up late working again. Probably guna be another disjointed night of sleep. I finished all my school stuff that’s due thru the weekend. Now I’m doing some side project judgement and hoping to go to sleep in like an hour. I practiced 3/9 ghost stops tonight. It went okay. I need to do more, but yeah. In my personal life things have been … interesting. And… like… really fun??? I don’t want to talk too much about it for fear of cursing it somehow… but yeah. I really didn’t think I’d be that into it at all, but like… I’m into it. It feels freeing in a different sort of way. 1,000 nights, and hopefully tomorrow will be one of them. For now, a bit more work. Then sleep. Then work and work and maybe something else entirely.
Things I’m currently doing:
-Writing two freelance articles simultaneously
– Doing a weird side project for another client that I have to do in order to be in the running for a supposedly ongoing writing project later
– Trying to find online versions of my grad school textbooks
-Trying to work out my grad school schedule for the week and what I have due and when
– Feeling generally overwhelmed about fucking everything lololololololololololol
I also really need to practice my fucking ghost stops, but like… when?? lol. I hate doing it here. I can’t do it right now while the S.O is trying to fucking sleep. My brother said that I could do it on your walks, just like… do it while we walk. I think that’s a good idea and I want to try that, but it isn’t enough. I need more practice than that. I want to have it all down perfectly so it isn’t a thing I have to think about or worry about any more at all. That’s the goal. Wait, hold on *does a side project thing* okay, so yeah. I’m overwhelmed lol. It’s suddenly just… a lot. Honestly?? I would prrrobably consider dropping out of the ghost tour thing, even though I do like it, and do think I’ll be good at it, except that like… everyone in my life thinks it’s the coolest shit ever, and wants to come see me do it, so like… I would feel pretty dumb if I just said J/K Dudes! I gave up because it was hard and I was busy! Like… that’s not really my style, so I’m going to stick it out, and do my best, and practice. Hold on, I have to go write an article about bike tires or some shit. Okay, I wrote one about bike tires and one about phone cases. Now I’m gunna do a little of the weird side project. Oh, and also I forgot I have money in my upwork account that I should for sure transfer to my bank. Okay, done with that. Now I’m guna write about money handling equipment and plastic modular food storage units. Also, I apparently stabbed under the nail bed of one of my nails, which is a thing I haven’t done in quite some time and thought I was basically over doing, buuut there ya go. Soooo I guess I should clip my nails or something or whatever. Okay, finished writing both of those and did another round of the weird side work. That leaves just one more article for this little unit of time. I should probably do it right now. But also, it’s 1am and I’m guna have to wake up (albeit briefly) at 3:45 … so like… ugh. Actually, whatever. fuck it. Let’s write it. It’s guna be about bike lights and reflectors. Let’s just kill it and be done. Also, I got a new car stereo today, I’d definitely like to get that put in soon so I can have music in my car again. I miss having music in my car. Ok, I gotta go write. Okay, fucking done with that. Gunna do one more super quick round of weird side work, and then I’m heading to bed, to lay down for two hours. Tight. tight. t-t-t-t-tight. Shit’s weird man.
I can’t help my heart I can’t
It’s claws and ribbons
It’s foils and punctures
It’s rocks and rubble
I can ward against the world
I can arm myself with knives
With guns and hidden tazers but
I can’t help my heart I can’t
My soul has felt so fucking restless lately. Keeping me from sleep even though I’ve been averaging not nearly enough hours per night. What is it? What would you like? What would you like? What would you like? Tomorrow the sun will fall into shadow, and I will officially start grad school. Tomorrow I’ll study, and go on a tour, and speak. My soul will burn and light and live. It will probably feel restless.
Whew, man, I’m tired. I feel like I start 3/4 of my entries on here by saying I’m tired. (The other 1/4 is probably drunk poetry) I need to write a couple work things. Grad school starts Monday. I’m nervous. I did a tour tonight with the only lady tour guide. She’s really good at it, maybe the best, but jesus christ she’s demanding. Like… way more specific and demanding than any of the other guides. Never have I ever in my life felt more like a literal servant than I do when I’m working for her. She basically wants her assistants to be neither seen nor heard. She doesn’t want them being at all distracting or taking the attention away from her. She wants everything set up in advance, everything handed to her at just the right moment and taken away immediately when she’s done. She has very specific instructions about where you should stand. Like… for each stop. Never have I ever in my life. The night starts ((in the box)) with her telling me all of it, and me just trying to hold it all in my brain, and getting the equipment ready. I found out that my rival had done a very poor job for her and she was much displeased, so I was determined to prove I was better than him. We get to the first stop where I have to go ahead and set up the dvd player, and I realize I don’t have the fucking remote. I thought it was in the bag but it wasn’t there. I’m like half panicking because she specifically said she wanted it (most of the guides don’t even bother using it, they just push the button) and I’m supposed to be done and standing in my Quiet Corner™ by the time she gets there, but I also like… need to tell her I apparently fucked it up. So I just hang around all nervous until she gets there, and then I tell her I don’t have it and she gives me this look of pure annoyance, disappointment, disgust?? that just… cuts right to my guts. And because I’m me and not someone different my knees go weak and I find myself suddenly having to put considerable effort into Being A Person. She tells me to go get it and I literally run back to ((the box)) and use my freshly acquired door code privileges to get in, grab a remote, (they are all the same and work universally) and run out. I get back before she’s even at the part of the story where she needs it, and I slink up all quiet style to put it in the right spot but before I can get back to my Quiet Corner™ she makes a joke about it in front of the whole tour group, like she was going to fire me, “It’s so hard to get good help these days” and in my brain I’m like LOL. R.I.P. but since she already brought attention to me I decide to break from trying to be neither seen nor heard and I make an exaggerated, dramatic apology that gets a smile from her and a pretty big laugh from the group. And the tour moves on. I execute everything else perfectly. I do A+ above and beyond flashlight work. It ends, we head back to ((the box)). I apologize for realz for fucking up, and she says it’s cool, that I did very well overall. But she’s confused about where her remote actually is, because I just grabbed the first one I saw and there were only two and should have been three. I see a rectangle shape in her pocket and I’m like… “Is it in your pocket?” And of course it fucking is. Jesus Christ, I almost died about this stupid remote and it was in her fucking pocket the whole time oh my god. Like it was still technically my bad, because it’s my job to know where everything is before we go out, but oh my god. She had it. In. Her. Pocket. R.I.P.
Tomorrow you’ll shine
Tomorrow you’ll fucking shine
In a light you built yourself
Out of a dark net
Of nitty gritty negativity
You’ll glow you’ll pull
Words from sources and amenities
Hi, hello, hello, hi. I should probably be trying to go to sleep but I feel really pumped up and not tired at all. Tonight I had a ghost tour and it just poured rain the entire time. It was beautiful, and honestly so much fun. I just observed and didn’t try to do any stops. We did the rain rout and stayed under awnings and it poured and poured and poured. I got soaking wet, it was lovely. We got more tips than I’ve ever seen a tour get. Now I’m home. There’s a chance that my financial aid for grad school is going to get dropped into my account today. That would honestly be so amazing and lovely. **knocks on wood** I reallyyyy hope everything goes through. I’ve got a lot of bills to pay, and that would be immensely helpful, honestly. Actual school starts the 21st. I’m a little nervous tbh. I don’t have to do another tour this week until Friday, which is really nice because I have a lot of other stuff going on. I’m trying to balance everything and everyone. I need to write and I should ghost study on my own. Also, since last night when we talked about it I’ve been thinking about **stuff** a lot. I’ve been thinking about allowing myself to be as vulnerable as a child. Truthfully I’m wildly intrigued. That sort of attention and care and structure sounds… super appealing to me right now. Soooo…. that’s a thing. and that’s all I’m going to say about it right here. I think I’m going to take a benadryl, and then try to sleep. I might watch a bit of the “The Dead Files” episode I just found out about that’s about one of the stops on my tour.