tuesday duesday

There’s a new batch of wedding guides up, and it’s a big one. Like…. it’s a pretty dang huge one. So that’s cool, but also sucks simultaneously. If I work hard at it and no monstrosities happen (*knocks on wood*) I should be able to easily make enough to cover all of my immediate expenses. But I’ve gotta work **really** hard at it. Wow, this client is paying like … *does the math* close to $90,000 to get all these guides written. So, that’s pretty nuts and pretty rad for me and my fellow freelancers. Also, have I mentioned that I’m really tired and also I feel sore and also I have a ton of other responsibilities I need to take care of, and a bunch of little things that are freaking me right the fuck out, and stuff of that nature! Yes! True facts about me!

I love Matson Jones. They are forever my Vancouver soundtrack. Riding on the second level of a double decker bus, on a long long silly day trip. Feeling free and good and loved and alive. Hearing these songs and thinking thoughts that made me squirm, in a good way. Being very glad that no one else could hear my thoughts. Sun glaring hot through the window, halfway eavesdropping on the conversation the people in the seat behind me were having in Spanish. They were both charmed to have found another Spanish speaker there. I was charmed by being alive, and taken aback by the beauty in every fucking molecule of the world.

…anyway…  I should definitely be getting back to work, but all I really want to do is eat my stupid spicy cup of noodles and read some webcomics and maybe watch stupid shit on youtube, or whatever. Writing stuff for money is crazy and weird. All the shit you read on all the websites you see was written by someone. A lot of it was written by some mad sad college grad(tm) like myself. If I told small style me that adult me was making money writing, I wonder how I’d feel about it. Haha, woops, that’s definitely not a road of thought I feel like going down. Touched some hot memory stove stuff just then. Whew! let’s just shake that off. Being an adult is pretty horrifying by the way, just saying. Anyway, yeah.

Nose piercing day 4 is going well. Ever day it feels a little more like a part of me. My parents still haven’t seen it, and they don’t even know about it. So that’s a thing. A thing I kinda just wanna get over with tbh. I dunno. Like jesus christ, I’m going to be 28 in a couple months I really shouldn’t be this concerned about what my parents are going to think about what I do with my face. -shrugs forever- Okay, I’m going to go now.

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piercing sound

Hey, so on Friday I got the mysterious thing I said I wanted to get for myself. It was a nose piercing. I’ve wanted one since I was like 18, but I’ve always been a little bitch about it and talked myself out of doing it for one reason or another. So, I set it as  my prize for a specific goal a couple months ago, and told myself that if I still wanted it when I achieved that goal, I would do it. And I did, so I did. The place where I had it done was really nice and chill and professional and fast. So far the piercing itself is doing really well. It’s still a little bit swollen and tender but it doesn’t hurt when I flare my nostrils anymore. Also, I adore it. I think it’s really cute and my nose is like my least favorite facial feature, but this makes me like it at least 20% more. “did it hurt?” yeah, it felt pretty much exactly how you’d imagine  having a needle shoved clean through your nostril would feel. But it was so fast, it hardly mattered. The pain was never the part I was worried about. That’s never what stopped me from getting it. There’s a bit of a (for lack of a better word) meditative quality to having a new piercing. You have to be constantly aware of it, and you have to be patient, and gentle, and diligent about taking care of it. You have to pay specific attention to a little piece of yourself you normally don’t pay any attention to. Anyway, overall I think it’s easier to care for than my ear cartilage piercings were. In other news, I bought two new pairs of jeans today. (and by new, I mean actually not new at all because I got them from a thrift store) I fucking hate clothes shopping *so bad* but like… I really had no freaking jeans. So, this store was having a half off sale so I was like… fuck it, let’s just get it over with. Last time I tried on jeans I was like between two sizes and nothing fit and it was fucking terrible and depressing. Today I tried on 6 pairs in the smaller size and *all of them* either fit me, or were slightly too big. It was beautiful, it was magical. It was not traumatizing at all. I got to pick the ones I wanted based on how they **actually looked** … not based on “oh good, one single pair that mostly fits me sort of okay. I will buy them.” Like… I had literal options. It was rad. The S.O ended up getting four shirts, and the total came out to like $17 for four shirts and two pairs of jeans, which is crazy cheap. I could use some new shirts too… but I wasn’t about to try and deal with that today. I’m hoping another batch of writing stuff will come in soon. I got an email today saying that it’s supposed to, but it hasn’t happened yet. Sooooo we’ll see I guess. I am the tired, sort of. I actually feel hella gripped with anxiety, in a formless, nebulous sort of way that sucks. yeah, okay, okay, yeah. I think I’m going to go now, and do some different types of things and stuff. Peace.

Wedding songs (playlist)

I haven’t made a playlist in forever, but doing a ton of writing always makes me want to make one. This little batch of wedding writing is about done, but I’m hoping there will be another one soon. I wrote a total of 38 guides this week, roughly 19,000 words. There are a handful more in the pool, and I could stay up and do them, but I’m so tired. I’m so so tired. So! here are some songs that made me twitch around and rock back and forth and feel slightly better while I was working. Don’t question it, it is what it is.

1. Three Days Grace – Painkiller (yeah yeah, I know I know. I really like the chorus. Suck it.)

2. Panic! at the disco – Don’t Threaten Me with a Good Time (stupid but fun)

3. Caravan Palace – Brotherswing (this song sounded so familiar and I thought I might have had it on an earlier playlist, but I totally didn’t. I was recognizing it from a Darlings show.)

4. Metric – Black Sheep (this is like the most famous metric song and I’ve only heard it a few times)

5. Cake Bake Betty – One By One (I love the lyrics for this song but can’t find a lyric vid)

6. Purity Ring – Saltkin (yeah, nice. nice, yeah)

put it in a backpack

So here I am again, writing to procrastinate writing my actual work. Man, I miss having really steady work and not having to cram as much as I can into as little time as I can. I’ve written 30 guides as of now, in less than a week. It’s a lot… but I wanted to do more. ~15,000 words. If I was doing nanowrimo and writing a novel that fast I would be right on fucking track. But that’s not how it is. Instead I just wrote 1/4 of a novel’s worth of words about fucking wedding venues. Oh, and a cool thing is happening right now on the facebook. {and by cool… I mean terrible… torturous} The video from my show is up on the youtubes, and everyone is sharing it around and I’m tagged in it a bunch of times… and the darlings used a screen shot from it, that has *me* in the background, as their current cover photo. I look like such a disgusting round potato lump… Like… It’s horrifying to see myself and horrifying to know tons of other people are seeing it. I can’t fucking believe that that’s what my body looks like all the time. It’s horrifying to see, truly horrifying. And like… that’s me **after** a significant fucking amount of weight loss. Like… Holy fucking shit, how is that even possible? How could I have ever been bigger than I looked in that fucking picture? … in that fucking video that I clicked and watched part of because I’m a fucking dumbass and I couldn’t just let it go. How is that even physically possible? I’m honestly genuinely deeply disturbed by these images of my physical body and I don’t know how the fuck to deal with that. Sooo…. I’m doing *great* overall, as you can see. I’m stressing myself out about a ton of other shit too, shit I can’t currently actually do anything about at this very moment… but that certainly won’t stop me from stressing about it. Meanwhile, it’s 4am. I’m at my parents house. My S.O is fast the fuck asleep and so are the dogs. I have a big hair clip clipped onto my bottom lip, because I like the way that the weight feels, and how the little tines digging gently but persistently into my skin feels. it’s peaceful and quiet and I don’t think I could sleep right now even if I wanted to, because I had coffee not too long ago. I need to get my shit together, like in a bunch of different ways I need to get my shit together.

late night sound byte

Should be working, should be doing more work, but I’m not. I’m totally not. I’m going to go the freak to bed instead, try to be more productive tomorrow. I don’t even know. These are so short and easy to write really, but my brain is just rebelling against it so freaking hard. Like… it won’t let me concentrate on them. Whatever. I’ll do more, I swear I will. Tomorrow the plan is that we’re going to my parents house and watching the dogs for a couple nights. I dunno if it will be easier or harder for me to concentrate there and actually do my work… but I do know that they have much better workspaces… like… actual tables and things I can use as desks, instead of sitting hunched in a ball for hours and hours and shifting positions all the time so my limbs stay awake. yeah. Right now my mind feels like it’s racing but at the same time I feel exhausted. I dunno what my deal is. My limbs are sore from a day of manual labor yesterday. But it was good, it felt so good. I like seeing things physically get accomplished, and I like moving my body, and I like doing heavy hard work until I’m truly tired, and my hands hurt and my muscles are sore and I can’t even think my anxiety thoughts. We started the work by demolishing what was left of the stump, from the day when we cut down that tree. My dad and brother were messing around with power tools and switching blades out on the grinder, and the whole time they were doing that I took the axe to the stump and swung and swung and swung. Each hit was accurate and deep and pieces came off. By the time they had the grinder ready I had taken it down by half. They were amused, they  called me a badass (they are right). I officially reached (and slightly surpassed) a significant body style goal. My halfway point. Like… it’s pretty dang significant, and I feel like it doesn’t look like as much as it is, but that might just be my self perception… I dunno. But I’ll tell you what, I feel better. I’m more comfortable, I have more energy and stamina, I’m stronger, I *fit* places. I sleep better, I can kick so high. I could kick my tall ass brother in the face. (I wouldn’t tho…) and it’s good, and I’m lowkey highly proud of myself but I’m trying to keep my emotions on lock so I can just…. keep going. Just keep going and stay strong and keep going. But yeah, it’s real. And if I can manage it I’d really like to bust out 3 extra articles, so I can have the money to buy myself the thing I said I would buy myself at this juncture. A present from brain to body, a peace offering and truce and truth. But we’ll see. We’ll see what I can do. Right now I’m going to do my best to sleep. And tomorrow, more body movement and more work. Maybe I’ll chop up some of the firewood on the side of my parents house while I’m there. Or… I dunno, something.

scratch

All in your control and maybe
maybe 600 will be enough
maybe 600 will help you sleep
it off
learn about stripes and strains
learn every goddamn thing
watch it ripen to pink and red
oh, oh see now it’s ready
maybe 900 will be enough
to help you sleep to even off
I think it’s time to stop my dove
I think you’d better let it rest
breathe and bathe
stir soil and grains
1,000 still won’t be enough
you like it true you like it rough
allow yourself this reprieve
take stock take heart
and breathe