I don’t know how to deal with it. It’s got me twisted for sure. An unexpected windfall kinda saved my ass. Thanks money cat thing I reblogged lol. But idk. I still feel fucked up. Time is passing scary quick. Like how was it a whole fucking year ago I first saw that show? It feels like a month or two. The way memories shape perception scares me and I can’t think about it for too long. I should try to sleep I’ve been going way too nocturnal it’s not good. I spent like half an hour this morning (see:afternoon) reading an article about an 85 year old French dominatrix and it was really interesting and made me feel some type of way. Idk what my point is but yeah. Whatever. I can’t deal with stuff right now. I’m so sick of this repetitive work I’ve been doing. I’m gonna hold my snake for a minute I think, and then try and freaking sleep… And maybe my brain will be cool and let me and not torture me.
I feel h-h-h-heartbroken for no real reason at all. Just entombed in a sadness sarcophagus. Not sleeping isn’t helping. I don’t even know when the last time I got 8 hours of sleep was but it wasn’t recently. Finished my work, no idea if it was even acceptable. I already have a new batch due Tuesday and I’m just sick to death of doing this boring bullshit. I should do some tonight so I can have a single full day off, but after spending like 7 hours straight doing that shit today I can’t bring myself to do more. I took a batch only half the size of the last one. It really isn’t worth the money time wise, but it’s the only thing I have cooking right now and I need the money. I’m real tired. Things might feel better after some sleep. I’m in the mood to be alone right now, and I wouldn’t make good company anyway. Maybe going into Rio tomorrow, we’ll see. My eyes can barely focus, so maybe I should give up on this and go lay down. Read or something or watch some random YouTube shit. My feelings are my own and I can’t even feel them right.
Welp, it’s am and I should absolutely be finishing up my night’s work so I can catch a few hours of sleep… but I had this like 80% put together and I just wanted to have it for tomorrow. (Plus that Kongos shit just came on my pandora again and I was like fuck … I gotta. ) So, hopefully by the time I’m listening to this I will be free, and hopefully it will be a nice Saturday night. This is a beautifully eclectic combination of songs, and I couldn’t be happier with it honestly.
Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeros -40 day dream (rejected this one from an earlier playlist but it’s making a comeback today)
Wax Taylor – Say yes Instrumental mix (What’s a playlist without some electro swing?)
Kongos – I’m only joking (This song grabs a HOLD of me. weird and almost scary. “there’s a song, you’re trembling to it’s tune, at the request of the moon”)
The Bravery – Fistful of Sand (moon version) (this is one of those lyrically sad songs that make me feel uplifted for some reason??)
Twenty one pilots – Tear in my Heart (“But my taste in music is your face!”)
Skeewiff – Don’t Rock the Boat (electro swing again, just delicious beats and sounds and harmonies and mmm nice)
Atreyu – Bleeding Mascara (Because I flailed around in a mosh pit and screamed my face off to this song yo! always one of my Atreyu faves. Couldn’t resist.)