self talk

I feel really weird and bad and (guilty?) and freaked out and just not cool. It’s the weird night time thoughts that I used to always chase away with alcohol when I was drinking heavily basically every single night. But I can’t do that shit to my body anymore. Weekend drinking is probably still too much, but it’s an improvement over my past self. Like reeling that shit in, you know? Last night left me feeling pretty weird. I don’t do that well when I’m left alone all intoxicated. My impulse control gets mad low and I’ve been known to do dumb shit. -shrugs- I need supervision, lol. I need lots of stuff. I need to be working because I have an insane amount of work to do. But man, I wish I could just curl up and go to sleep instead. Start over tomorrow and maybe have less emptiness inside me? Idk. I should do like 10 more at least before going to bed tho. This is already the end of this assignment, and I didn’t even make enough to pay my rent. Fucking bullshit super low rate that I got because I got fucked over.  What the fuck am I going to do yo? Is more work going to come in? What the fuck am I going to do?  *vaguely panics* okay, okay. I need to focus yo. I need to get back to it, knock out as many as I can as fast as I can. Sundays are always weird and usually almost always make me feel weird. Idk wtf I’m doing, like… at all… about anything. Well, I suppose that’s not quite true, but almost. Okay, it’s time to singularly focus. C’mon baby me, you can do it. Just focus. Put your mind into it all the way, bang out each word as fast as you possibly can. You know it’ll be good even if you do it really fast. Even if you don’t read over it before submitting it. You know it’ll be good enoug. Just do it. Kill it. That’s good, keep going. Six down, four to go. Then you can sleep. Knock ’em out little self.

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