Ha. I feel terrible because of the RED THING. Ha. Wicked bad. I’ve done literally nothing today. No exercise no work no anything. Whatever whatever whatever whatever. What I really want is like a full day with no work… but I feel compelled to keep doing it as long as there is some to do, cuz it’s one of those things. One of those things with things that run out eventually. Anyway, yeah. I’ve got one loaded for right now, so that’s cool I guess. I dunno. I can’t give in to my own weakness. I’m the only one in control of me and I gotta tell myself naw man. Midnight will come and go and you’ll thank me later. Should I spend $50 when I have $50 to spend and get a ticket to warped tour all teenage style? There are a few bands on the lineup that I wouldn’t mind seeing, it might be fun. But idk. Do I wanna do that by myself? It would be an epic all day solo venture. It might be fun tho. I don’t think anyone in my crew would really wanna go but me. Idk. I need to talk to my brother about the KSD show, it’s in two months. IDK if we’re gunna do a thing or what… and I don’t wanna talk about it anymore on here right now, so I won’t. yeah. Why can’t it just be Friday march 18th forever? Why’s time gotta be playing me like a fiddle? These thoughts and more, we will explore… never probably. bye.
The past few days, it’s been all on and just typing as much as I can type. 27 so far. That’s how many I’ve written, and it’s going to be 30 before I go to sleep. Before I lay my head on my too soft bed it will be 30. What even is anything? What even am I and what even? how can I do anything and stuff? I structure the days around objectives and objects. Fingers on the keyboard, go. Take three or four assignments at once and finish them all before the time slips away. Move your body. 1,000 strokes. You’re getting faster and faster, only 25 minutes this time. But afterward still drenched in sweat and making puddles… breath and heart going going going. so I think it’s still enough for now. May need to up the resistance or the number soon. I structure my day around that goal, and the goal to be mindful of what goes in it. Make it the focus of as much of me as I can stand. It’s the only way. Take as much work as you can while it’s here. It’s fleeting and fast and you never know… so just go. just go. just go. just go.
Sooooooooooooo…. hello! This week I’ve been working for a new client on a new project on a new platform. Basically I’m writing ~500 word reviews/descriptions of wedding venues. I’ve written 17 of them since Tuesday. That’s a lot of wedding venue reviews… but I’m going to try and hit 30. That would be enough money to cover rent and bills, with a tiny bit left over. So that means I need to shoot for writing 8 of them today… but I’ll settle for 7. Also, I fucking hate weddings and wedding culture. Have I mentioned that? So this is like….. I’m just in a perpetual state of being slightly annoyed while I’m writing them. having to use all kinds of flowery wedding related language and just silently apologizing to my jaded little soul self the whole time. (“sorry buddy. sorry you had to say that. sorry you had to think up that sentence with the words “lush bridal bouquet” in it. Sorry you had to say the words “special day” so many times. It’s gonna be a special day when you get paid for these, that’s what.”) But honestly, I’ve done worse things for less money… so I can’t really complain. I think this project is gonna be over in like … 5 more days? is my estimate? maybe only 4, I dunno. So I’m going to try and suck as much money out of it as I can manage. This client said they are going to have other work after this, which would be rad since I haven’t heard a peep from my main client in like a week… but I don’t trust or count on anything. Nothing is reliable in the freelance world and I’m honestly really sick of the instability of it all. I want a steady, predictable income. -shrugs for 50 years- I still haven’t heard anything about grad school… no news is good news they say? but I just feel all twisted up about it honestly. If I don’t hear anything by the start of April I’m gunna see if I can contact anyone to find out what the deal is. No post on Sundays, so I don’t have to think or worry about it today… which is a little bit nice I think? Last night was pretty chill and fun. I was very drunk and we watched dumb movies and stuff and at one point we were scream singing dumbass emo songs. I dunno. I think it was pretty chill. I keep having dreams that I think are at least mildly kinky? but I don’t actually remember them? I just wake up with that feeling like…. something freaky went down in dreamland. Sooo… that’s something. Could be hormone related, because my **special blood time*** is due to happen any time now. I’m gunna start calling it that. Special Blood Time. Sounds like a ritual sacrifice or something. The ritual sacrifice of my goddamn uterine lining. You’re welcome. Alright, well, I have to go write about a hotel off of Lake Taho with “Stunning panoramic views of the sparkling water”.
Just doing my thing man. Just need to do my fucking thing. I started a brand new project with a brand new client on a brand new platform today. Writing articles about wedding venues. You guys know how much I fucking love weddings and definitely care about that subject definitely totally care about it a lot. But the pay is fairly decent, and if the work is actually consistent it could potentially be pretty great. But that’s the clincher… if the work is consistent. (and if they actually pay me) I’ve been in the freelance game long enough to know that consistent work is wicked hard to come by. Soooooo… we’ll see I guess. For now all I can do is write stuff, and see if anything from my other client comes up, and hope that maybe just maybe I can find a way to pay my rent. And also try not to freak the fuck out waiting to find out about grad school. So much shit can drag me down so easily… but I can’t let it happen. I can’t let it get me and I can’t let it take me down. I just can’t. I have to be strong, and say fuck it, and stay positive man. I can’t keep letting myself get this fucking down and doing nothing. I need to do things. I need to go and do and be, and work when I gotta work. Maybe I should start working in places with free wi-fi… instead of just sitting on my couch all hunched over. We’ll see I guess. Gotta keep working, keep everything up, not give up and not let my progress slip away. Grow it. Grow it and shrink and not shirk and breathe and drink water and not drink alcohol and write. Think of things and take time in the palm of my hands and squeeze its neck until it stops passing so flighty fast.
I feel oddly heartbroken. Nostalgic for a thing that happened only a few days ago. A beautiful thing. A beautiful day. And I’m maybe a bit overwhelmed. Maybe a bit hopeless feeling. Guilty. Lost. Moderately terrified that the reason I haven’t gotten word about grad school is because I’m a third or fourth tier choice… And they’re waiting to see how many bright stars accept before deciding on me. And if that’s the case I’m probably fucked. I just applied for a new job with a new client. More descriptions about different bullshit… But I need the money so I hope I get it.
hahahaholy fucking shit. Oh my god. Aces day. Aces fuckng day. what a great day to be me and to be alive and to be alive as me. what an insane intense day. honestly, meow wolf, santa fe, one of the coolest fucking things that I have ever seen in my entire baby life. and god i want so save it all, to add it all to my eternal memory…. but fuck. jesus fucking christ. the art exibit alone was so fucking mind blowing and we spent nearly two hours in there. Going and seeing and every turn is something and “look for hidden doors” he says to me, and in the next room I find the best one. The best one. The coolest fucking one… and he never would have thought of it. But then there was the show too. And I want to remember every fucking second of it… but I know that just isn’t how it goes. haha. we were so fucking close. Standing room, almost front row, one person in front of us. and people on the balconies, but they aren’t balconies. they are the house, the house of eternal return and they are rooms and they are looking down but we are down, we are there and she is singing the things that make my heart go go go go go alive hahah wow. right there. right there so close to my face and I listen and I am alive. She jokes and banters and talks to us and I am alive. It is the smallest venue. It is the perfect venue. But when it is over we mill around to meet her, and we are afraid, so we let others go, but eventually our time comes, and we hand her our fucking album, and tell her the reason why, and she takes it, and she hugs us, and she touches my arm, gently and deliberately. and omy breath it goes it goes it’s here I’m alive. I’m alive and it’s all real and it’s so real and it’s happening and everything happens. this moment is something and mine and I speak. But soft. And we leave, and see that she is still honding our album in her hands, and that is an image for me to keep in my mind. That is an image for me. and forever. Ha. fuck. there’s so much more. so many tiny beautiful things. We sat on the floor and stood and spun, and screamed, and sung, and the tuning, and the lyrics, and the words and oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh. But it’s impossible for me to record so and I kept it real as it happened. FOr me and for me and it’s only a one time thing. it happened and I was there and I was alive and I was brave in a real way. A way that matters and happens and does. yes.
My hair is starting to get pretty long again, it feels good brushing against my shoulders. The unspoken problems with me cast aside. I’m about to row but I basically hate doing it and it’s really annoying…And time passes so agonizingly slowly while I’m doing it… So I’m kinda psyching myself up / procrastinating. It’s a totally rad cardio/ full body workout, and I really need to do it. I always feel better afterward… But ugh. It’s such a pain while it’s happening. Concert on Friday. I really hope she does do a signing/meet and greet thing after. I’m gonna be pretty bummed if she doesn’t tbh. But like… We’ll see. Going with my little bro, it’s in Santa fe so we’re probably gonna spend most of the day there. -shrugs eternally into the sunset- it’s stressing me out a bit to think about it so I’m not going to any more right now. I need to row… While I still got some energy from my breakfast/only meal left in my body. Yeah. Cool. Cool. Yeah. I should do it. Yeah. I need doorstops or something. Yeah. Okay. Let’s freaking do it. Yeah. Ugh. I mean… Yeah! Totally psyched! Making puddles! Here we go!
Should be tired. Maybe I am? I drank a lot of water and I keep having to pee so that’s not helping. I feel like I got less than 8 hours sleep for so many nights in a row that my body is just like… This is normal now. And even today when I could have slept in I couldn’t sleep. Oh shit, I wonder if my direct deposit came in. Ima check… Hold on…Oh wait… I just remembered that I can’t because I just got a new debit card and I don’t remember what the last 4 digits are and I’m totes not going downstairs to check it. My snake didn’t eat today which makes me paranoid about her. But I’ll try again in a few days. Gotta hit the rodent store. Gotta pay my cc bill. Gross. Ok I did it. So many fucking bills it’s super overwhelming. Like really just the worst. Whatever. Moving on. I’m getting tired now..I should work on some of my personal projects tomorrow. Plus I gotta row. Ugh I fucking hate it while it’s happening but I feel so much better about myself and just life afterwards. Yeah. Hope tomorrow will be nice. Spring break yo. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. Bye.
So here we are again, same position I was in last night except secretly actually a little worse because I have more to do and less time. I can’t not procrastinate if I don’t have an immediate looming deadline. … but it’s looming pretty hard right now. I’m going to be awake forever. Like seriously we’re talking all freaking night…. hopefully 4 hours of sleep before immediately more work. Oh well. oh well. I’ll do what I gotta do. It’ll be over after tomorrow and I don’t know what I’ll do then. I don’t know I don’t know I don’t know I don’t know. But like… those are problems for later style me, I suppose. Right now me has only one problem to deal with, and that’s finishing this work. I took a rowing machine break that ended up taking forever and now I’m here lol. -shrugs forever, off into the sunset- Okay… I gotta kick it into gear. Gunna fuckin’ hyper power through these fucking things. Like blow through them like that one episode of mythbusters where they put that ramming thing on their huge truck and plowed through a huge row of cars. Yeah, that’s gunna be me… except … I’m the truck and the cars are product descriptions. A bunch of them have been for toys and it keeps trying to get me to confirm if the toy is for a boy or a girl, but I wrote that every single one was unisex. FIGHT ME.
I feel really weird and bad and (guilty?) and freaked out and just not cool. It’s the weird night time thoughts that I used to always chase away with alcohol when I was drinking heavily basically every single night. But I can’t do that shit to my body anymore. Weekend drinking is probably still too much, but it’s an improvement over my past self. Like reeling that shit in, you know? Last night left me feeling pretty weird. I don’t do that well when I’m left alone all intoxicated. My impulse control gets mad low and I’ve been known to do dumb shit. -shrugs- I need supervision, lol. I need lots of stuff. I need to be working because I have an insane amount of work to do. But man, I wish I could just curl up and go to sleep instead. Start over tomorrow and maybe have less emptiness inside me? Idk. I should do like 10 more at least before going to bed tho. This is already the end of this assignment, and I didn’t even make enough to pay my rent. Fucking bullshit super low rate that I got because I got fucked over. What the fuck am I going to do yo? Is more work going to come in? What the fuck am I going to do? *vaguely panics* okay, okay. I need to focus yo. I need to get back to it, knock out as many as I can as fast as I can. Sundays are always weird and usually almost always make me feel weird. Idk wtf I’m doing, like… at all… about anything. Well, I suppose that’s not quite true, but almost. Okay, it’s time to singularly focus. C’mon baby me, you can do it. Just focus. Put your mind into it all the way, bang out each word as fast as you possibly can. You know it’ll be good even if you do it really fast. Even if you don’t read over it before submitting it. You know it’ll be good enoug. Just do it. Kill it. That’s good, keep going. Six down, four to go. Then you can sleep. Knock ’em out little self.