I officially didn’t get into grad school. Got my rejection letter yesterday. I’m really upset about it, honestly. I mean…. I dunno. whatever. I put so much fucking work into my application… so much of my fucking soul and heart guts and it’s for nothing. Honestly, I was really sure I was going to get in. Ugh. Ugh. and my parents told all kinds of people that I was applying…. and now they’ll have to tell them that I didn’t get in and honestly it’s so fucking gross. And like…. I didn’t even realize how much I was sub-consciously planning my life around it. In the back of my mind thinking “well, I only have to keep up this freelance shit until August.” but that’s not true at all. Not at all. Not at all. I’m so fucking sick of how unreliable it all is. It’s too much for me to carry, too fucking unreliable. I don’t know how to deal with anything. I really don’t. I feel like a failure. Not good enough.
But you know what? Fuck it. Fuck this and fuck Dr. Gail Houston and fuck that other thing and fuck it all. I’m going to get changed, and go to the gym. I’m gonna run and move my body and hey, I’m not really that hungover, it will be fine. (well, maybe I should drink a little coffee first, you know how it is) And my brother is going to go with me and we will hang out and not talk about it. and if his girlfriend is home she’s going to show me a preliminary video of some of the choreography she put together for our show. Our fucking show, which is a real thing that is happening and I’m going to sing in front of a bunch of people and I’m not even freaked out about it really that much. I actually kinda wanna do it. I actually am slightly psyched about it. I made it through last night without doing anything stupid to myself, even though haha… oh boy… did I ever really want to. So 10 points for nighttime me. And 10 points for daytime me, because I’m going to go exercise and sweat out some toxins because I am in a human body and I can. It’s beautiful outside, exactly how I like, cloudy and cool and drizzling rain. So fuck it. Fuck it all.