Still no word from an editor. Still no idea if I’m doing these even remotely correctly. Sooooo… that’s fun. I just keep on writing them and I have no idea what I’m doing and yeah. My mom’s birthday is on Sunday and I have no idea what to get her or anything. I don’t think my brother has any ideas either. Also I have seriously no money at all to buy her anything with… but that’s a problem for tomorrow Alison to deal with. Right now Alison is just gunna let it ride, and coast, like some kind of riding coasting ride. yeah. I *think* we’re going to meow wolf on the Monday after her birthday, but maybe on Sunday if my brother can’t get Monday off. Monday would be better because it’ll be way less crowded… but we’ll see what we can do. I’m really excited to go again. Like it makes my stomach flutter a little bit thinking about seeing it again and getting to show it to new people. I hope they like it like I like it, I really really do. I should put my meow wolf bumper sticker on, I keep forgetting to do it, that’s literally the only reason I haven’t. Let’s seeee… what else? Oh yeah… a new month brings new bills to pay, and lots of them. Like seriously…. so fucking many. It’s such a pain in the asshole to keep track of them. Every couple days it’s something. I want things to be different. I’m really tired. Like just feeling profoundly, deeply exhausted right now. This new assignment is not helping me at all with anything. I really really really really really hope I get something else soon. That would be great. Still feeling my grad school dream die by slow measures, and it feels pretty weird and bad. It’s been like… a couple weeks? and I still have to keep reminding myself that it’s not going to happen. That those futurevisions(tm) I planned out are not going to pan out. Let’s see… what else? Oh yeah, tomorrow is officially a month until the KSD show, a literal show that I’m literally singing in… so my brother and I should probably start practicing for it. yeah. I’ll try to see if we can carve out some time for that this weekend. It’s going to be a really cool show, I wish you guys could go but you are random strangers from the internet, so probably you can’t. Okay, I need to set my personal existential exhaustion aside and go write some more Schrodinger’s articles (they are both accepted and rejected until the editor checks the box)


So far I really hate this new assignment, and I’ve hardly done any. No editor has gotten back with me so far, so I don’t even know if I’m doing them right at all. There are **sooooooo** many specifications and a literal list of “forbidden words” that includes “plastic, powder coated steel, and made in China” Like…. oooooookay then. Also they don’t want me to use oxford commas which I hate doing because I firmly believe in oxford commas for various totally logical reasons. yeah.whatever tho. Like if you’re gunna pay me then I’ll make your lists of things look stupid and not tell people where your shit was made. That’s fine with me overall… but please let me know if I’m doing these remotely right, because I really don’t want to have to re-write a million of them. yeah. yeah. whatever. yeah. I wish I had some other cool idea for making money that isn’t … doing this. Doing this all the freaking time forever. But I know I should be greatful that it’s here and it’s something I can do . It could be a lot worse and I know it. Tomorrow I’m going to write a *ton* of these, whether or not I hear back from an editor before then. I can’t go slow and wait and see any longer, I gotta risk it and make money. Ugh. I’m so annoyed with everything and I don’t even know what the hell to do with myself. I need to get to fucking work. That’s a true fact. yeah.

wet paint

So here we are again. By we I mean me mostly, but you know how it is. This weekend was very interesting and mostly pretty dang cool. I could say a ton of stuff about it, but this isn’t the right place and also it’s pretty personal, so I’ll just say I am a white field with a fresh black dot.

New project with a new client. (well, they aren’t that new… I’ve had them as a client for a couple weeks but they didn’t actually have any work until now) It’s more product descriptions, in a slightly different format, longer and with more specific requirements and I have to put links in them and do HTML formatting I guess? Not a great payment rate really, but I need to take it and do some while I can. Within the next couple months I need to make an extra ~$450 above and beyond my usual expenses because I’m going to pay for my S.O to take two summer classes out of pocket. Yeah… so…. that’s probably going to suck. (and by probably I mean definitely. It’s definitely going to fucking suck) Anyway, yeah. We’ll figure it all out probably hopefully hopefully probably maybe possibly probably definitely probably. Should I be looking for a better fucking job? I don’t even know. I don’t even know what I should do. I don’t have a plan B and I don’t want to do any of the plan B things I’ve been able to come up with. yeah. cool. I saw this thing online yesterday saying that Hawaii was hiring a ton of people with bachelor’s degrees as teachers cuz they have a massive teacher shortage. And like…. I hate working with kids but if it wasn’t for all my people here I would seriously consider it. Spend a year in Hawaii or whatever? Teach English to a bunch of island kids? But my family would be pretty devastated if I left for that long. Starting salary of like $50,000 a year, which I know isn’t amazing, but it’s most definitely more than I’ve ever made in my tiny baby life. I could learn how to surf and hopefully not get eaten by a shark. -shrugs eternally off into the sunset- I hate summer, it’s so hot and who the fuck knows when they’re gunna turn our AC on. Hahaha. I have so many things to pay for it’s really freaking me the fuck out. But at the same time I’m having a really really hard time forcing myself to concentrate and write these stupid things. I’m so freaking tired of typing shit for people for money. Fucking bullshit descriptions of things I hate looking at and hate in general. My laptop is my favorite enemy, I never even look at it anymore unless I’m working. Everything else I do mobile style. It’s kinda funny, but like also not. You know what else is kinda funny but like also not? I’m annoyed with myself about how much I let myself eat this past weekend, and my stupid stupid fuckass brain just keeps saying “eating more stuff will make you feel better about it” and I’m like… in what fucking bizarro universe is that a true statement? Where the actual fuck did you get that idea buddy? Why is your logic so ridiculous and terrible, and why do you want me to fail at the things I care about? These are the real questions. Fortunately, I am smarter than my base brain thoughts. Well…. most of the time at least. I’m going to go to the gym in a little over an hour, and I’m going to run two miles and I’m going to do a full body circuit. Then I’m going to come home, and shower, and concentrate on my fucking work for the remainder of the night. That’s basically my plan of action. yeah. Doesn’t sound too bad overall. Not great… but not bad. I’ll knock out a few product descriptions, make some money, make myself feel like the type of person who does work and is a real adult… etc. I wanna try soylent 2.0 (or 1.5 for that matter) but it’s like…. pretty dang expensive, and I’m like…. pretty dang not having money. Maybe I’ll ask my parents to buy some for me…. I dunno. I wanna try it tho, I have for years ever since I first first heard about it. Yeah. okay. okay. yeah. whatever. I’m so freaking done with stuff for now. Sorry this is so ridiculous and long but really not sorry at all, no one is forcing you to read it.


Guess who’s back? Since all the work I’m doing requires bulleted lists, I’m going to utilize one for this entry.

Some things:

  • Four hour sleep is not enough sleep hours it’s really not
  • They are hellla behind on editing and I’m paranoid I’m not gunna get paid for all my work
  • They better fucking hurry up and edit my stuff yo
  • It’s time for more writing
  • I feel sick and have a headache and am very tired
  • Here we go, here we go, here we go go go go go go go
  • I’ve got 4 hours ’till I have to head to my parents house for Jew activities
  • I think my brother and I will carpool
  • It feels like the right thing to do since it’s earth day
  • Coffee tiiiiiiime
  • My working method sure involves a lot of twitching and fidgeting around and air drumming and chewing on pens
  • 95 done, that’s cool
  • Almost all music sounds good to me  and makes me feel feels when I’m exhausted
  • Holy shit, I’m at 100. 100 fucking product descriptions since wednesday
  • One of the products in the queue was “donald trump men’s ties” and I refused to write that one
  • ima take a tiny break and eat a hot pocket now cuz I’m starting to shake
  • It’s actually a lean pocket with cheese and spinach and it’s legit
  • Oh just kidding, it’s actually kinda gross
  • 105, and our departure has been delayed ’till 6 so I’m shooting for 120
  • my brain is so tired of doing this hahaha haha ha ha h
  • ** general foot jiggling and twitching**
  • 110 biiiitches!! OOOOooooooohhhhhhhHHhhhhhhh!!!
  • gum is cool but I bit my cheek like 4 times
  • I burned my leg with my laptop slightly apparently
  • WTF am I going to wear to passover all my clothes are dirty I’ve been going commando all day
  • 115. I’m taking it down. down town. 5 more, gotta do it. okay. let’s go
  • Coffee hell yeah more coffee time now
  • eew gross I forgot to spit out my gum before I drank that coffee eew bad combo
  • BAM! DONE! 120 hell yeah! I gotta freaking get ready and leave now!!!
  • AAAAAaaaaAAAAAaaaAAaaAAAAaaAAAaAaAaaaaaaAaAa

though process and processing thoughts

I’m mainly writing this to comfort myself, because I find it calming for some reason. All the coffee I drank is keeping me awake, but it’s also making my anxiety go off like woah. LIKE WOAH SON. I have a lot more work I need to do still. Five more and I should have enough to pay my rent, with about $15 left over. Yeah. But that’s not really enough for like… being a person… and paying all the other fucking bills I have to take care of. Man, being an adult is so tiring. Like so draining. It would be cool if I had more time to do some tomorrow, but it’s passover and I have familial obligations. I’m planning on only getting four hours sleep, so I can do as many as possible and things of that nature. I’m getting really fast at them, but still. It’s draining.

Bam. rent money number unlocked. Completed. That was the bare minimum that I needed to do and I did it. Hell yeah. Hell yeah for me and sweet style cool things. 80 fucking product descriptions in less than 48 hours. Holy shit and also damn  these things suuuuccckkkk huge dongs. I’m tired and wired and I guess I’m going to keep going. Shoot for at least 10 more before catching a few hours sleep? I originally wanted to make it to 100 tonight, but idk if that’s practical… me staying awake and being able to think-wise. It’s okay tho. I feel a bit relieved since I made it to 80. I wonder how many other people are working on this project with me. I wonder how they feel about it. Judging by the fact that the pool hasn’t shrunk much in the last couple hours, most of them are asleep right now.

85 mothafuckaaas! I’m tiny riiiick! Time to party!! (help, let me out, this is not a dance) I’m so cool and awesome and writing stuff for a living is gr9 (I’m begging for help, I’m screaming for help) I want to do it forever!! Time to queue up five more! (I’m dying in a vat in the garage!) 

Okay!! We’re at 90 now. It’s 5am. I’m going to try and do a little of the sleep thing. Super cool, please edit them now editors and pay me. much sleep tired brain. Actually sleep hopefully will happen? I can only do a small few hours worth. But I will do the hours.



I know a thing about contrition

I got a micro-batch of work. It’s another project, another client. I’m suddenly getting hella  new clients all over the place and it’s cool but sorta weird. Hopefully some of them will actually have some steady work soon, that would be rad. Anyway, this is a short project that’s only expected to last a couple of days… which is okay. I’ll do as much as I possibly can during those two days. I’m writing tiny short product descriptions for just a couple bucks a pop, but it only takes me a few minutes to do each one so it’s not too bad overall. It’s boring but it’s not too bad. I didn’t sleep very much last night so I feel all weird and off but it’s okay. Might go on a walk soon just to stretch my legs and get my mind back in order. tomorrow I wanna hit the gym again, and basically work all day constantly before and after.

Oh hey, now it’s 2am and I am helllla tired, and tired of writing things. I’ve done 34 of these description things as of now, and I’d really like to make it 50 before I go to bed, but we’ll see if that ends up happening. I’m not a huge fan of having to grab them from a big pool queue thing where all the writers get them. It makes me feel like I’m competing with all of them to get them done as fast as possible. I prefer to just say “I’ll do X number” and get that many and not have to compete. But whatever. Freelancers can’t be freechoosers… or something.

I feel like my family is still kinda dancing around me since my grad school dreams died. Like they don’t know how to talk about it or how sensitive I am about it, but it’s okay. Like today I took one of my frequent nighttime walks with my brother and I said I wanted to go through the school this time and I could tell his face was like “are you sure?” and my face was like “yeah it’s cool no problem” And we did, and I secretly did feel slightly sad and weird the whole time but it was still nice. We walked under some really nice smelling trees that smelled like artificial grape flavoring … in a good way.

Today was 4/20 … blaze it! Except not me because weed makes me feel pretty bad. Mostly it makes me get **wicked introspective** which is like… literally the exact opposite of what I want when I ingest things. I want my brain to shut the fuck up, not GET LOUDER AND MEANER. Plus I get hardcore munchies which is horrible and also bad. But hey, to each their own self be true.

I need to keep working and I want to buy some bananas so I can give them tattoos. Tomorrow is probably going to suck a lot, I want it to be Friday. Oh well. I know I shouldn’t wish time away. I should just buckle down and concentrate. Bye.


Screaming and darting

Feeling stressed about just about everything. Hard day’s night and all that. Wish my brain would let me chill. Let me sleep. The nights are always worse for some reason, and yet I love them. I want to tattoo some bananas and eventually myself. It’s my new hobby or something. I am a fool perhaps but it is my choice. I need stencil making paper tho… And better ink. Yeah. Okay. Okay. Yeah. I feel weird and lost but hey I got to fondle my s.o for like an hour earlier so that was pretty cool. Our apartment currently has no hot water, so I took a super freezing very terrible post gym shower. There was a lot of screaming involved, and shivering, and darting in and out of the water at lightning speeds. I wouldn’t recommend it… But hey, I’m clean. Hopefully the water will be fixed by tomorrow. I forgot what else I was gonna say, so I guess this is farewell.