grad(ually)

This whole process of applying to grad school has got me fucked up. Honestly, like real fucked up. I hate writing about myself and trying to make myself out to be a good, promising candidate. exaggerating and weaving together the story of my post college life in a way that makes me seem like grad school material. And I fucking hate going through my writing to find a writing sample. Like it seems so fucking pretentious and amateurish and I hate looking at it honestly, I can’t even tell if it’s good. I need to find a copy of that stupid little magazine that published a couple of my poems. I know my parents have a copy if I can’t find mine. I just want to be fucking done, I just want to have the stupid thing submitted already, but I can’t stop procrastinating because I hate how doing it feels so it’s taking me forever. Like questioning all my life choices and shit like do I even really wanna go back? But then I’m like… so what? You know? I mean I might not even get in,  which would fucking suck, but assuming  I do get in, the semester doesn’t even start until august, which is like 8 more months. So like… if by then I change my mind or whatever, then fine. But if I don’t get this shit turned in by the 15th then I miss the opportunity and it won’t come around again for another year. SO yeah, I’m gunna fucking do it. I’m guna finish writing this goddamn letter, and then I’m going to write another goddamn letter, and then I’m going to put these poems together and edit them as I see fit and then I’m going to choose my best academic paper and edit it if necessary and then I’m going to pay the ridiculous $50 application fee, and then I’m going to submit it. And this is going to happen by Sunday.

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