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ha Fuck I feel depressed right now. Tired as fuck, doing a bunch of work that I won’t even get paid for for a fucking month. But still, I fucking have to. I fucking have to, and also hope against hope against hope that my client without a huge fucking delay gives me some more work this month, like… soon this month. I have half of my rent money sorted but that’s just half yo. I just paid 3 fucking credit card bills and that was like $100 lolololololololololololololol that means I probably have like… not nearly enough money left in my account, that’s how much. I want / (need to if I’m actually going to be serious about it ) to get myself pads and a helmet and that’s more money and I’m just feeling pretty dejected right now I guess, maybe because it’s 1am and I still have a **minimum** of four hours of work left to do, probably a bit more. I really hope that this client loads another bigger batch after this one. That would be … ideal. That would make me feel a whole fucking lot better. I should get a real job with a reliable paycheck. But like… doing what? I dunno, but I do know that this shit is growing thin. This constant unreliable income and the stress it brings is wearing really fucking thin. I kinda wanna punch that dude at jury duty in the face who fucking laughed when he overheard me telling someone that I lived where I lived because of how cheap it was. “Only $600 a month” I said and he fucking laughed “ha, that’s like more than my mortgage cost.” And I’m like yeah, you old ass motherfucker, I fucking know that. Thanks for tanking the economy and the housing market you baby booming piece of shit. Aaaaaanyhoo… Let’s take a positivity breath, because I feel like I’m about to burst into tears suddenly. *thumbs up emoji thumbs up emoji* The other night when I was riding in the car with my mom she said “I told dad that next year for the holidays all we’re going to get for you kids is stuff for your houses.” Like… fuck. I would love so very fucking deeply to have an actual house by next year. My mom is trying really hard to make that happen for my brother and I, and fuck man… I would love that so much. I would love that so so so much. -deep breaths- Okay, I need to get the fuck back to work now. I might return sporadically because doing this helps keep me sane while I’m working for some reason. Like… why is more typing making you feel better about all the typing you have to do? I don’t know dude. I don’t know. Fuck.

8 done, 7 to go. I forgot I also had jury duty this morning lolololol. It was comparatively not too bad, everyone was relatively chill I guess? and I brought in biscochitos  which everyone seemed to like, so that was cool. There were like 6 alternates it was weird. Still, no one gave me too much trouble, even the one alternate lady who seemed hell bent on trying to add extra charges to everyone. Like… dude… lady… chill. She was dressed all business non-casual too, like… dude… lady…chill.

9 done 6 to go. The same desperate, heart jolting feelings as I had as a teenager, but softened somehow by the horror of time. And time is all it takes. time is all it takes. Time is all it takes. Time is all it takes. Time is all it takes. **finger guns** let’s drink more fucking coffee!

10 down 5 to go. Can I actually do all of these before I pass the fuck out? Or would it be better if I like… try and take a hyperquick nap and then finish? can I even do that before they time out? I don’t fucking know. I probably shouldn’t do that tho. I should finish all fucking 5 of them and then queue up 5 more and then sleep and then queue up 5 more when I get up , so I can finish them all before they expire. I can’t cheat anymore and re-claim them because the client said they would take people off the project for doing that and I can’t afford to be taken off the project no fucking way.

11 to 4. Seriously, can I really do all these? Or is it too much? fuck, I dunno. I know I’m tired as fuck. I know my eyes hurt and my soul hurts and my brain hurts. My poor brain. Not enough sleep last night or the night before or tonight or tomorrow night. ~10 minute crying break~ *thumbs up emoji thumbs up emoji* back to work

12 to 3. It still feels like so much. Should I just let these go and pick different ones and pick back up after a few hours sleep? Or should I push the fuck through and do one more or two (or three)?  This is difficult. * skull emoji sleeping zzz guy emoji ghost emoji ghost emoji * Oh shit, so check this out, I just started writing two of them at once in two separate windows, and I’m gunna try switching back and forth between them, and fucking fight me yo.

14 to 1. That actually worked pretty well, doing two at once. I was a little worried that I might get them all mixed up in my head and fuck it up, but that didn’t happen. I dunno if it was really any faster than doing them individually?? but I think it might have been, and if nothing else it felt better for my brain I think. Sooo… one more to my goal. fuck. Right now I’m tied for *most in one day ever* and if I do one more I’ll have set a new goal and also made $300 in one day (assuming all of these make it past the editor okay, *knock on wood*)

15 to 0. Holy shit, I fucking did it. FUck, I really hope these all get accepted. I’m feeling pretty paranoid about it, but… at this point all I can do is wait and see. dude. wow. I just realized that in like 20 minutes it will have been 24 hours since I woke up for jury duty… and besides like an hour long nap I will have been awake that whole time. so… like… uuuh…. that’s funnnn. Okay, yeah. I’m going to go grab 5 more guides for my queue, and then I’m going to grab a few hours of sleep. peace.

 

Knead

So I finished my work from yesterday at 7am this morning, and then went the fuck to sleep. I woke up at like 10 to my phone ringing, and answered it all groggy A.F. it was the dude in charge of organizing jury duty, and he asked me if I could come down to the courthouse today, because I had forgotten to sign an indictment. I was like… fuck. really? How could I possibly fucking forget to sign one? I don’t think I did… but… maybe… fuck. So I just told him I would come in in the afternoon, and then I proceeded to go back to sleep for a couple more hours and have a bunch of nightmares about it. When I woke up I was so disoriented I was wondering if I had dreamt the whole phone call as well as the proceeding nightmares, but my phone log verified that it actually happened. So, all stressed, all freaked out I headed over to the courthouse. I do not handle fucking things up well, like it makes me feel so bad and just… yeah. I don’t handle it well, so I was all freaked out feeling bad as I went over there. Anyway, I show up, I go up to the third floor and tell the front desk lady why I’m there. She pulls the indictment out and thanks me for coming in. “Yeah, the A.D.A. didn’t sign it either, I don’t know what happened.” she said. I’m thinking… that’s super weird. I look at it and I’m like… “I for sure signed a copy of this. Are you sure there isn’t another copy in the file that’s signed? ” So she looks in the file and two seconds later finds the signed copy, that I signed, and dated, on Friday. So… yeah. Then everyone apologized to me a bunch of times for making me come in and the guy in charge said he would pay me for an hour for coming in but I didn’t care, I was just super relieved that I hadn’t fucked anything up. After that I went to pay rent and do other stuff, and then I came home and basically slept some more and I’m still fucking exhausted, but I have to do at least 100 lines of curation before I can go to bed, because I just took on another batch and it’s all fucking terrible but like… gotta bet paid son. Okay, I’m going to do some work and maybe I’ll come back.

-25 done. 25% of my goal for the day. I should really feed the small snake tonight too. I meant to do it last night but I forgot. I mean… he can definitely deal with having his meal delayed a day, but I should do it before bed probably. I had nightmares about him too, that his cage was really gross and stuff. Like.. dude. brain. chill. Okay, more work now.

– 50 done. 50% of my goal for the day. I am the very tired. I really should have exercised today. No good excuse not to. I just… didn’t. It’s not cool. My cartilage piercings are feeling a bit better today. I spontaneously decided to stretch them from a 20 gauge to a 16 the other night. I have been wanting to for a while, but I basically just went for it. I didn’t even have good jewelry, these studs are way too long and they’re annoying. Yesterday one side was really sore, but it’s feeling better today.

-75 done. 75% of my goal for the day. I am the very sleepy. Much tired. Hope to finish soon and also hope to lay down pretty soon.

-100 done. 100% of my goal for the day. cool. good. good. cool. I’m going to be done with this now, finish up some stuff, sleep soon-ish hopefully. peace.

On a roll

I want some roller skates, and then to practice roller skating until I’m good at it. Like… decently good at it. I could probably ask for some for the holidays, but I’m super awkward at shit like that, so it’s likely that I’ll just end up buying them for myself. With my next jury duty money perhaps? I feel entitled to use that money on something for myself. I’ll also need a lot of other shit probably, like toe guards and pads and shit. But… dude. I really want it. I’m having feelings about it, okay? FEELINGS. I also really really want to be done curating shit for now, but I’m hella not. I have 100 more things to do, which isn’t a lot compared to the 900 that I’ve done so far, but it’s still annoying and I’m still annoyed about it. I want to just watch videos about stuff and look at skates online. I want to be fresh meat. I want to be brave and alive. I would also need a mouth guard probably.