It’s been a while since I’ve been here, and I don’t know what to say even now. Everything feels too real and raw to put here. It’s not for this and I’m not going to write it out. So why, really, am I bothering to write this at all? Good question. Maybe to just type through some banalities. One of the guides quite and moved to a different state and now I’m on every fucking day of the week and it sucks. My last two got cancelled because no one signed up, but still… waiting to see what will happen kinda wrecks my whole day. I went to the gym today for the first time in way too long. I’ve felt paralyzed. deep deep deep existential paralysis that I’m not going to get into even a little bit, but it’s made it hard for me to do my normal stuff. I can feel my goals and feel myself fucking them up, but they are behind an opaque curtain. I’m tired. I finished my (well-before actual mid-term) mid-term in a panic the other night. My own fault, but also the instructor didn’t tell us shit about what it was going to be like. He has plenty to say about nothing, platitudes and “I’m always here for you if you need anything” but he dropped the mid-term with no more instruction than “it’s due the 24th”. And it was 10 questions that seemed like all short answer, and I gave myself 6 hours (not counting extra time for procrastination) to do it. It wasn’t. I got to the last question 35 minutes before the deadline and it’s a prompt for a while fucking paper. It’s 3 questions in one, asking for citations from a shit ton of different texts. It was a question that I could have answered in a 5 page paper, and I had 35 minutes. So I started freaking the fuck out and typing full speed, pulling things from my brain and re-using things I’d quoted in earlier questions because I didn’t have time to look up a bunch of new shit. Full panic mode I wrote and wrote until 11:58, and got it turned in at 11:59. Brutal. I was expecting probably a C, a B if I was lucky, I got fucking 94%, so that’s cool. But I was still super pissed at the instructor for not telling us to set aside like… 3 fucking days to take this test. He was just like “here it is”. Whatever. anyway, whatever. Right now I don’t technically have anything due, but I have stuff due tomorrow, and I would rather get it done now. It’s all a lot and it’s also a lot and yeah. I’m trying to do right by everyone, and neglecting myself in a bunch of different ways. I don’t want to think about it anymore. I’m just going to go
I can hold still for 180 seconds
Flawless stillness for that long at least
And I’ll teach you games if you’ll
Teach me games
And I’ll learn to play if you’ll
Learn to play
Perspective is such a strange and illusive thing. I feel afraid I’ll curse myself, somehow, by writing here, and I rap my knuckles on wood. The new neighbors have a child, and possibly an illegal pet of some kind. A cat, probably, because I haven’t heard barking. I did hear a *ton* of child footsteps charging up and down the stairs, and delighted squeals and crying. It would suck to live here with a kid. People came to do an inspection of our apartment, because another company is considering buying the complex. I don’t know what that means for the future of us living here, but I guess we’ll see. I should try to sleep now, for a couple hrs, but I’m many things and tired is only one.