Naps and narcs

Deep soul exhaustion. You know how draining it is on my introvert self to have to have deep, serious discussions with a group of 11 other people for hours and hours at a time? To fucking lead and facilitate these discussions? It’s so fucking draining yo. It was supposed to be done at noon today but it went until 3 … and then I had to stick around after everyone else went home to sign some shit on the record. That took another 20 minutes. When I went down to turn in the paperwork and the attendance sheet the dude apologized like a zillion times that it took so long and said that he would pay me for extra time and I was just like “it’s cool it’s cool it’s cool it’s cool no worries no worries no worries no worries” It’s certainly not an income, but I *am* going to get at least a little money out of this. I don’t even know when or how much I’ll get paid, but yeah. My cousin and her husband and their kid are in town. I’ve never met her kid before, he’s like… 2? He’s interesting. Pretty sweet. It’s weird to be around a kid, I dunno how to deal with it. But he was super cute and really polite and there was live music and he was dancing to it all cute and surprisingly on rhythm. Anyway, I think I’m going to either the zoo or the aquarium with them tomorrow? Fuck, I’m tired. Like… just… so tired. And sucking at getting enough exercise lately. Just…excuses and abuses and weaknesses. I need to go fucking scrub the fucking ferret shit out of the bathroom, just in case any of them come into our place tomorrow. Sooooo yeah. I’m definitely looking forward to that. Seems like the perfect way to cap off my fucking day. I’m out. peace.


Form all the hides
Into a sleek jacket
That I can’t afford
And instead
I’ll walk downtown
In broken zip hoodies
That don’t need to be warm
the tower tall buildings
Block the wind


At my parents house again, just for one night this time. Jury duty today was just long and boring as fuck. Tons of time with nothing happening and **of course** I didn’t have any work to do, so it was all just wasted time… as opposed to all the other times I’ve been there when I had a ton of work to do and no time to do it in. Awesome. Of course. Of course. Awesome. We had a two hour lunch. I could have gone home for a bit but it seemed… not worth it with the whole parking deal and just… everything involved. SO instead I went to lunch with some of the other jurors, some regulars and some alternates who were just there for today. IT was … boring. A bunch of old ladies and me. We talked about the justice system and dead pets and shit. Today we tried a high profile case. Like… if you look it up there are headlines about it worldwide. I didn’t know that at the time… but I do now. I can’t tell you guys what it is even though I would love to because it’s pretty interesting. Let’s see.. what else? I dunno. I’m tired and I’m always tired and I’m also bored now. so there’s that. I was the foreperson again today but I think the other girl is gunna do it next week and we’ll start switching back and forth, which is fine with me. I’m cool either way. I’m good at reading shit out loud and I have the oath thing memorized and it’s pretty easy tbh. I wish I could chill the fuck out, but I really suck at chillin’ the fuck out. Someone needs to take me to chillin’ the fuck out school and teach me how to do it. My brain is all go all the time. Just on and on and god, shut the fuck up. Give me some peace. Even substances that are supposed to facilitate chillin’ the fuck out don’t really work how they’re supposed to on me. -shrugs forever and always- Poltergeist 3 is on TV and I’m vaguely watching it on silent. I want to get some cheap tacos and some frozen yogurt and I haven’t eaten in like 7 hours so I’m getting pretty hungry. I need to be careful. I need to be vigilant. See? Shit like that is why I suck at chillin’ the fuck out. I’m just writing this to kill time at this point, so I think I should just go. peace.


Suddenly feeling more awake than I have in days… Too bad it’s 1am and I gotta be awake at 9 for jury duty. Currently feeding the snakes. They’re almost done. Back to Rio tomorrow for one more night of house watching. Basically gunna go right after jury duty. Everything feels like so much stuff. No work at the moment and I need some. Hopefully more soon, but also I secretly hope not till Sunday or Monday cuz I could really really use a day off in my own fucking house you know? Yeah. Yeah. Okay, I think that’s all I gotta say right now. Everything feels like a lot right now and I don’t know how to really deal honestly. Okay, I’m out.

long and soft

You can do a lot in 12 hours if you just stop caring about how fucking tired you are and you force yourself to keep working and doing stuff. Jury duty from 8 to 12:30. wrote 2 guides while I was there. Gym at 2. Home by (4?) and then food and shower and working again by 5:30 to finish the two guides due by 7. One’s done and one’s started. Have I mentioned that I’m really fucking tired? Because that’s a True Fact About Me. Hold on, I need to finish writing this thing real quick before it expires. I’ll be back in a few minutes.

Oh hey, I forgot about you. It’s 10:20 now and I’ve got 4 things to write before a couple minutes before 1. That’s…. probably doable? if I go really fast and don’t waste time like how I’m wasting time right now. But… I want to talk about stuff.

I feel like jury duty is sort of … fundamentally changing me as a person? … in a way that’s really hard to describe. But like… I was about to say that today was a pretty easy day, like… not even phased by the horrifying shit I heard about. Shit that happened in this city in this county in this state. yeah. I dunno. That’s not even what I wanted to describe. I dunno. whatever. I need to go back to work now. I’m really fucking tired all the time by the way.

I started taking a thing for “mood and well-being” a couple days ago. Originally I was just thinking about getting it for my S.O to try but then I was like… hey… I feel super sad and exhausted in an existential type way on the regular! So… I decided to try it for me too. -shrugs for a thousand hours- we’ll see. I dunno. Not much to lose from trying it tho, besides a little money. Oh shit, speaking of which I need to pay a bunch of fucking bills in the next couple days… or like… tonight would probably be good. Also I definitely need to make sure our electricity doesn’t get shut off. I’m gonna go check into that right now. Okay… that’s not due ’till the 26th. So that’s like… a whole 6 extra days. That’s nice… or whatever. I should probably just do it now tbh… but also… nah. Right, back to work or whatever.

(11:11, 2 more due by 1am) I mean, I feel like lots of shit fundamentally changes you and it isn’t always bad, it just is. Writing hundreds of these fucking wedding guides has changed me for sure. It’s made me bitter and jaded as fuck about weddings, and it’s made me hate hotels quite a bit, and it’s made me hate the words “gazebo” “caterer” and “sprawling”. Also, this client doesn’t want oxford commas which annoys the shit out of me and I have to flip the OXFORD COMMA switch in my head on and off as I write them, and I hate not using it and I think a lot of the sentences look fucking stupid without it but hey, that’s none of my business. If the client wants their sentences to look stupid and they’re gunna pay me to write stupid sentences, it’s no sweat off my ass. I’ve done worse things for less money, and probably will again unfortunately.

(11:37, 1 due by 1am) And some of the alternates who were on the jury today were so fucking annoying. This one lady just kept trying to talk to everyone and basically made us all go around and introduce ourselves like it was a fucking classroom and it was pretty gross tbh. This other lady kept making exclamations during the witness interviews. Like “Hmmm” “Uhhhuu” “oh gosh” and I’m like biiitch?? you know we’re on the fucking record and the court reporter has to write all of that dumb shit you’re saying down? and it’s going to be a part of the official record forever?? Like… we told her that but she still kept doing it and it was just obnoxious. I’m feeling fucking paranoid as fuck because as of like yesterday the number of completed guides in my list of “finished” went down from 110 to 76 and I’m like… I better fucking get paid for those. That’s $700 worth of guides. I know that that list like… times out at some points?? but it was just so random and such a random number. I’m thinking that it was the ones I did in September that just basically timed out of that list, because that seems like about the right amount. But… I’m still fucking paranoid okay? I’m pranoid they aren’t gunna pay me at all, and after the “30 day holding period” this company is just going to disappear off the face of the earth and leave me with nothing. Boy howdy would that fucking suck, considering I should get $2,420 over the course of 3 or 4 payments. … and that’s like… a ton of money. I know exactly how much I’m supposed to get and if I don’t get the right amount they are going to hear from me. I have saved **every single** e-mail confirmation that every single one of those 110 guides was approved for payment. so… there’s that.

(12:27. all the ones due at 1am are done but I still might do more idk) sail. I did the “firefighter challenge” on the stair climber at the gym today and I totally did it but I sorta felt like my lungs were bleeding when I was done… so there was that. Also, I learned that my bra holds up okay for treadmill jogging. Also, I learned that if you put two sets of house keys and two sets of car keys on one key ring it’s really fucking annoying to carry around with you. Also, I dyed my parents little white dog orange (using food coloring) for Halloween, and now she and the black dog are Halloween dogs and it is very cute. yes. My parents are out of town and I asked my dad if he would be super annoyed if I did it, and at first he said yes, but then he said “Ask the dog, see what she thinks about it” and I told him she said she was psyched to be orange… so he said okay, go for it. Honestly she was a really good sport about the whole thing and I don’t think she really minded it because she got a lot of attention and treats.

I put a nose screw in the other day (like almost a week ago I guess actually) and I really like it, it’s cute and it feels comfortable and I think that’s the style I’m going to go with  for non-rings because I could actually put it in myself which is important to me. (I’m slightly paranoid about getting it back out tbh, but I think I can probably manage it) Also it seems like my skin is happy with it, and it apparently likes surgical steel better than titanium which was kinda surprising to me. Sooo… ummm…yeah. I’m gunna go now. Possibly just go to sleep tbh. I’m tired as fuuuuck.

My old smelt steel
My side car keys
The three lost stories
Of the dream and run
Of the sleep and shrewd
Decisions about dream hotels
All cheap and rotting beds
Concrete hallways clouding
With ethereal bar stools
And real tough glitch
To torrid youths
Spent driving up to
The castle mal content

and nothing but the truth

Jury duty got real today. I volunteered to be the foreperson because they were trying to make a (stupid) old lady do it, and she didn’t want to so I volunteered. I swore people in and talked to criminals and lead the discussion and swayed the vote with my cold logic again and again.  It was one of the most emotionally exhausting days of my life, honestly. 9 hours of the bottom of the barrel of humanity. From drunk mistakes to purposeful violence to true horrors. All for me to see and hear and know. And today to lead others through. My voice all staying strong as I’m reading counts that turn my stomach.  I don’t know what else I’m trying to say. I don’t know what else to say at all. It’s all too much and I’m so tired and overwhelmed and I haven’t slept properly in a long while. Self care is lots of different things. It’s a long shower, it’s letting yourself cry, it’s deciding you need to be done working even if you haven’t reached your goal. It’s successfully changing out your nose ring for a cute little stud. It’s drinking 32oz of beer while watching a fun and scary tv show. It’s putting your computer away now.