I feel …. monumentally depressed today. I don’t even know what the deal is, but I know it’s not a cool deal. I think I’m about to start ThE rEd TiMe so that might be a contributing factor… but overall I dunno. I just feel bad and not cool and also not good at all and pretty bad and yeah. bad. I have no work currently and it’s freaking me the fuck out… so I hope that changes soon. I need some type of income yo. I need it in a soonly fashion. I was looking through *real* jobs I could apply for and I … ugh… might. The idea of sitting in a fucking office for 8+ hours every day kills my fucking soul so goddamn much but at the same time I’m so fucking sick of how unreliable my freelance income is. How could I ever build an actual future for myself with so much uncertainty? whatever. I hate it all. I hate it all. Like I said… I’m feeling depressed as fuck. Maybe I’ll feel better after going to the gym, because I haven’t been in a few days because things have been happening all over the place every day and I genuinely haven’t had time. So I’m thinking that might make me feel better overall. It often does. We went to meow wolf yesterday with the whole family and yeah, it is as cool as I remember it being. My mom texted me today to tell me she’s been thinking about it all day. I’m like… yeah, same. I need to get my shit together. I let myself drink alcohol on a fucking weeknight and that was stupid for a variety of reasons. Like I crave it? but I didn’t even have fun really. I felt really good for a few minutes and then suddenly I felt emotionally terrible for the rest of the night. Like how fucking stupid. What’s even the point then? My body needs to chill right the fuck out about all that stuff. I’m within a handsbredth of a not insubstantial personal goal, and I can’t let myself fuck it up. I want it. I need it. I’ve just been feeling suuuuuuuch a strong urge so self harm lately. I don’t even know how to approach dealing with that really. I’ve managed to not do anything that could possibly leave a scar since I was a teenager, and I’m not planning on breaking that streak in any type of way… but aside from that… no guarantees. I want a really good new book series that I’m madly in love with and passionately invested in. That would be pretty much ideal right now. What else? …. nothing. I’m out.