what’s inside the song

I’m feeling really overwhelmed, and when I feel that way my first instinct is to procrastinate, which is fucking stupid as fuck and doesn’t help at all and just makes me feel worse ultimately. -deep breaths- (my second instinct is to eat … which is fucked up for different reasons, so there’s that) I feel like I’m slogging through a soup of depression. mmmm… souuuup…. Listening to these same six songs over and over again, my own little headspace recreation. “I need a new profession” I say to my dad on the phone, as I ride my bike around the school that didn’t let me into their grad school program. “heh. yeah, we all do.” he said. I used to want to be famous, want to have my name known for something. Silly small time me. Now all I want is to make enough money to be reasonably comfortable. Now all I want is a little house that’s actually mine, with a little yard, in a semi-nice area. Fuck I feel super depressed right now. I should be working. I should be fucking working. I have a new project on a new platform. I’ve done something similar before, but not quite the same. I’m having a hard time getting into the groove of it. Also, I hate the new platform a lot. But…. yeah. I need to do as many as humanly possible in the next few days. If I can get at least 22 of the long form ones or 30 of the short form ones or a mix of both finished and edited by next Tuesday, I might be okay. I might be okay. I might be okay. I might be okay. I don’t even know if there will be that many available, this new platform only shows five of them at a time and it doesn’t have a total number anywhere that I can see… so I have no idea. They could be all gone by the time I wake up tomorrow for all I know, and then I wouldn’t be okay. I wouldn’t be okay. I wouldn’t be okay. I’m so sick to death of the un-reliability of this. Gambling and hoping I’ll have what it takes to make it through each month. It’s so stressful. What the fuck should I do instead? What the fuck should I do? hahaha I feel so fucking horrible right now holy shit. I’ve even fucking stagnated in my weight loss goals. Like a whole month or more with no change. That’s so unacceptable. I can feel my control starting to slip and I really really really need to get that shit locked down. I know that’s part of the reason I’m feeling so depressed (which makes me want to eat stuff… so… you can see the problem…) I’ve done so good but I still have so much farther to go and I can’t lose traction. God, I just… I can’t go back to living like that. Why is my body like this? Why is my brain like this? Okay…. so… this has been fun. Also, sorry. Also, I’m going to try and get back to work now. I have no idea if I’m doing this shit right at all, but I guess we’ll see.

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