late night sound byte

Should be working, should be doing more work, but I’m not. I’m totally not. I’m going to go the freak to bed instead, try to be more productive tomorrow. I don’t even know. These are so short and easy to write really, but my brain is just rebelling against it so freaking hard. Like… it won’t let me concentrate on them. Whatever. I’ll do more, I swear I will. Tomorrow the plan is that we’re going to my parents house and watching the dogs for a couple nights. I dunno if it will be easier or harder for me to concentrate there and actually do my work… but I do know that they have much better workspaces… like… actual tables and things I can use as desks, instead of sitting hunched in a ball for hours and hours and shifting positions all the time so my limbs stay awake. yeah. Right now my mind feels like it’s racing but at the same time I feel exhausted. I dunno what my deal is. My limbs are sore from a day of manual labor yesterday. But it was good, it felt so good. I like seeing things physically get accomplished, and I like moving my body, and I like doing heavy hard work until I’m truly tired, and my hands hurt and my muscles are sore and I can’t even think my anxiety thoughts. We started the work by demolishing what was left of the stump, from the day when we cut down that tree. My dad and brother were messing around with power tools and switching blades out on the grinder, and the whole time they were doing that I took the axe to the stump and swung and swung and swung. Each hit was accurate and deep and pieces came off. By the time they had the grinder ready I had taken it down by half. They were amused, they  called me a badass (they are right). I officially reached (and slightly surpassed) a significant body style goal. My halfway point. Like… it’s pretty dang significant, and I feel like it doesn’t look like as much as it is, but that might just be my self perception… I dunno. But I’ll tell you what, I feel better. I’m more comfortable, I have more energy and stamina, I’m stronger, I *fit* places. I sleep better, I can kick so high. I could kick my tall ass brother in the face. (I wouldn’t tho…) and it’s good, and I’m lowkey highly proud of myself but I’m trying to keep my emotions on lock so I can just…. keep going. Just keep going and stay strong and keep going. But yeah, it’s real. And if I can manage it I’d really like to bust out 3 extra articles, so I can have the money to buy myself the thing I said I would buy myself at this juncture. A present from brain to body, a peace offering and truce and truth. But we’ll see. We’ll see what I can do. Right now I’m going to do my best to sleep. And tomorrow, more body movement and more work. Maybe I’ll chop up some of the firewood on the side of my parents house while I’m there. Or… I dunno, something.


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