A thousand things are running through my mind right now, and I’m also exhausted. I need to make money, I need stability and I need money. I think of projects and long shots when what I should probably do is get a real job. Last month I made 2 grand and it was awesome and this month I’ve made nothing. That’s not a sustainable lifestyle, and I know it. I just don’t know what I’m doing and what the hell would I even do? So instead I work on long shot projects and think about how cool it would be if one of them turned fruitful. Speaking of shit like that I should make an etsy account… like… right now. *does it* Dude, I feel so exhausted right now. I did a *lot* of physical activity today, which felt really good but I’m definitely tired. I went to the gym, and did Cardio Roundabout(tm) which is where I do four different cardio things for five minutes each, and switch between them really quickly before my heart rate has a chance to slow down. I actually did the treadmill twice, alternating between walking and jogging. Running feels good to me now, which is fucking awesome. I also did some weight machines, yeah. Anyway, after that I rode my bike to the store, and then rode all around. I really like riding my bike, it’s efficient and nice and fun. I feel oddly… free? when I arrive at the store with nothing but my bike and my backpack. Also, it’s sorta fun / challenging to shop knowing that I can only get as much stuff as will fit into my backpack. So yeah, a few minutes after I got back from my ride my brother asked me if I wanted to go for a walk with him and his dog and I said sure and did that. I wish I had a really good sports bra, or that a really good sports bra for boobz this size existed and didn’t cost like $200. Buuuuut whateva. Not gunna worry about that right now. I’m working on a (sort of) creative writing project. It’s weird and it feels so fucking silly, honestly. I feel incredibly silly while I’m writing it, like who the fuck do I think I am? Who the fuck do I think I’m kidding with this shit? I dunno, I just feel ridiculous… but at the same time it’s like… I literally have the entire plot laid out, and it’s exactly what it needs to be for what it is, and that never fucking happens, I never manage to do that. Soooo apparently I’m going for it. We’ll see what happens. I’m so rusty at writing this type of thing. Like… I’m having a hard time just describing things in a convincing way. I’m writing a little fight scene right now, like a tiny physical altercation and it’s … hard??? for me??? I miss working on music stuff. I would like to do some of that soon. Make a new song. I think Michael would like that too. Let’s see… what else is happening? I dunno. Lots of shit. Lots of shit I’m really stressed about. Mainly money related stuff. Everything is expensive, and pressing, and scary. But hey, it just started raining. And hey, maybe I can start selling my dirty panties on the internet! And hey, maybe my custom made jewelry featuring real shed snake skin will totally take off on Etsy. And hey, maybe my mom found a true historical treasure buried in an old suitcase. And hey, maybe I’ll eek out a living writing quick and dirty romance novels Harlequin style. Shit, it’s suddenly almost 4am. I should go the fuck to sleep. My sleep schedule has been pretty ridiculous lately, and I’d like to do something about that as well in the near future? possibly?? maybe?? whatever. My body feels lithe and alive and sore and tired, so hopefully my mind will be cool and let me sleep. Peace.
Taos was beautiful and nice. It was just nice to be out of the city, somewhere quiet and chill and a little bit isolated. I love driving through the little town. I love the general vibe it all has. Honestly I would have been happy to stay for like a week. We went swimming both nights we were there, late at night after the pool was “closed”. A combination of messing around and making up weird games with each other and actually trying to get some exercise in. The outside air was so cold, I felt foolish and lighthearted and alive as we made our way down to the pool in our swimwear. All goosebumps and “oh man, this is probably a bad idea” before throwing myself in before I could even hesitate. And it wasn’t bad at all. A rush a shock and then not bad at all. The stars and moon, bats swooping low overhead to grab a drink or a bug I suppose. Kick boards and noodles and us. “I’m going to get in the hot tub for a minute, and then jump back in the pool and it’ll be freezing” I said. “Okay, go for it, because you enjoy suffering.” I laughed, and submerged myself in the hot water. As I jumped back into the pool I yelled “I LOVE SUFFERING!” but it’s not suffering really, it’s sensation. I enjoy experiencing a wide variety of sensations. A variety so wide it includes things like the breath stealing shock of cold water. Both nights after swimming we made our way back to the small, lushly appointed sanctuary of the condo. We sat at the little bar and ate and talked and drank alcohol while watching stupid stuff on TV. There wasn’t really any internet connection, so we just watched cable, and the olympics. I got my S.O into watching the olympics with me this time around, so that was pretty fun. Sitting at that bar, eating dolmas and sandwiches respectively, middling drunk, getting really really invested in the women’s beach volleyball game. (USA lost, but then won the bronze metal match. It was very dramatic.) The first day we ate at a lovely local Mexican restaurant (Orlando’s) and then went shopping, and that was basically it until swimming. The second day we were there, before swimming and night happened, we just walked around the plaza, and the park, and the graveyard. I took over the only pokemon gym in town. We listened to a little live music while observing the locals and it was all lovely. Everything was lovely. We ordered pizza from an amazing little place. (Taos pizza outback, 10/10) and picked it up on the way back. It was just… such a good, relaxing experience, and I feel like we both needed it. yeah. Anyway, I just ordered a few things on Amazon, using my birthday gift card. I got some jewelry making supplies, and a few other small things that could possibly be fun, in theory. I was going to try and get some jewelry for my nose piercing but I didn’t find anything that I absolutely loved. Soooo yeah. *shrugs* I still have a little money left on the card, so I can maybe get something still. *shrugs more* Piercings also fall into the category of sensations I enjoy experiencing. Not just the feeling of the needle doing it’s work, but the sensation of it suddenly being there, and the (not easy) task of caring for it. I dunno. yeah. whatever. I’m gunna be done writing this for now. Tomorrow I have to do a lot of stuff, and I can’t forget to get my stupid jury duty thing sent in. Okay, bye.
I’ve just spent the last like… 2 hours looking up online masters programs I could do without taking the GRE… and also that I could get financial aid for. There’s a lot of stuff really, but I don’t know if any of it is practical, or if it would even be a good idea, like if I could even ever use it to get a better job, you know? I dunno. Like I’m naturally drawn to shit that I know is not lucrative, like “library and information science” Like… why? Whatever.I dunno. It’s something to think about I guess. I also looked into what i would need to do to be a fire fighter, out of curiosity… since that was one of my childhood career ideas, and I still secretly think it could be cool. There is a lot involved, including an EMT certification I wouldn’t be able to get any financial help with. Also physical exams and drug tests and shit. Looking at all of it has made me feel pretty restless tbh… so I’m gunna cut it out for right now.
We’re going on a very smol trip tomorrow, just a couple hours out of town, for a couple nights. I’m looking forward to it, just because it’s something different. Also, there is a swimming pool there, and I haven’t gone swimming in a million zillion years (last time I went swimming was in Martha’s vineyard I think?? … In the literal ocean??) and it sounds fun and good to me. Hopefully it won’t be too cold, but I’ll probably go for it anyway even if it’s hella cold. I kinda wanna get all my stuff packed up tonight so I don’t have to worry about it tomorrow, but that’s probably not necessary. I’m glad this is happening tho, I could really use a change of scenery and just… something new to do for a couple days. Maybe I’ll be able to take a tiny vacation from my brain that will NEVER SHUT UP… buuut that’s probably a long shot. yeah. okay. okay. yeah.
Let’s see… what else? I dunno really. I’ve been listening to the “Alice isn’t Dead” podcast the past few days and I really like it a lot. I’m actually on the next to last episode now. It’s hard for me to concentrate on just one thing at a time, like *just listening* to something isn’t enough stimulation for me, so I have to do something else at the same time … but I like it. It’s given me a couple genuinely creeped out feelings, which is a super high rating for me for anything horror related. We’ve been watching the olympics for the last few days as well, which I like. I stole my brother’s TV antenna and I should give it back to him before he gets back home haha.
I need to do more work on this writing project I started / said I would do. I seriously have it almost entirely plotted out, it’s just a matter of actually fucking writing it at this point. Making it long enough, making it… all the things it needs to be. yeah. We’ll fucking see how that goes. ha. yeah. okay. yeah. I think I can do it I just need to actually do it.
I should do some of it right now really, probably. Or I could try to get to sleep a little earlier for once in my fucking life. -shrugs a lot- we’ll see. Either way, I’m done writing this for now. I’m taking my laptop with me, so maybe something good and/or creative will happen while I’m there. For now, I’m out. Peace.
Swallow your old style
And cough up your new
All covered in gold glitter
It’s getting everywhere
And you’re hyper aware
Of every glinting spec
But instead of squirming guilt
About this spreading mess
I’d rather you
Over the lights and lust
And license plates
That anchor us
In time and space
It’s my last 20 minutes as a 27 year old.And how should I spend it? My base mind keeps crying out “drunk, that’s how!” but that would also mean spending it breaking a promise I made to myself, so that’s not going to happen. No. Instead, I’ve consumed my last calories as a 27 year old, and I will fast until tomorrow afternoon. yes. good. I might spend my first couple hours as a 28 year old sewing some extended pockets on my pants, or like… whatever, I guess. I don’t even know why I’m writing this, honestly. I just feel the need to mark it as something? I’m seriously so deeply terrified of time, I don’t even know how to deal with it. But, here we are. Much love.
it won’t make you better just
Keep your own word
Have seen enough today
You’ve been enough today
Is already licking your heels at
Cool air and breeze streams
For glow leaves and Halloween
Cats and bats and silken skies
Crowd around to terrorize
Secret heart you keep up close
Spits and sputters all morose
Until it kisses kindling
Forges it’s own beginning
Sometimes tragedies happen, and you feel sad and sick and guilty, but you still have to live and breathe and continue your life.
Sometimes your birthday is on Sunday, and you’re going to turn 28. You are so afraid of time, and you beg it to slow but you know it won’t.
Sometimes, instead of feeling like celebrating, drinking, indulging your vices, your birthday just makes you want to ride farther, write faster, sweat more, consume less, take greater risks.
Sometimes your little brother asks you if you want to go to the laundromat with him. He has a ton of quarters and says it’s on him. So you go, you stand all under a cool vent, and you put a lure at the pokestop and you laugh and hang out while all around you everything spins and spins.
Sometimes you get your parking spot back, you get to correct a tiny wrong.
Sometimes it rains and the desert drinks it all right up.