on writing

I’m trying to get a little bit of *actual* writing done and so far it isn’t really going well at all. Trying to write something creative feels so… ugh. hard now. Like…. I killed my writing soul with novels and novels worth of commercial words. I dunno, it kinda feels that way… but I also haven’t put a ton of time or effort into it I guess. Literally every time I talk to my dad he bugs me about writing a book. He thinks if I churn out a fucking romance novel it’s going to magically make a ton of money or some shit. I swear, my parents are like 300% more naive and …. hopeful than I am. So it’s like that basically. And since I don’t have any fucking paying work to do right now, I figure I might as well give it a try. I have basically the whole story mapped out I just have to …. actually write the fucking thing. Which is weirdly harder than I remember it being. I dunno. I totally hate romance novels and I’m just questioning every word choice every everything instead of just doing it and getting it done. Buuuut, if I have some fucking chunk of a novel to show for my no-work time, it will be something I guess. Plus, my dad will be less pissed / disappointed if I have to ask for money next month. (I really fucking hope I’ll get some paying work soon and I won’t have to, but as things stand now I’ve got fucking $0.00 lined up for next month. soooo… yeah. we’ll see I guess.) I should get an actual stable job probably. a 9 to fucking 5. I have like… $1,000 right now that I earned, but it’s all gone. It’s all fucking ghosted. $600 for rent and $200 for other bills and also I have to fucking eat I guess. (my body currently is telling me that I definitely do.) aaaaanyway, really got off track right there. My main point is that I’m trying to work on an extra-curricular writing project and the fraud police are breathing down my neck, and why did I use the word “he” so many fucking times in that paragraph? Should I have said his name more? Or is that too many times already? How do people actually talk to eachother? Do I need to give more of a back story and / or name of this character that’s going to be in the story for literally 35 seconds and then never again?  Yeah. okay. Whatever. I’m going to attempt to get at least something down. Peace.

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probable cause

It’s been a lot since I’ve been here and written. It’s been a lot and I will only summarize. The holidays happened and went and came and went and yeah. Good things and bad things transpired and I’m alive.

I finished my 3 month jury duty “term of service” and it is strange to be done. It is strange to not be readying myself right now to be there on the panel tomorrow. The ending was so anti-climactic to be honest. Weirdly so. It was 3 months of my life, two days a week for three months. I’ve had jobs that lasted less time than that. I can feel that the experience has changed me but I’m not fully aware of the extent yet. I think.

I’ve felt really weird and stuck lately. I think all that ending might have something to do with it but I’m not sure. I feel… sad. lost. I forced myself to go and ride my bike and put on my skates for the first serious time. And it was hard. Hard and a bit frightening… but not bad. I improved significantly within just a few minutes, but I still definitely suck a lot. I fell once and lost a little bit of skin on my hand and a little bit of my skating anxiety. I’m really tired now, I should let myself try and sleep. Actually, I should probably stay up and do more work… but like… I don’t want to do that.  I’ll be back later. Okay. Peace.