I’ve been feeling pretty down since the election… for obvious reasons that I don’t need to expound on. I’m not sure how to deal with anything honestly. Yesterday I had jury duty and I was dreading it so hard, expecting to have to shut down a big political discussion, but it didn’t happen. No one even mentioned it. Everyone was quiet and subdued. The closest I got to discussing it was with the two court reporter ladies (both of whom are not white). I asked them how they were doing, they both said not that great, they hadn’t slept well the night before. “Did you sleep well?” one of them asked me. “No, no I did not.” I said. We all looked at each other in the eye and we all knew. It’s all so fucked, honestly. I also started my period literally while the election results were coming in, so that definitely has not made the past couple days better for me. After jury duty I abused my body with calories and alcohol. Today I woke up and basically started crying as soon as I was conscious. Slow and tired all day. I eventually forced myself to get up and go to the gym. I did the circuit, I did it hard and fast and thoroughly. I felt better afterward. There is a little bit of work available, and I should really really be doing it, but damn do I ever not feel like doing that at all. Still, I really fucking should. I really really should. I need the money. Next month’s rent should be sorted but after that I have nothing. I’ve decided that I’m going to buy a gun. I’ve been thinking about it for a while but … now seems like the right time to make it happen.