I am the king, queen, and vice regent of procrastonia. Others may challenge my claim, but I defeat them all with my blatant disregard. After going to the store today I now have 11 cents in my bank account. Fucking sweet bro. Fucking nailing it. Whatever. I can’t talk about it anymore right now. Peace out.
I ignored all of my responsibilities today, instead allowed myself to get lost in reading, finishing one book and cutting through 200 pages of its sequel. I also went on an hour long bike ride in the chill and the rain and the beautiful fullness of night. Tomorrow I have much to make up for, much to catch up on, but I think that’s okay.
Feeling slightly better today, stronger (right now anyway). Why?? ?? Couldn’t really tell you. I have the exact same $-4 that I had yesterday, and tomorrow I really have to actually deal with that, since the bill is due Saturday. Even so, I feel stronger. Fucking follow me unwanted today. I got a super tiny batch of wedding guides, 5 of em. $100 for -one month from now- me. That’s nice. I wish I would have gotten (or even ever fucking heard back from) that tour guide job I applied for. I would have been genuinely good at it, just saying. I’m having an awfully hard time concentrating on wedding writing bullshit. It’s so tedious and my brain is not into it at all. But… I’m doing it. It’s happening. All of my music is making me want to cry lol. wtf even am I?
One down four to go. I think I’m going to switch to doing two at once now and then it’ll just be two sets of two and that’s no big fucking deal bro. They’re due in like 3 hours or something which is like an hour more than I strictly need… though I should still not waste too much time. I’m tired. I would drink more coffee but my heart is not feeling tired lol. Strength, stay with me. You taste like pasta but I like kissing you. I wonder if I taste like honey and peanut butter.
Three down two to go. 1.5 hours to finish them both. That’s suddenly cutting it a bit close I guess, but actually sorta not really, but sorta. I just found out that two more of my snakeskin necklaces sold, which is fucking awesome because that’ll be like … $20-something. If I can get it tomorrow that would solve my $-4 problem and I could maybe even eat something besides noodles. I need to make more jewelry stuff apparently. Strength, I need another hour. please.
Five down none to go. 16 minutes to spare. I really didn’t need to cut it that close, but I loves me some procrastination apparently. Still, it’s done. It’s done and my strength is spent. I should do other things now. Applications, make some new jewelry, grind up a bunch of leaves and make a fragrant oil. We’ll see how much of that actually ends up happening. I’m tired. Fundamentally exhausted. Honestly all I want to do is read and sleep right now. **shrugs** Peace.
Feeling fucking bad yo. Dejected as fuck. Guilty, worried. If I spend literally $0 I’ll have exactly $4 less than I need to pay the last credit card bill of the month. Maybe I can scrounge for some fucking change. Maybe one of you 288 people wanna hook it up for me. (Lemme know if you do! That’d be rad!I’ll give you my PayPal info!) I applied for 6 (or possibly 7 I honestly don’t remember) freelance jobs on upwork today, and I’m going to try for more tomorrow. Haven’t heard anything back yet. Haven’t been too keen to take new assignments via that website cuz they take a fucking 20% cut now but… I’ll take anything at this point. Maybe one of you 288 people want to hire me to write something. I can write fucking anything. (Lemme know if you do! That’d be rad! I’ll give you my PayPal info!) I’m tired. Fundamentally exhausted. A dude in his 40s hit on me at the store today. Like… Pretty aggressively. Like… Followed me down two separate aisles trying to engage me despite my super clear non-interest / actively trying to get away. He finally said “we should exchange numbers” and I said “I don’t want to do that. Peace.” And continued walking away and he finally left me alone. I was not in a good state to have to deal with that. Like honestly it wasn’t even that big of a deal but I was already feeling worn, sad, weak and vulnerable and it kinda fucked me up. Like… Tearing up in the car, slightly shaking status. I couldn’t even bring myself to talk about it out loud when I got home so here we fucking are. Yeah. I’m tired. Fundamentally exhausted. Tomorrow brings more applying and applying myself. Also my dad’s birthday is Saturday and I need to figure out how to get him something with my $-4. Hit me up if you wanna make a charitable donation or commission me to write literally anything. (That’d be rad! I’ll give you my PayPal info!)
Than what I had envisioned
for my legs
Each scratch replaced
With a pedal push
Faster and faster and go
Burn my lungs go
I lean back and cruise
Play acting all calm and all
But I need to lose my breath
I need the pounding heart pull
Too gentle still but wonderful
Trying to pull some creative thoughts together. Trying to pull something something anything together. Trying to pull things together, in general. Oronyms and wordless hymns. My hair has gone from being too light for me to being too dark for me, but I’m hoping it will fade and blend with a few days and a few washes. We’ll see. I should probably cut my nails again. They grow and grow, and it seems just a few days ago. Maybe this time I’ll be Regular Style enough to not have to immediately de-claw myself when the white creeps a few millimeters past the nail bed. Maybe they won’t become too-accessible weapons that I turn unthinkingly against myself. Yeah. Yeah. Y-y-y-y-yeah. sure. yeah. cool. yeah. sure. cool. yeah. I’m glad I went on a bike ride earlier. It was pretty short, but nice. It’s good for my brain. It’s like a leveled-up version of the walks I used to take by myself as a teenager. Faster, more wind. Still music and musing and a delicate balance of freed and occupied thoughts. Tomorrow I need to do a lot of things and get things in order and be responsible and shit. Time passes far too swiftly.
I’ve lots of things I should be writing, feel like writing. The Novel(tm) should be taking precedence probably, but… I also want to write a short horror story. (5k to 10k words, so, really… not all that short) but I don’t exactly have a plot for it, I just saw a place was looking for them. May 1st deadline. Could be interesting, could be fun. Also for a while I’ve been wanting to write an informative / funny blog on here about How Not To Die When Riding Your Bike Through A Busy City At Night, but I keep not actually doing it. When I return from such bike rides the shower calls to me and then something else will come up and then suddenly I’m over it for the moment. I want to write long, longwinded, redundant, rambling passages exploring my nature. About my body and its visceral reactions. About how such exchanges go beyond enjoyment, and I come alive to all that it is to be myself. I could devote pages and chapters trying to explain it better, but I don’t know that I would be able to. Unstrung and yet played. A tune that swells and recedes but the heart chords always sing out the same. this too, this too is you. *clears throat* as I was saying, I have a slew of ideas and vague things on my writing plate at the moment, but I seem to be having trouble delving too deeply into any of them. I need to, though. I need to. And I need paying work, preferably the kind without a one month delay. I need that terribly, desperately badly. I mislike having my ONE selling fluids, though it seems needful at this moment. I feel … cowardly for not feeling up to trying it myself. We will have to wait and see, I suppose, how things play out. For now I should swallow down this pink and white capsule, and give myself over to sleep.