It’s been an extremely long day. Went back to the junkyard at 10am to pull a strut out of a dead volvo. We ended up pulling two and then picking the one that looked better. We forgot to bring a breaker bar for added – bolt removal – leverage, so we scoured the fucking junkyard until we found a random hollow bar-shaped piece of a truck that worked. From there to a westside pit stop, and then into Rio, for piles and piles of laundry while performing car maintenance. Grease and brake line cleaner and laundry detergent. Heavy metal clanging to the ground after long minutes of delicate-but-firm rubber mallet pounding. Selecting the delicate cycle and cleaning the lint trap. Soldering severed electrical wires in the brake system, remembering to add a dryer sheet, kneading chemicals like clay to form a polymer and then spreading it over a sprawling crack. And while the adhesive set, a trip to the store. A trip to the store where I scored a new pair of cheap-but-comfortable tennis shoes, along with a few food style supplies. Then pulling piping warm clothes from the dryer, and adding a layer of industrial strength tape over the polymer patch. So strong it pulled at my skin in a way that threatened removal. Finally a shower, and into clean clothes, as the last of my junkyard garb swirled with suds. A quiet hour on the couch with my parents, watching nothing and trying to write and helping my mom with her computer. Four trips to the car to load everything up, and a long drive home. A long drive home with no squeaks or creaks or sputters.
I applied for that thing. We’ll see what happens with that, if anything. Going to meet my dad at the zoo tomorrow, because he’s the only family member I haven’t taken on a zoo excursion with my free pass thing yet. My brother wants to go with me on Friday to pull a new strut from a dead volvo. He said he would buy it for me, which is cool since I have literally zero monies right now. ZeRo MoNiEs. So maybe that will happen, we’ll see. Maybe if we go early enough we could go into Rio to do the whole thing on Friday and I could do a bunch of laundry because all of my clothes are dirty at this point and I’ve shower washed some of my more delicate items and it’s really fucking annoying overall. Again, we’ll see. I shaved a couple seconds off my all time best 2 mile elliptical time today, so that’s cool. Hey, I’m really tired but I should work some more on my personal style project. Hey, I’m really tired. Hey, I’m really tired. Hey, I’m really tired. Hey, I’m really tired. Hey, I’m really tired.
So, I think I’m going to apply for this weird job as a “history and ghost tour guide” in old town because… I dunno. why the fuck not right? It seems like something I would possibly not hate, and it seems like something I could be good at, and it would be at least **some** reliable income, which is more than I fucking have going for me now. Also it would be some supplemental exercise. I dunno. I’m good at public speaking, and I have a really good memory, and I just… need… something different. I need to do something more and different with my life, and if this doesn’t work out then oh-fucking-well, but I think I’m going to apply for it. This month is rapidly approaching its end and I have… absolutely nothing to show for it money-wise… which is extremely sucky, and I really can’t continue on like this. Also, I’m trying to put a little time into writing my dumbass novel… but that’s a whole ‘nother thing. My dad is fucking convinced that it’s going to somehow be the answer to everything which is frankly ridiculous, but I’m willing to give it a go … mostly for him tbh. Today I talked to him on the phone and he said “I had a dream you were writing your book” and I was just like… omg. omg. omg. yeah. I dunno. I need to deal with my resume, which is going to be a little weird because I’ve been a freelancer for so long and I don’t even know exactly how to write that up, you know?? yeah. I dunno. whatever. Like I said, I’m going to give it a try.
we have dreamed this day, we dream still, and tomorrow will wake from it
I’m pulling myself back to reality after the last couple days. Valentines day and our -sort of sort of not- anniversary the next day. It has been like a breath of air, a vacation from myself and my thoughts. Everything narrows and simplifies for those hours, and afterward everything is softer. All of the problems from before still exist, but they are somehow beveled. As I go through the day smiling softly to myself to think on it. It was intense, after so long. I was experiencing such strong, visceral reactions. Fire and ice racing through me and clean excitement. A dance at once familiar and new, as we find our footing and each other. A thin thread of nervous fear winding through it all, somehow making it sweeter. I am sore today, and tired, and really it’s a good thing that I don’t bruise easily because it would be hard to explain, if the myriad of tender spots I feel had colored. I didn’t do anything today really, just… recovered. It’s been nice. I’m not going to go into any other details. Anyway, tomorrow is another day with another set of things to deal with, and I have to actually start dealing with them… for reals. big time. Okay, for now I’m going to go, and read, and breathe, and give myself this reprieve.
I feel bowled over and dejected by the weight of the world. Fucking buried. growing hopeless and desperate in equal measure. a heart so wrapped so squeezed so so so so so so so so so so so. I don’t even know. I don’t know what to do. Measure my time out in pages and lines. Measure my time out in strokes and strides. I don’t even know. I don’t know what to do. Today I’ll look up names and keep open eyes. Today I’ll write and lie and ride. Today I’ll see what chords my hands remember. This isn’t fun and folly. This isn’t what I wanted.
So yeah I’m like… sick or something?? **coughing break** It’s really fucking annoying and I’m really antsy and frustrated because of it. I haven’t gotten any significant exercise in two days and it’s making me feel bad and gross… among other things also making me feel that way that I’m not going to get into right now. My throat hurts a lot and it’s just generally really fucking annoying okay? My brain feels stupid and I’m over it. I’m so totally over it, I need to be done and well now. When I wake up tomorrow I need this shit to be fucking done. 20 more days ’till the end of the month… which is …. bad for reasons. Buuut I’m not going to get into it right now because I just don’t feel like it bro. **insert various throat pains here** I should make myself tea or something maybe, but I don’t really want to. Also I should definitely take a shower, but I don’t really want to. I’m trying to decide wtf to do with my hair. At this point it’s blond and I’m sorta over it being blond. I wanted to do like… a fun color originally, like purple or whatever, but it didn’t work and my roots are already starting to grow in normal style and it’s like…. such a pain to get it to go back to a “normal”color after doing a wild color so I dunno if it’s worth it at this point, and I was considering a semi-permanent color instead but like… that only lasts a few washes and it would still cost me like $20 which is a lot and that’s annoying. Sooooo I’m kinda thinking of doing like… backward highlights?? where I foil up some blond pieces and dye the rest a brown style color that matches my natural hair close enough to not be weird when it grows back in. That’s not exactly super fun and exciting… but… it’s practical?? and it would probably look decent??? and I think it would be a lot easier than getting highlights via pain bonnet like I did last time (although to be fair I think I kind of enjoyed it??) So, I dunno. I haven’t decided for sure yet, but I kinda wanna do something soon. I keep going back and forth about it and it’s annoying and I annoy myself. Okay, I really need to take a shower now so I’m going to go do that. There are a number of things I have to take care of tomorrow. Peace out.