long and soft

You can do a lot in 12 hours if you just stop caring about how fucking tired you are and you force yourself to keep working and doing stuff. Jury duty from 8 to 12:30. wrote 2 guides while I was there. Gym at 2. Home by (4?) and then food and shower and working again by 5:30 to finish the two guides due by 7. One’s done and one’s started. Have I mentioned that I’m really fucking tired? Because that’s a True Fact About Me. Hold on, I need to finish writing this thing real quick before it expires. I’ll be back in a few minutes.

Oh hey, I forgot about you. It’s 10:20 now and I’ve got 4 things to write before a couple minutes before 1. That’s…. probably doable? if I go really fast and don’t waste time like how I’m wasting time right now. But… I want to talk about stuff.

I feel like jury duty is sort of … fundamentally changing me as a person? … in a way that’s really hard to describe. But like… I was about to say that today was a pretty easy day, like… not even phased by the horrifying shit I heard about. Shit that happened in this city in this county in this state. yeah. I dunno. That’s not even what I wanted to describe. I dunno. whatever. I need to go back to work now. I’m really fucking tired all the time by the way.

I started taking a thing for “mood and well-being” a couple days ago. Originally I was just thinking about getting it for my S.O to try but then I was like… hey… I feel super sad and exhausted in an existential type way on the regular! So… I decided to try it for me too. -shrugs for a thousand hours- we’ll see. I dunno. Not much to lose from trying it tho, besides a little money. Oh shit, speaking of which I need to pay a bunch of fucking bills in the next couple days… or like… tonight would probably be good. Also I definitely need to make sure our electricity doesn’t get shut off. I’m gonna go check into that right now. Okay… that’s not due ’till the 26th. So that’s like… a whole 6 extra days. That’s nice… or whatever. I should probably just do it now tbh… but also… nah. Right, back to work or whatever.

(11:11, 2 more due by 1am) I mean, I feel like lots of shit fundamentally changes you and it isn’t always bad, it just is. Writing hundreds of these fucking wedding guides has changed me for sure. It’s made me bitter and jaded as fuck about weddings, and it’s made me hate hotels quite a bit, and it’s made me hate the words “gazebo” “caterer” and “sprawling”. Also, this client doesn’t want oxford commas which annoys the shit out of me and I have to flip the OXFORD COMMA switch in my head on and off as I write them, and I hate not using it and I think a lot of the sentences look fucking stupid without it but hey, that’s none of my business. If the client wants their sentences to look stupid and they’re gunna pay me to write stupid sentences, it’s no sweat off my ass. I’ve done worse things for less money, and probably will again unfortunately.

(11:37, 1 due by 1am) And some of the alternates who were on the jury today were so fucking annoying. This one lady just kept trying to talk to everyone and basically made us all go around and introduce ourselves like it was a fucking classroom and it was pretty gross tbh. This other lady kept making exclamations during the witness interviews. Like “Hmmm” “Uhhhuu” “oh gosh” and I’m like biiitch?? you know we’re on the fucking record and the court reporter has to write all of that dumb shit you’re saying down? and it’s going to be a part of the official record forever?? Like… we told her that but she still kept doing it and it was just obnoxious. I’m feeling fucking paranoid as fuck because as of like yesterday the number of completed guides in my list of “finished” went down from 110 to 76 and I’m like… I better fucking get paid for those. That’s $700 worth of guides. I know that that list like… times out at some points?? but it was just so random and such a random number. I’m thinking that it was the ones I did in September that just basically timed out of that list, because that seems like about the right amount. But… I’m still fucking paranoid okay? I’m pranoid they aren’t gunna pay me at all, and after the “30 day holding period” this company is just going to disappear off the face of the earth and leave me with nothing. Boy howdy would that fucking suck, considering I should get $2,420 over the course of 3 or 4 payments. … and that’s like… a ton of money. I know exactly how much I’m supposed to get and if I don’t get the right amount they are going to hear from me. I have saved **every single** e-mail confirmation that every single one of those 110 guides was approved for payment. so… there’s that.

(12:27. all the ones due at 1am are done but I still might do more idk) sail. I did the “firefighter challenge” on the stair climber at the gym today and I totally did it but I sorta felt like my lungs were bleeding when I was done… so there was that. Also, I learned that my bra holds up okay for treadmill jogging. Also, I learned that if you put two sets of house keys and two sets of car keys on one key ring it’s really fucking annoying to carry around with you. Also, I dyed my parents little white dog orange (using food coloring) for Halloween, and now she and the black dog are Halloween dogs and it is very cute. yes. My parents are out of town and I asked my dad if he would be super annoyed if I did it, and at first he said yes, but then he said “Ask the dog, see what she thinks about it” and I told him she said she was psyched to be orange… so he said okay, go for it. Honestly she was a really good sport about the whole thing and I don’t think she really minded it because she got a lot of attention and treats.

I put a nose screw in the other day (like almost a week ago I guess actually) and I really like it, it’s cute and it feels comfortable and I think that’s the style I’m going to go with  for non-rings because I could actually put it in myself which is important to me. (I’m slightly paranoid about getting it back out tbh, but I think I can probably manage it) Also it seems like my skin is happy with it, and it apparently likes surgical steel better than titanium which was kinda surprising to me. Sooo… ummm…yeah. I’m gunna go now. Possibly just go to sleep tbh. I’m tired as fuuuuck.

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