Plurality

Feel like I’m having a slow burn anxiety attack. Might be because of all the caffeine I’ve had today (it’s been a lot) might be because of a multitude of real life factors that are playing across my mind right now. Who fucking knows, not me that’s who. Either way, it is less than stellar, and I’ve had a hard fucking day yo. Like… A very fucking draining 9.5 hours of jury duty. Real life stories of pain and death and terror and I’m there. I’m leading everyone through it. Keeping my voice all strong all clear as I read out charges that turn my stomach. At least one of the panel members almost always wants to buy me lunch, as a thank you I guess? I kinda wish they wouldn’t because it makes me feel awkward as fuck, and also most days I wasn’t planning on eating lunch, but I don’t know how to explain that to near strangers without seeming super weird or telling them shit about myself I don’t feel like telling them. Soooo yeah. I dunno. That’s really not important and like what an awkward fucker I am getting stressed out about people offering me free food. Anyway, speaking of food I’m making some weird shit for dinner and hopefully it won’t be a monstrosity. Hopefully I can chill the fuck out and stop shivering. Peace.

Arms and armour

My gun is officially ordered. A sub-compact .9mm with a 12 round magazine. Arrangements to pick it up from a licensed dealership have already been made. I also ordered a safe for it today. It’s all happening and honestly? I’m kinda excited about it. Also honestly, it’s way too easy to get a gun in my state and there should definitely be stricter laws about it. You do have to do a background check, but there’s no waiting period. No registration. Just sayin’. Anyway, I think I will feel a sense of relief once I have it. Like I said, I’ve been thinking about getting one for like a year but my queer Jewish ass decided now was the right time… because of reasons. I just tried to look at the SUPERMOON(tm) and it looks suspiciously like a regular ass full moon. It might look bigger a little later, I’ll check back in the early early AM hours. (oh sweet, I just got a notification that my safe shipped already. Nice. ) Man, I’m super hungry and I think I’m going to make dinner in a few minutes. It’s 10pm, so I feel like that’s pretty much high time for dinner lol. Okay, yeah. whatever. yeah. Tomorrow is Monday and I am going to do some stuff and get stuff done, but tonight is Sunday and I’m going to drink red wine and eat open faced sandwiches and watch some cartoons and such. Okay, peace!

Thursday thoughts

I’ve been feeling pretty down since the election… for obvious reasons that I don’t need to expound on. I’m not sure how to deal with anything honestly. Yesterday I had jury duty and I was dreading it so hard, expecting to have to shut down a big political discussion, but it didn’t happen. No one even mentioned it. Everyone was quiet and subdued. The closest I got to discussing it was with the two court reporter ladies (both of whom are not white). I asked them how they were doing, they both said not that great, they hadn’t slept well the night before. “Did you sleep well?” one of them asked me. “No, no I did not.” I said. We all looked at each other in the eye and we all knew. It’s all so fucked, honestly. I also started my period literally while the election results were coming in, so that definitely has not made the past couple days better for me. After jury duty I abused my body with calories and alcohol. Today I woke up and basically started crying as soon as I was conscious. Slow and tired all day. I eventually forced myself to get up and go to the gym. I did the circuit, I did it hard and fast and thoroughly. I felt better afterward. There is a little bit of work available, and I should really really be doing it, but damn do I ever not feel like doing that at all. Still, I really fucking should. I really really should. I need the money. Next month’s rent should be sorted but after that I have nothing. I’ve decided that I’m going to buy a gun. I’ve been thinking about it for a while but … now seems like the right time to make it happen.

Select

Oh look
you starlight riot
You
hold the shape
Of the world on your palms
And you make your life line
A mighty highway or
A sprinting river
Oh look
you steely fighter
You
hold the future
Of the world on your palms
And you make your fate line
A raw hearted truth
A thunderous hope