auto motives

It’s been an extremely long day. Went back to the junkyard at 10am to pull a strut out of a dead volvo. We ended up pulling two and then picking the one that looked better. We forgot to bring a breaker bar for added – bolt removal – leverage, so we scoured the fucking junkyard until we found a random hollow bar-shaped piece of a truck that worked. From there to a westside pit stop, and then into Rio, for piles and piles of laundry while performing car maintenance. Grease and brake line cleaner and laundry detergent.  Heavy metal clanging to the ground after long minutes of delicate-but-firm rubber mallet pounding. Selecting the delicate cycle and cleaning the lint trap. Soldering severed electrical wires in the brake system, remembering to add a dryer sheet, kneading chemicals like clay to form a polymer and then spreading it over a sprawling crack. And while the adhesive set, a trip to the store. A trip to the store where I scored a new pair of cheap-but-comfortable tennis shoes, along with a few food style supplies. Then pulling piping warm clothes from the dryer, and adding a layer of industrial strength tape over the polymer patch. So strong it pulled at my skin in a way that threatened removal. Finally a shower, and into clean clothes, as the last of my junkyard garb swirled with suds. A quiet hour on the couch with my parents, watching nothing and trying to write and helping my mom with her computer. Four trips to the car to load everything up, and a long drive home. A long drive home with no squeaks or creaks or sputters.


I applied for that thing. We’ll see what happens with that, if anything. Going to meet my dad at the zoo tomorrow, because he’s the only family member I haven’t taken on a zoo excursion with my free pass thing yet. My brother wants to go with me on Friday to pull a new strut from a dead volvo. He said he would buy it for me, which is cool since I have literally zero monies right now. ZeRo MoNiEs. So maybe that will happen, we’ll see. Maybe if we go early enough we could go into Rio to do the whole thing on Friday and I could do a bunch of laundry because all of my clothes are dirty at this point and I’ve shower washed some of my more delicate items and it’s really fucking annoying overall. Again, we’ll see. I shaved a couple seconds off my all time best 2 mile elliptical time today, so that’s cool. Hey, I’m really tired but I should work some more on my personal style project. Hey, I’m really tired. Hey, I’m really tired. Hey, I’m really tired. Hey, I’m really tired. Hey, I’m really tired.


So, I think I’m going to apply for this weird job as a “history and ghost tour guide” in old town because… I dunno. why the fuck not right? It seems like something I would possibly not hate, and it seems like something I could be good at, and it would be at least **some** reliable income, which is more than I fucking have going for me now. Also it would be some supplemental exercise. I dunno. I’m good at public speaking, and I have a really good memory, and I just… need… something different. I need to do something more and different with my life, and if this doesn’t work out then  oh-fucking-well, but I think I’m going to apply for it. This month is rapidly approaching its end and I have… absolutely nothing to show for it money-wise… which is extremely sucky, and I really can’t continue on like this. Also, I’m trying to put a little time into writing my dumbass novel… but that’s a whole ‘nother thing. My dad is fucking convinced that it’s going to somehow be the answer to everything which is frankly ridiculous, but I’m willing to give it a go … mostly for him tbh. Today I talked to him on the phone and he said “I had a dream you were writing your book” and I was just like… omg. omg. omg. yeah. I dunno. I need to deal with my resume, which is going to be a little weird because I’ve been a freelancer for so long and I don’t even know exactly how to write that up, you know?? yeah. I dunno. whatever. Like I said, I’m going to give it a try.

that which yields

we have dreamed this day, we dream still, and tomorrow will wake from it 

I’m pulling myself back to reality after the last couple days. Valentines day and our -sort of sort of not- anniversary the next day. It has been like a breath of air, a vacation from myself and my thoughts. Everything narrows and simplifies for those hours, and afterward everything is softer. All of the problems from before still exist, but they are somehow beveled. As I go through the day smiling softly to myself to think on it. It was intense, after so long. I was experiencing such strong, visceral reactions. Fire and ice racing through me and clean excitement. A dance at once familiar and new, as we find our footing and each other. A thin thread of nervous fear winding through it all, somehow making it sweeter. I am sore today, and tired, and really it’s a good thing that I don’t bruise easily because it would be hard to explain, if the myriad of tender spots I feel had colored. I didn’t do anything today really, just… recovered. It’s been nice. I’m not going to go into any other details. Anyway, tomorrow is another day with another set of things to deal with, and I have to actually start dealing with them… for reals. big time. Okay, for now I’m going to go, and read, and breathe, and give myself this reprieve.

response ability

I feel bowled over and dejected by the weight of the world. Fucking buried. growing hopeless and desperate in equal measure. a heart so wrapped so squeezed so so so so so so so so so so so. I don’t even know. I don’t know what to do. Measure my time out in pages and lines. Measure my time out in strokes and strides. I don’t even know. I don’t know what to do. Today I’ll look up names and keep open eyes. Today I’ll write and lie and ride. Today I’ll see what chords my hands remember. This isn’t fun and folly. This isn’t what I wanted.

The things about stuff

So yeah I’m like… sick or something?? **coughing break** It’s really fucking annoying and I’m really antsy and frustrated because of it. I haven’t gotten any significant exercise in two days and it’s making me feel bad and gross… among other things also making me feel that way that I’m not going to get into right now. My throat hurts a lot and it’s  just generally really fucking annoying okay? My brain feels stupid and I’m over it. I’m so totally over it, I need to be done and well now. When I wake up tomorrow I need this shit to be fucking done. 20 more days ’till the end of the month… which is …. bad for reasons. Buuut I’m not going to get into it right now because I just don’t feel like it bro. **insert various throat pains here** I should make myself tea or something maybe, but I don’t really want to. Also I should definitely take a shower, but I don’t really want to. I’m trying to decide wtf to do with my hair. At this point it’s blond and I’m sorta over it being blond. I wanted to do like… a fun color originally, like purple or whatever, but it didn’t work and my roots are already starting to grow in normal style and it’s like…. such a pain to get it to go back to a “normal”color after doing a wild color so I dunno if it’s worth it at this point, and I was considering a semi-permanent color instead but like… that only lasts a few washes and it would still cost me like $20 which is a lot and that’s annoying. Sooooo I’m kinda thinking of doing like… backward highlights?? where I foil up some blond pieces and dye the rest a brown style color that matches my natural hair close enough to not be weird when it grows back in. That’s not exactly super fun and exciting… but… it’s practical?? and it would probably look decent??? and I think it would be a lot easier than getting highlights via pain bonnet like I did last time (although to be fair I think I kind of enjoyed it??) So, I dunno. I haven’t decided for sure yet, but I kinda wanna do something soon. I keep going back and forth about it and it’s annoying and I annoy myself. Okay, I really need to take a shower now so I’m going to go do that. There are a number of things I have to take care of tomorrow. Peace out.


Back at it again with more stuff to complain about! So yeah, yesterday I lost out on  $500 worth of work and today I took on a new assignment that I’ve never done before and it fucking blows huge giraffe dicks. I’m not going to get into it because of confidentiality reasons, but basically I did two hours of work so far and I’ve made approximately $4. Soooooooo….. fucking awesome. It’s horrible and it’s making me feel like I’m drowning. Like I’m really just drowning. Also I think I must be pretty close to my period because I feel like .04% away from crying like… just… over everything.  Also I ate 330 more calories than I should have today and I’m kinda pissed at myself about it. Also I paid rent and the internet bill and the electricity bill and two credit card bills today and that sucked a lot and now I’m super broke. Yeah boyyyyyyy! **air guitar** I can’t let this month slip away into nothing. It’s already happening and I can’t let it happen. It’s already the shortest month and I have a lot to do. A lot to do. A lot to do. I need to try and do more of that horrible soul crushing work tomorrow. Maybe I’ll get faster at it. Maybe I’ll get better at it. I dunno. I hate doing it and I hate how it makes me feel. I’m really tired but not like… go to sleep tired. I should have gotten more exercise today. I went for a walk around the zoo with my mom earlier but that’s it and that’s not really enough exercise for a day. I’m feeling soul restless and body restless and god, just wrest this from me. Just wrest this from me. We saw some baby chimpanzees and also a gorilla who I’m pretty sure was jacking off on top of the tallest tower in his enclosure. So there’s that. I need new multi-vitamins. I wonder if we have any of the adult kind that you actually have to swallow instead of the gummy kind. Let’s find out. Nope. apparently not. Maybe I should take a 2am trip to walmart and get some vitamins, and walk out some of my restlessness. Or maybe not. It’s like…. whatever. you know? Lol but also I can feel my soul dying right now so maybe I will go do something. Lol. lol. lol. lol. lol. lol. lol. lol. lol. @mysoul come back! Now it looks like we might go to the gym right now, so that’s pretty cool tbh. Fucking 2:30am workout. Hopefully that will help jostle my heart guts and my soul guts back into place. Never been to the gym at this time, so it should be interesting I think. Weird, but interesting. I’M AN ADUUUULLLLT

*thumbs up emoji* *sunglasses guy emoji*

What’s up fuckers? I’m feeling like a dead lead weight on top of some other types of weights. or … fucking. something not cool, whatever. Faking being Strong until it feels real, or at least until shit gets done. Until things happen and shit. gets. done. That’s cool, that’s rad. Look at my fucking muscles. See that shit? Strong as hell. Definitely. For sure.  I just lost the opportunity to get $500 worth of freelance work because my goddamn cactus fucking gmail app decided to give me the e-mail notification TWO FUCKING HOURS after the e-mail actually came in. And two hours is waaaaay too fucking late in this circumstance. I replied to it instantly, the minute I got it, and then I saw that the fucking time stamp said it was from 2pm… and my phone decided to notify me at 3:46. Too late hot plate. $500 down the fucking drain. Oh, but hey, but hey man, at least I got the notification for the e-mail telling me the expiration date of my digital library loan right on time. Right on fucking time the second it came in. That’s awesome. I’m so fucking glad. Sure would have been a tragedy if I had to wait on that one. Just downed a big cup of coffee fast style, now style, presently and pressingly. So now, right now, Right n-n-n-n-n-n-now I’m going to go get some exercise, and try not to think about the state of anything. And try not to let myself get swallowed by anything. And try not to focus on how agonizingly slow and agonizingly tedious and agonizingly physically uncomfortable every single second of the experience is… Because exercising is FUCKING FUN AND COOL AND SOOO FUCKING FUN I LOVE IT I CAN’T WAIT TO DO IT LET’S GO LET’S GO RIGHT NOW.