put it in a backpack

So here I am again, writing to procrastinate writing my actual work. Man, I miss having really steady work and not having to cram as much as I can into as little time as I can. I’ve written 30 guides as of now, in less than a week. It’s a lot… but I wanted to do more. ~15,000 words. If I was doing nanowrimo and writing a novel that fast I would be right on fucking track. But that’s not how it is. Instead I just wrote 1/4 of a novel’s worth of words about fucking wedding venues. Oh, and a cool thing is happening right now on the facebook. {and by cool… I mean terrible… torturous} The video from my show is up on the youtubes, and everyone is sharing it around and I’m tagged in it a bunch of times… and the darlings used a screen shot from it, that has *me* in the background, as their current cover photo. I look like such a disgusting round potato lump… Like… It’s horrifying to see myself and horrifying to know tons of other people are seeing it. I can’t fucking believe that that’s what my body looks like all the time. It’s horrifying to see, truly horrifying. And like… that’s me **after** a significant fucking amount of weight loss. Like… Holy fucking shit, how is that even possible? How could I have ever been bigger than I looked in that fucking picture? … in that fucking video that I clicked and watched part of because I’m a fucking dumbass and I couldn’t just let it go. How is that even physically possible? I’m honestly genuinely deeply disturbed by these images of my physical body and I don’t know how the fuck to deal with that. Sooo…. I’m doing *great* overall, as you can see. I’m stressing myself out about a ton of other shit too, shit I can’t currently actually do anything about at this very moment… but that certainly won’t stop me from stressing about it. Meanwhile, it’s 4am. I’m at my parents house. My S.O is fast the fuck asleep and so are the dogs. I have a big hair clip clipped onto my bottom lip, because I like the way that the weight feels, and how the little tines digging gently but persistently into my skin feels. it’s peaceful and quiet and I don’t think I could sleep right now even if I wanted to, because I had coffee not too long ago. I need to get my shit together, like in a bunch of different ways I need to get my shit together.


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