Blue

Fuck the asks
Just ride just ride
Away and on far
The taste was on par
With something you had
In a dream
The flavor of soft voice hope
or cucumber cream ale
Olfactory insanity
roses on a vanity
We taste the drops
In mood and quality
But shore it up with valor

home

I woke up this morning to my mom texting me about going to see a set of houses on Tuesday, and I just started crying, I didn’t even know why. It was just all too much. After the night before and too little sleep and so many different anxieties eating at me in small and not so small bites all too damn much and also a tiny sliver of hope and light. I sat on the edge of the bed just crying silently for like an hour, texting my mom my true feelings and my real fears about my unstable income, and fucking it up, and how it would be a lot less easy to deal with if everything fell apart. I couldn’t just move back home, that absolutely last ditch back up safety net I always know I have  would basically not exist… or at least not exist in that same way. And she said she believed in me, and that I should remember her life motto (which is “don’t be a life pansy”). So… on Tuesday we’re going to look at it. We’re going with a realtor to see a bizarre set of 2 houses on the same lot. My brother and I could each live in one, with our significant persons. And we could split the mortgage and each have a small private yard and it just might be doable. I texted him too, asking if he would really want to do it, and he said yeah. I asked him which one of the houses he would want and he said he liked the back one, but would be cool with either. (I like the front one, but would be cool with either.) And dude… I feel stupid even talking about it it’s such an incredibly long shot. Like…… it’s soooooooo fucking long. I feel really stupid even allowing myself to have any type of emotions about it it’s such an incredibly long shot. Like……it’s soooooooo fucking long. But my tiny heart spark burns and beats and wants and hopes, despite my best efforts to be a robot.

Self charm

These days all blend together
into a puree of yes and no
drug yourself to sleep with pills
drug yourself awake with caffeine
Self care under cold water
washing it all off
mine own self,
be true
resist the pull
of your dark mind
take nothing to your skin
no sharps or shards
no pins or palms
It is not for you to choose
matters into hands
and quickly out of hand
you know it
Breathe slow bite lip instead
let morning you live
In peace and not regret

final countdown (for nowntdown)

Last day of this round. I want to feel happy and excited to finish it but I just feel sorta empty and sorta scared and very exhausted. My neck is still killing me. Like… really, a lot. I still barely slept last night. It’s been a long while since 8 hours happened. whatever. Expect the worst, hope for the best. I’ll either be right or pleasantly surprised. These last 5 are gunna be extra hard to write, because they are bottom of the barrel style. Whatever. Let’s go.

(5)wrote this one backward, that made it slightly less terrible somehow. Probably going to do the next one that way too.

(4) Another backward one, done. Also My S.O just went out to run errands for me and bring me food. Also  I just spontaneously started crying, so that’s cool.

(3) finished. More than halfway through. I just got accepted for a new assignment, I didn’t even have to do a trial for it the client just asked if I wanted to do it because they are familiar with my work. It’s just a small thing, but it’s a thing. It’s already loaded. I’m not even gunna look at it today.

(2) done. only one more to go. I’m feelin” helllllllla ravaged in an ot fun at all even a little bit type of way. Like… super uncool style. And I’m planning on going to the gym when I’m done with this, so that’s a thing.

(1) and done. 136 total wedding guides written for this round. That’s so fucking many, and yet it doesn’t feel like enough. Okay, okay, I’m done. It’s done. I’m done. Peace.

workness grossness

Let’s try this again. More writing. 8 more to go before I can go to sleep. I have plans relatively early tomorrow so it would be cool if I didn’t have to stay up until like 6am finishing this work. I **will** fucking finish it tho. It’s time. I’ve gotta.

**********************the next day******************

  • Finished everything. Went to bed at a halfway decent time, still couldn’t sleep for shit. Got maayyybe 4 hrs sleep.
  • Went to a cat cafe. Pet a lot of cats. Looked at some houses that I can’t really have. Ate at pita pit. Took a nap.
  • Now I’m back with 10 more in my queue. Down to 150 in the pool like I predicted. Gunna go fast. I gotta finish all these and grab more. Tunnel light in sight. We’ll see.
  • Also, my neck is killing me …. possibly from sleeping weird, possibly from being hunched over this laptop for a ThOuSaNd HoUrS.
  • I’m tired and I’ve written 4 guides and I’m hungry and everything feels gross and bad
  • 5 done. I feel like crying, what the hell is wrong with me? It’s all too much and I’m so tired, tired, tired of this. I’m sorry brain, just a little longer, just a few more.
  • 6 done, everything hurts and I feel terrible and this is terrible.
  • TiMe FoR eNeRgY GuM
  • 7 done. Nobody knows it but me, when I slip, when I slip I’m still an animal
  • I can tell how little I slept because of how irritable I am and how much these pandora commercials are making me want to go into a fit of unbridled rage.
  • 8 done. Fuck this and fuck that and fuck country clubs most of all. I am an invincible, unstoppable caffeine chewing, bullshit spewing MACHINE. Coming in for a landing motherfuckers.
  • 9 done. Trying not to think too much. Hahahahah. I feel traumatized. Trying not to think too much.
  • fuckstopfuckingthinkingnkingyou’rebreakingyourownheartjustfuckingstopwhatisyourfuckingproblemjuststopthinkingjuststopjuststoppleasejuststopfuckshutupshutupstopthinkingstopstopshhhhhstopfuckstop
  • This is the worst, seriously. I’m too tired and I’m soooo drained from doing this for basically every waking moment for days and weeks????? I’m DREAMING about ballroom sizes it’s so terrible I feel so mentally mangled and not like myself and just fucked. fucked. fucked. Just so tired and weak and it’s still not even enough. It’s not even enough it’s not enough *internal screaming*
  • 10 done, sweet!

 

Tyred

It’s so heavy on the heart
So heavy on the full eyed soul
How can I keep it all up?
Fire keeps hot air balloons up
So maybe I should light
alight upon a window sill
With gentle wisps and gone
onto the next tire fire of a day
One that won’t stop burning
Or biting in
With teeth and spurs
With crops and kicks
Until the true sleep stirs
stirs up batches of dreams
all sweet and real and frightening

8

Taking one after another all
Down
And smothering the voice
That says it’s not enough
How can you live
In the moment
When time just goes and goes
It’s not the moment anymore
It’s future me’s time to pay
For past me’s lies and leisure
Or… Whatever
Just shove my hand down
My throat all
Choked up
About song lyrics
I feel I could have written
But I’m a novel’s length in
To a slow run nightmare
Instead
Muscles disobeying I
Feel the monster’s breath
Cloud against my back
It’s future me’s time to pay
For past me’s pride and pleasure
Or… Whatever

sanity window

(5)This is for me. For me to write and live in this little block of white and nothing and whatever. Feeling worn and sick and strange and wanting and weak. Hoping coffee will help. Five wedding guides and $100 stand between me and a hopefully relaxing evening. Now is the time.

(4)Finding my stride quickly and easily. Say the same words in a hundred different ways and it’s easy. It’s nothing it’s meaningless it’s a bag of crisps that’s 94.3% air. This coffee has an aftertaste that tastes like celery to me. Shouldn’t have gotten the organic one. Whatever. oh well. Caffeinated celery bean water what the flip ever.

(3)That one I just finished was for a zoo, which are always kinda fun because it’s at least a little different. Coffee is working even though it’s celery-tastic. Haha, I’m so fucking weak, all the songs that are playing on pandora are almost making me cry. I blame hormones. It’s ridiculous.

(2)Over halfway there. Going fast and going faster. Fingers and brain you all know what to do by now. I’m going to be at 86 total by the end of this day. Good. yes. good. I should shoot for more than 5 tomorrow, I really should.

(1)Hunger is starting to eat at me. hahaha. haha ha. Nice one brain. But really body, you’ve got plenty to burn in there, have at it. Where was I? Oh, right. One more guide to write. It’s about a lighthouse or something? I don’t even know, nor do I care. Soon it will be done and I will be done.

(0) I wrote them all and I’m done and I’m exhausted. I should probably go through and queue up some more for tomorrow, but I dunno if I have it in me really. I’m feeling so drained and strange. But that’s okay. I’m done writing and I made $100 in like four hours and that’s  not bad at all so I’m going to try my very best to let myself stop thinking so goddamn much about everything for a little while. Peace. Love.

 

GO

Yesterday was fun and good and I took a break from doing any work basically. I went to Rio to see my parents and my brother met me there and we were all there just hanging out and stuff. My parents have been saying that they keep seeing a ton of people out playing pokemon GO on their nightly walks through the park. I told them I had it (and that I’d only played it for about 5 minutes) and they were like… sooo excited and curious to see what it was like, so when it was cool enough we all went up to the park and I caught a bunch of pokemon and there was a lure there and they were so freakin’ amused, it was hilarious. I let them all hold my phone and try and catch stuff and then my dad wanted to drive around the neighborhood all slow and see if there were more and of course there were. I kept telling him to stop the car and catching stuff and at one point I had to jump out of the car and run back to get a Ponyta, and my mom came with me and everyone was so amused and it was hilarious. Like… I dunno. I just think it’s so nice. It’s something with a  fun and positive intention that a ton of people are doing and it’s bringing people together and that just ???? makes my jaded little heart feel good… I dunno. Anyway, that was the most I ever **actually** played it. I’m not even level 5 yet. But then I came home, and drank wine instead of doing any work, and I was having cramps and everything sucked… and then at like 2am I looked at my S.O and was like “let’s go on a pokewalk” and they were like “okay!” so we did, we went to like 4 different pokestops and caught some shit and **ran** around all drunk and stupid and it was beautiful and good and fun, and that’s what I wrote that last tiny poem about… literal running that happened because I was playing a dumbass game. But for reals? haha, I can run so much easier and faster and farther than I used to be able to. I haven’t tried it in a while and it’s …….. really nice. REALLY NICE. I want more. I hella need to go do my work now tho, okay? yeah. yeah. okay. Peace.