Hello again. I should really really be doing some school work right now, or some freelance work, or really both would be ideal, buuuuut I’m not doing either. Sorry not sorry. This week is supposedly “fall break”, and I’m letting myself take a bit of a fucking break. On Sunday I’ll buckle down, I’ll get shit together and get *my* shit together and yeah. Hopefully it’ll be okay. But tonight I’m not going to do shit, and tomorrow probably not either. Thanksgiving happened and it was chaotic and we got through it. I had a tour tonight and it was not awesome. The group was just… not that into it. I didn’t like them, and the whole ass thing was stressful and weird, but overall it was okay I guess. It was fine. Tips were not great, but whatever. I’m really fucking tired, and I think I’m honestly just guna lay down and go the fuck to sleep. Idk if that’s the best idea really, like I said, there are soooooo many things I should really be doing right now, but sometimes I really just have to give myself a fucking break. A fucking pass, you know? ugh. yeah. I really want to do stuff, with ropes and needles and objects of various temperatures and levels of rigidity. I have feelings. But I think I would be equally happy to have a simple, relaxing night in with movies and pajamas and snuggling and maybe a little making out. We’ll see how it goes. We’ll see. It’s cold. It’s getting really cold. I’m so tired. I’m going to bed.
I should be doing homework, but I’m not, and that’s like… whateva, ya know? I have lots of stuff and it’s all whateva. Next week is apparently fall break? I guess? and I think I’ll be able to hopefully catch up on some shit. Yeah, whateva. I’ll do some shit tomorrow. Ummmmm yeah. okay. Today was pretty productive overall, and I spent some time with my family. It was good. I’m fucking obsessed with rope stuff right now. Like there are so many fucking ties I want to try right now that I’m sort of overwhelmed with it. I don’t even know where to start or what I should try next. I did some practice last night and it was really good. I’m thinking maybe a full torso diamond tie, even though I know that could only be worn for a short amount of time, or like a full body ladder, but that could probably be worn for even less time lol. I just want to learn a bunch of shit, honestly. I’m like way too pre-occupied with it. I want to learn all the basic and intermediate knots and all the possible combos really, haha, dude. Like I don’t think I can really express how pre-occupied with it I am, but there’s just so much. It’s hard to know where to start, what to try next. yeah. okay. okay. yeah. I’m currently waiting for my nail polish to dry so I can go upstairs, go to bed or whatever. I dunno. I wonder if I’m actually going to have a tour tomorrow or not. It’s weird. If I don’t have one I should for sure for sure go to the gym. I need to be getting more exercise. Also I need to take everyone to the zoo or aquarium still lol. HaaaaaaaAAAaaaAAAaaaaa! I should for sure figure out what the fuck is going on about both of the 15 page papers that I have!!! I should!! For sure!! fucking deal with that. I have to come up with whole ass topics for both of them basically. I have ideas for one but fucking goose egg for the other one. My nail polish needs to hurry the fuck up and dry. It’s the “#christmasdomme” polish that the S.O picked out for me. Ugh. I’m feeling so hype and manic right now and thinking about too much stuff. I need to make more fucking money. I need to figure out when to sign up for more classes, grad school style. Oh shit, looks like I can do pre-enrollment basically whenever. Maybe I will do that soon style. Anyway, yeah. cool. I should go upstairs and like try to sleep now or what the fuck ever. Okay, peace.
Whut up birches? (the birch really is a lovely tree you know, definitely underrated) hahaha. haha. IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII feel baaaaaaaaad! Suddenly feeling super overwhelmed. Like… I have 2 15 page papers due within the next few weeks, along with my regular weekly work, *and* two freelance projects just started up again, and I’m getting pressure from clients to do more of that, and I really sorta *need* to do more of that, because I’m running very very low on money now. So like… that is a thing. Speaking of things that are things, is Dom Drop(tm) really a thing? because I kiiinnnddddaaaa feel like I’m experiencing it right now. Today. This afternoon. Right now. File that in the big folder of Things I Don’t Know How To Deal With. I feel like obsessively watching videos about how to do different types of ladder ties isn’t *exactly* the right way to deal with it, buuuut uuuhhh…. well, you saw what folder I put it in, what do you expect? I’ve been relentlessly putting forward my strongest, fiercest self (and it’s good. I like her, A Lot) but suddenly right now I am feeling… emotional implications?? of doing this so much and really just not…. leaving myself room to even *have* any type of negative emotion that could potentially make me feel weak within that head space, if that makes sense. And now they are oozing through around the edges, (and sort of trying to leak out of my eye holes, but I’m really not feelin’ that) Anyway, yeah. I dunno. whatever. I have to keep moving. I arranged for my family to meet up for dinner tonight, because I want to see them and also like… just get out of my little world for a minute?? I feel weirdly trapped. I want to go to a bar, or go to the zoo, (too late it’s closed) or really just… go anywhere, I dunno. ugh. Feelings are stupid. I should really be doing some fucking work, but I’m like…. really just not feelin’ it man. ANyway, uuuuhhhhhhhhhhhhh…. bye
I hold the world at bay and hold
Sterile needles in my hands
Breathe out slow as I push
Through and through and through
I hold the darkness at bay and hold
Knotted ropes in my hands
Heart rate slows as I pull
Through and through and through