True facts about my life

The more I think about my relationship with my body, and my relationship with ~food~ the more I realize how fucked up it all is and always has been. Fucked up. Mentally and physically unhealthy, confusing, painful. I find myself terrified of how easily I could lose the progress that I’ve made. How easily it could be undone. Progress that is still so insignificant compared to what I want… but it’s mine and it’s true and it’s a good start and it’s something. It would be so easy to backslide and I can feel it trying to happen and I’m using a stupidly huge amount of my willpower to stop it. A stupidly huge amount of my self  devoted to stopping it, to pushing past yet another dumb hurdle my mind throws up, and to keep going. The defense mechanisms in my body that want to keep it are starting to scream in protest and I can’t explain it to them So I just have to override it. It’s a fire I have to keep lit all the time on the back burner. An awareness I have to keep at the back of my mind at all times, and usually that’s fine. Usually that’s enough, and it’s fine. But sometimes it’s not enough and I have to just concentrate. Just sit there in my head and repeat what I want, and why. Tell myself to be strong, that I can do it, that it’s working. Remind myself how much better I already feel. And if I seem far gone, that’s the truth about where I am. (({i’msorry})).

I haven’t heard anything about the writing trial I did a few days ago so I’m assuming I didn’t get that. Whatever. Haven’t heard from the client I was just working for either… and they paid me $60 less than I actually earned. Haven’t heard from my main client either. So….. nothing all around, and I have a little bit of money but it’s only a little. I need new work soon and I hope it happens. I emailed the relevant department yesterday asking about my grad school application, if anyone knew what the deal was. This is the vague and confusing response I got:

Dear (me):

While I do not know the status of your particular application, you should be hearing from the program by tomorrow, April 15th.


(literally not signed at all by anyone)

Sooooo like what the hell does that mean? Are they going to email me by tomorrow? Am I supposed to get my letter by tomorrow? What’s the d-d-d-deal yo? What am I supposed to do with that information? I guess wait until tomorrow… and see what happens. I’ve got a variety of plans for tomorrow. I would like to go to the library’s $5 per bag used book sale, because I hella want a bag of books for $5. But we’ll see if I can make that happen… or if there’s even anything I really want. Then in the evening we’re going to a rocky horror themed belly dance show, which sounds hilarious and I really couldn’t miss it because I love me some rocky horror. Yeah. okay. okay. yeah. This turned into something really long that probably no one is going to read, but that’s okay. I’m gunna go row. I’ve got this.


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