Behind the curtain

Yesterday was the show. It happened. It’s over. It wasn’t a monstrosity. The audience turnout was smaller than we hoped for, but it is what it is. The show itself was beautiful, and our live music elements went okay, even though we had some issues with the microphones. Quite a few people said we sounded just like our album, which is a pretty big compliment. The performers were all super on point, and talented, and beautiful, and amazing. There are tons of pictures going around on facebook and stuff and I’m in a lot of them and I just like can’t even deal with seeing that at all. It makes me feel so fucking gross and bad about myself to see. Like… I absolutely can’t deal with it at all, which makes me sad for a slew of reasons and yeah. whatever.

Anyway, it was such a chaotic day, from start to finish. We had two hours to set up the venue before the show started, and we basically had to do **everything**. The place used to be / sort of still is a bar, and we had to move out allllll the tables and arrange the seating in a way that everyone could see the show with enough performance space left open. We were hoping that the people at the venue would have done some of the setup, but they did not. Sadie, the person basically running the entire show totally lost her voice, and could **not** speak above a whisper at all. Anyway, I somehow became in charge of setting up all the seating, so i moved a ton of couches and chairs and shit, and told other people what to do, and had occasional whispered conferences with Sadie to make sure everything was okay. (My costume for the show was a random circus hand, and I felt like I was really getting into character by moving a ton of heavy shit.) We also had to put up the aerial fabrics, which involved a giant ladder and was pretty epic. Anyway, it sucked that we had to be responsible for all that stuff, and we didn’t really have enough time to properly set up our music equipment, which is why the microphones were kinda fucked up. But oh well.

My brother and I had a thermos full of honey tea, and a thermos full of whiskey so we could be slightly un-sober when we had to perform. We shared our whiskey with a couple of the darlings and some of our friends as well. Everyone was amused by it. I’m glad that so many people I know made it there.

It was pretty fun collaborating with all of these artists and performers, and just hanging out with them. The members of Clan Tynker were all awesome. Just really cool and really nice and really professional. They’re kind of a big deal, you can look them up online. One of the performers, Serendipity was so fucking amazing and ethereal. She did fire eating to one of the songs we sang live, and it was pretty rad. Anyway, I met her during rehearsal a few days ago and she seemed really nice and … fairly normal? But yesterday she was in costume and in character the whole time and she just blew my mind basically. She hardly talked at all. She asked me if I wanted her to help me move tables by pointing at a table and then flexing her muscles. “Um… sure, if you want to!” I said in return. During the pre-show she was walking around blowing bubbles and doing tricks like blowing bubbles inside bubbles. Then she would walk up to someone, blow a ton of bubbles, and grab one as they floated down. Then she’d open her hand and hand the person a tiny clear ball… like the bubble made solid. It was weirdly magical, and you felt so blessed and special when she gave you one. It was hard to describe. She like… transcended mere humanity. And then the show was over and she was human again, and we talked to her and hugged her and talked about being mutual fans of each other.

God, the whole night was just so much. So many people wanting to talk to me and hug me and it was sorta overwhelming. We gave away a bunch of copies of our album, and made about $120 in donations… which we split. That’s the first money I’ve ever actually seen from our music, lol. A few people wanted us to sign them, but we didn’t have a sharpie, because we are stupid and didn’t think of that. Someone found a shitty brown permanent marker and we ended up using that.

It was so weird being up on the stage and just… being. I basically opened the whole show with a somewhat dramatic introduction. I didn’t tell my parents I was going to be doing that and they were pretty surprised. yeah. It was weird watching the show take place from that perspective, you know? You probably don’t know. You almost certainly didn’t know. It was bizarre and lovely to see all this physical art taking place because of music we created, set to music we created.

At the end of the show Santiago (the ringmaster guy, one of the Tynkers) announced all of the performers, basically calling everyone out in groups to take a bow. He called us last, “the band” and we got the loudest applause of anyone. Roaring and cheering. I bowed and my brother did a well executed curtsy. (I showed him how to do it, we practiced in advance)

After the show was over, and we talked to a million people, and gave out CDs and buttons, and hugged and thanked a million people and accepted accolades from lots of people (A lady I had never met but my brother apparently knew: “My husband always says that he thinks the female voice on the album is beautiful, so he was really excited when you sat down by the piano” Me: *internally* holy shit. *externally* “Wow, thank you so much! I’m so glad you liked the show” *puts my hands together in a praying / begging gesture for some inexplicable reason* )and everyone left, and we packed up aaaallllll of our tons of equipment, and took the aerial fabrics back down, a few of us went over to the nob hill location of the brewery my brother is the head brewer for. (They were serving his beer during the show as well, and everyone was really liking it) Anyway, we all went there and he basically gave everyone free beer and food, which was rad. It was my family plus some of the darlings and their significant people, and a few miscellaneous others. It was really pretty fun and chill. I talked to a really cool *two ladies* couple, made them laugh a bunch of times.

Elija, one of the Tynkers came and joined us as well. He said he quit drinking a few years ago, but he had some of the kombucha that my brother made, and he hung out with us. During the pre-show he was juggling pins while zipping around on a “hoverboard” and I asked him questions about how long it took him to learn to ride that thing, etc. He was messing around with us and doing some simple magic tricks, he did some coin tricks and one of the coolest card tricks I’ve ever seen in my entire life. When it was past closing time my brother let all the other employees go home, and everyone hung out a little longer. Eventually he and I closed the place up and headed home. On the drive home we were pretty quiet. Neither of us quite knew what to say, quite knew how to process it all.

All day today I’ve felt…. so fucking weird, and kinda bad. Depressed I guess. I feel empty. This event has consumed nearly all my waking thoughts for the past month or more, and in a matter of hours it was all over. What should I do with my life now? I feel empty, like I’ve lost something. It was in all my thoughts and making me so nervous, but it was something. It was something different, something exciting. Something real and artistic, a collaboration with people I really like. And now it’s done, and I feel pretty lost. But, we met our parents for dinner a couple hours ago, to re-cap and re-hash and talk about life… and that made me feel a little bit better about everything. I’m granting myself an extra night of drinking, because I feel I’ve earned that wine. I’m going to try and relax, and just let myself be for the evening. Much love.

Image 1: the $61 I got from people who chose to donate something when they took an album. I had to spend it immediately, but I wanted a picture to remember that it existed, that it happened.

img_20160529_214308952.jpg

Image 2: Serendipity

serendipity 2

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