dread in the beast

So I picked up another client, the one I did a trial for a few days ago and was pretty sure I didn’t get because they didn’t get back to me. Well, they got back to me today and apparently I did get it. They wanted “high level writers” and I hope that means they’ll pay high level wages… but I don’t even know yet… because they don’t *actually* have any work for me yet. SO that’s cool. Who’s got two thumbs, and three clients, and no work? This guyyyyyyyyyyyyy. Yeah. cool. I can’t believe I’m not going to fucking get a masters degree… unless I feel like waiting a whole ‘nother year and applying again. Which… like… why would that even make a difference? what the fuck ever. I feel so stupid about not getting in, like fundamentally embarrassed. And letting your dreams die is an annoyingly long process. It’s fucking embarrassing to talk about but for like months I was sorta fantasizing about what it would be like, what it would be like to be a TA and run an Eng 101 class. How I would make it as non-sucktacular as i could for the students. I was coming up with ideas about it, you know? And I was really liking this fantasy version of myself who was doing this stuff And like… haha. haha dude, none of that is fucking happening! It’s hella not happening at all! You thought all those thoughts for nothing! You got your brain all twisted up, all invested in this thing that is 100% not happening. Maybe I’ll eventually get the fuck over it and move on with my life but NOT TODAY PUNKS. Today I’m going to complain about it and stuff! Hell yeah! Being sad! Hell yeah! complaining about stuff! My legs are really fucking sore. Specifically my calves. The day before yesterday I did calf raises for just *one minute* and then the next day I could barely fucking walk, it was ridiculous. Today they feel quite a bit better, but still hurt. I did more calf raises today but kept it minimal. Just trying to stretch my muscles out and stuff. I also broke my all time 2 mile elliptical speed record today, which was pretty cool. I drank coffee before I went because I was **hella tired** and I think that helped me break my record. >>__<< So yeah. Whatever. I dreamed about the house of eternal return last night. Never have I ever been so in love with a work of art. But eventually it morphed into my usual weird museum/aquarium/zoo nightmare flavored dream. yeah. But that’s alright. I’m very good at typing. I’m fast and accurate and it’s good and it feels good, when I don’t have to struggle for words and I can just put them down as fast as they come out of my brain. that’s a good feeling. that’s a very good feeling and sometimes i do it just because I like the way it feels. I’m doing that right now, as you may have guessed by the fact that I’m not really saying anything right now. Okay, I’m going to stop and also go to bed maybe since it’s 4:30 in the fucking morning which is really late and really early and time for being asleep.

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