Hey, so it’s 1:30 in the morning, and I’m deeply exhausted in a soul style manner, but I need to buckle the fuck down and keep working, keep writing. I have no idea what is going to happen with anything, but I do know that I really really really need to do as much work as I possibly can as fast as I possibly can. That’s what I know. That’s the true style truth about my life right now. I’m soooo tired, but I really have to keep going. I’ve got a whole pot of coffee and my battery on this thing lasts a really long time, so basically what I’m saying is it’s time to get back to work.
2:30am: time to drink coffee. Earlier when I tried to submit a guide that I wrote the little copyscape thing popped up and was all “hey, this chunk of text exists in other places on the internet, did you plagiarize it? And I looked at the other places it was referring to and it was literally four other guides that I had written that the wedding website I’m writing all of these for had published. lol. I plagiarized it from past me apparently. Time to change up my phrasing a bit I suppose.
2:32am: coffee is finished and work time is now.
2:41am: skeleton rocking chair
12:21pm: finished 10 guides, went to bed at 7:30am. Got less than 4 hours sleep. Now I’m here again. working again. The venue i’m doing rn is a hotel in the CA wine valley called “wine & roses”. probably gunna name this entry that and be super misleading.
2:29pm: I’m going so fucking slow, because of how exhausted I am. My brain is really not working well at all at all and I feel extremely fucking irritated by everything. Like… literally everything is pissing me right the fuck off at the moment. I don’t know how to deal with anything
3:47pm: The S.O has delivered me a green tea frappuccino and my irritation level has decreased by approximaely 17%.
5:52pm: God, I wish I could take a fucking nap or something. Honestly, I might need to because I really don’t know how much longer my brain is going to continue functioning here. It’s feeling so slow and pathetic. Like… for realsies.
2:41am (the next day): Rockstar is the best energy drink, FIGHT ME. (Actually that’s a lie, I like Red Bull better but it’s so expensive I never get it) I have 6 more things to write before I can go to sleep… so that’s like… 3 hours of work at least. Fun times.
4:15am: four more to go. Getting distracted, need to zone back in and finish it off. My poor brain. Oh, my poor brain.
4:41am: three to go. The pool is dwindling and I’m getting paranoid about everything and also getting generally freaked out about my life, so that’s fun.
5:15am: Two to go. Going and going and go.
5:58am: Last one, almost done. I really hope that the client doesn’t get pissed at me for hoarding 10 more in my queue overnight, and/or make me take them out, because that would really suck. But, I am so exhausted, and no matter what I can really only do one more tonight… so I’m going to try my best to not worry about it too much. I just took a benadryl because I’ve had so much caffeine today and I really want to be able to **actually** sleep at least for a few hours, before I have to wake up and keep doing this more. **insert general sounds of agony here**
6:45am: done, 10 more in my queue that I really hope I actually get to keep and write. I need to get some sleep now, and hopefully pass out as soon as possible to make the most of my limited zzzzz time. I’ll pick this ridiculous entry up when I wake up probably.
9:08pm: 4 more to write and this batch is done. I forgot about this entry basically all day. I’ve already done 6 today and I’m so close to done but also so exhausted and just feeling really out of it. I should start cooking dinner some time in the relatively near future, but mostly I should just keep writing until this is finally fucking done and I can breathe for like two seconds and not look at this fucking screen for two seconds.
9:44pm: Fucking hyped up on caffeine but still having such a hard time concentrating. 3 more to go. that’s one tenth of the total number I’ve had in 3 days. Just 3 more. Just 3 more and I can chill the fuck out, and drink an alcohol, and not write anything else tonight. Three more. Three more. Three more.
10:28pm: Two to go. Sort of started cooking dinner. I’m so wired and tired and fucked up feeling. I haven’t exercised in like 3 days it’s way too fucking long I feel gross and bad. Tomorrow, for sure, that’s happening. I’m going to make spaghetti squash with spicy af red sauce for dinner by the way. It’s gunna be delicious and I’m so annoyed with everything right now I just want to punch things in the face forever until it’s all pulp.
10:57pm: last fucking one. I’m so ready to be done with this, you don’t even know. (or… if you managed to actually read all this garbage, you probably do know I guess.) I am soooo over it. Soooo ready to take a fucking shower and be CLEAN and DONE and take a break. Possibly even allow myself to sleep for 8 full hours tonight??? how flippin’ sweet would that be? Okay. Let’s FINISH THIS.
I’m feeling really overwhelmed, and when I feel that way my first instinct is to procrastinate, which is fucking stupid as fuck and doesn’t help at all and just makes me feel worse ultimately. -deep breaths- (my second instinct is to eat … which is fucked up for different reasons, so there’s that) I feel like I’m slogging through a soup of depression. mmmm… souuuup…. Listening to these same six songs over and over again, my own little headspace recreation. “I need a new profession” I say to my dad on the phone, as I ride my bike around the school that didn’t let me into their grad school program. “heh. yeah, we all do.” he said. I used to want to be famous, want to have my name known for something. Silly small time me. Now all I want is to make enough money to be reasonably comfortable. Now all I want is a little house that’s actually mine, with a little yard, in a semi-nice area. Fuck I feel super depressed right now. I should be working. I should be fucking working. I have a new project on a new platform. I’ve done something similar before, but not quite the same. I’m having a hard time getting into the groove of it. Also, I hate the new platform a lot. But…. yeah. I need to do as many as humanly possible in the next few days. If I can get at least 22 of the long form ones or 30 of the short form ones or a mix of both finished and edited by next Tuesday, I might be okay. I might be okay. I might be okay. I might be okay. I don’t even know if there will be that many available, this new platform only shows five of them at a time and it doesn’t have a total number anywhere that I can see… so I have no idea. They could be all gone by the time I wake up tomorrow for all I know, and then I wouldn’t be okay. I wouldn’t be okay. I wouldn’t be okay. I’m so sick to death of the un-reliability of this. Gambling and hoping I’ll have what it takes to make it through each month. It’s so stressful. What the fuck should I do instead? What the fuck should I do? hahaha I feel so fucking horrible right now holy shit. I’ve even fucking stagnated in my weight loss goals. Like a whole month or more with no change. That’s so unacceptable. I can feel my control starting to slip and I really really really need to get that shit locked down. I know that’s part of the reason I’m feeling so depressed (which makes me want to eat stuff… so… you can see the problem…) I’ve done so good but I still have so much farther to go and I can’t lose traction. God, I just… I can’t go back to living like that. Why is my body like this? Why is my brain like this? Okay…. so… this has been fun. Also, sorry. Also, I’m going to try and get back to work now. I have no idea if I’m doing this shit right at all, but I guess we’ll see.
So, I got to go see Coheed and Cambria today. One of my teenage style faves, still like them (obviously lol) I sort of forgot that it was today, and then I decided I wanted to go like… super last minute. Then I almost didn’t get to go because I only have $14 in my bank account, and the tickets were $30 cash only. But my S.O figured out a way to make it happen for me, which was really super awesome. Concerts are good for my heart soul. My spirit guts. It was a really good show, they played some songs I didn’t really recognize, but they also played a lot of my faves. I just… love the atmosphere of such an event. The chaos, the camaraderie, all of the body language talking and reading that everyone is doing without even really being aware of it. I threw myself into the middle of it. The pit grew and shrank like a breathing beast, and I just flowed with it. Sometimes right in the middle, strangers bodies all slamming into me and the ring pushing us back into the middle, back into each other. Sometimes on the edge, doing the pushing. Always picking people up if they fall. Always screaming and clapping and giving high fives. I took a few pictures but I always try not to have my phone out for more than a few seconds. (I mainly took pics during songs I wasn’t super into.)
Claudio (that’s the lead singer’s name) totally fucking shredded on that two neck guitar for a couple songs, which was impressive. Also, his hair was impressive. His voice has that same strange and unique quality that makes their music stand out. I wasn’t sure if it would be as pronounced live, but it was. (Actually, honestly, I think I might have seen them live once before??? But I don’t remember for sure???? I used to go to a **lot** of concerts and they all kinda blend together in my memory. Sooo since I don’t remember for sure I’m just going to say this was my first time seeing them live.) So, yeah. My feet got stepped on a million times, I’m for sure going to have a bruise on one of my shins, and both of my arms feel suuuuuper fucking tender. I imagine I’ll find other sore spots tomorrow. (maybe I should drink an aspirin) And that’s definitely partially the point for me. It’s… good. It’s unique. I don’t even register pain in the moment, it’s all just adrenaline and keeping my balance and protecting my face. It’s alive and it’s happening and I’m alive.
I’m doing a *flash in the pan* set of wedding venue guides today. Like… 10 in 10 hours, the pool is already empty and done and I have one more in my queue and then that’s it. They went sooo fast, faster than I’ve ever seen them go I think. It was pretty crazy, but I will have made $200 in one day which is not too bad. Still, I need way more so I hope more things happen soon. (please, more things… I need you to happen soon…) Anyway, yeah. whatever. I went to a literal wedding (pre)ception yesterday, and it was mostly boring and basically nothing and whatever, but I still have some feelings about it I guess?? That are weird and I’m not going to try to analyze them or address them at all really because it doesn’t matter and isn’t important at all and it’s fleeting and unnecessary and yeah. It’s mostly just making me feel slightly more grossed out about writing these guides than I usually do… which is sorta saying something?? but damn, it’s good money. I need more of them and I need them very very soon. Like… tomorrow soon. Like… right now soon. -deep breaths- okay, yeah. Like I said, I only have one left in my queue (in my q. fuck those extra super unnecessary four letters.) So I’m going to just … finish that shit real quick and then be done. This is the first **actual work** I’ve done on this netbook, and it’s worked perfectly, fast and accurate, absolutely no complaints. The keyboard is responsive and easy to use and I’ve already gotten used to all the little differences between this and my old laptop. (two fingers = right click) I love how lightweight this thing is, it’s basically just a giant smartphone with a keyboard. My literal phone has four times as much storage space actually… which is fucking nuts. But like I’ve said, it’s basically perfect for what I use it for, which is pretty much 80% typing, 10% web surfing, 10% netflix watching. And it cost $107 which is amazing and yeah I would highly highly recommend it for people who just need something light and functional. I dunno why I was so hung up on having storage space before. Like.. for what?? Right. Okay. I’ve procrastinated long enough, it’s time for me to go finish my work. Peace.
Whoops, it’s late again, and I’m listening to music again, and I feel sorta like crying again. Whoops. I should be doing a number of productive things right now, but I’m over it for the night. I might toy with my personal writing a bit still I guess, but I should really go to sleep soon. I have to report for jury duty tomorrow. I have literally no idea what it’s going to be like at all??? in any type of sense?? But I bet it’s going to be hella boring, and I’m not allowed to bring my cell phone in… so extra boring. I’m supposed to be there at 2pm, so I’m assuming / hoping that they’ll let us go by 5 at least?? I really have no idea tho. Man, I really really want to write a new song. I’m not exactly feeling inspired to write one, but I really want to. Something different and wild and true. I dunno. I want to be so strong and run so far. I want to be able to drag heavy things and throw devastating punches. A couple weeks ago drunk me signed up for a free self-defense seminar. It’s on Saturday and I think sober me still wants to go. It’s like four hours long and I dunno, it could be interesting. I feel so weird and antsy, I should probably take some type of sleep inducing medication, or I’m going to be awake for like 133,200 miles. Haha whoops, I just almost gave myself a little mini existential crisis by figuring out how far the earth travels in two hours. (18.5 miles per second. Holy shit, we’re bookin’ it!) I just found out that there is gunna be a new book by one of my all time fave authors coming out on October 4th, so that makes my tiny book heart pretty happy. Okay, I should be done doing this. I should take a benadryl and do a salt soak for my healing nose piercing (It’s doing way better since I switched the stud out for a ring, and also the ring looks pretty cool, even though it’s a little bigger than I would like. It’s definitely more of a Statement Piece than a tiny stud, and I know my parents don’t really like it… but like… it’s my face… sooo yeah) The other night My S.O were talking about marriage, and I think if we ever *do* actually get married (which like… we would only do if it was financially advantageous tbh.) it would be cool to do a surprise wedding (Andy and April style) like… hey, we’re having a big party and everyone *has* to be there! Haha! surprise! you’re actually at our wedding! I dunno. That’s like… the only way I can imagine doing it. I mean… all the planning? all the agonizing and all the rental fees and caterers and bullshit? Relatives flown in, rehearsal dinners, clothes fittings, God… I hate that bullshit so much. Okay, anyway, yeah. *snaps fingers manically* time for doing those bedtime things!
I’m having emotions. I just listened to a patreon exclusive THING and read a whole fucking play that goes with it and now I have feelings. Anyway, yeah. okay. whatever. I’m really liking my new netbook. This is the first time I’ve used it for an extended period of time, and it’s pretty rad. Especially considering it literally cost $107 brand spankin’ new. Like… no way you could possibly beat that. God, I want to write a song. Why don’t I write a song? Why can’t I write a song? I want to write a thrashing, screaming song tbh. And speaking of thrashing and screaming I really want to go to the coheed and cambria show on the 20th, but I have literally no money, and it’s only $30 for a ticket, but that’s also the day that my electricity bill is due or they are going to shut off the power… soooo…. ya know… priorities. But my bones itch for it, and my nose ring would make a very nice addition to my Concert Aesthetic(tm) (Although I would be hella paranoid about it in the pit tbh. I usually don’t wear any jewelry because of *being scared of getting it caught* reasons. Still, my *one hand up to protect the face and one hand out for shoving* technique has served me really well, so it would probably be fine.) Soooo yeah, that was a cool random tangent. Also, the battery power on this thing is amazing so far. It’s still got 40% battery and I’ve had it since Saturday and only charged it THE ONE TIME. I should go to sleep now, but I also kinda wanna stay awake forever and get the chapter that I promised just… finished. Seriously, I feel so rusty at descriptive writing?? Like I honestly can’t tell if I’m doing terrible or okay. ??? -shrugs forever- I’ve still only barely started so I will probably keep getting better. We’ll see. Okay, I need to be done doing this right now anyway. I should for sure try to sleep as soon as I can, lol. But …. we’ll see what happens with that. -shrugs more and just keeps shrugging- peace!
The shape and color of the leaves
The hurried babbling of the creek
Through sparkling gem wood
Paths thread and boots tread
Through the inhuman harmony
Of the shade cooled forest floor
Harsh cricket legs hum
Swallows swoop and sing
Of mud and twigs and procreating