I woke up this morning to my mom texting me about going to see a set of houses on Tuesday, and I just started crying, I didn’t even know why. It was just all too much. After the night before and too little sleep and so many different anxieties eating at me in small and not so small bites all too damn much and also a tiny sliver of hope and light. I sat on the edge of the bed just crying silently for like an hour, texting my mom my true feelings and my real fears about my unstable income, and fucking it up, and how it would be a lot less easy to deal with if everything fell apart. I couldn’t just move back home, that absolutely last ditch back up safety net I always know I have  would basically not exist… or at least not exist in that same way. And she said she believed in me, and that I should remember her life motto (which is “don’t be a life pansy”). So… on Tuesday we’re going to look at it. We’re going with a realtor to see a bizarre set of 2 houses on the same lot. My brother and I could each live in one, with our significant persons. And we could split the mortgage and each have a small private yard and it just might be doable. I texted him too, asking if he would really want to do it, and he said yeah. I asked him which one of the houses he would want and he said he liked the back one, but would be cool with either. (I like the front one, but would be cool with either.) And dude… I feel stupid even talking about it it’s such an incredibly long shot. Like…… it’s soooooooo fucking long. I feel really stupid even allowing myself to have any type of emotions about it it’s such an incredibly long shot. Like……it’s soooooooo fucking long. But my tiny heart spark burns and beats and wants and hopes, despite my best efforts to be a robot.


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