I experienced a moment of pure happiness today. A tiny, fleeting moment. Sitting between my parents, sipping a beer, listening to a pretty okay little band playing a grateful dead cover. I had just talked to my brother, shared some musical ideas and he liked them. He liked them and I could see him spark. For an instant, sitting there, I was deeply, profoundly happy. And then it passed. It passed and the world crashed back double force, leaving me feeling absolutely wrecked. I don’t even have the words to talk about it. Maybe I’m just tired. I know I haven’t gotten enough sleep for a few days in a row. Maybe it’s hormones, I think I’m pretty close to my period. Maybe I shouldn’t have drank a beer. I haven’t had anything to drink in like a week (??) and now my traitor brain won’t stop telling me that that’s the answer to my sadness. It’s right in the freezer, nothing is stopping me from having it but me. But I’m gunna say yellow carnation. It won’t fix me. I’ve been way too trapped in my head lately and I haven’t been good at dealing with it or like… present enough probably. I need sleep. I should let myself sleep, but there are so many things I want to do. I want to work on songs and feel inspired and move my body and figure out reptile stuff and make everything right. This little gecko has been really cool. He’s slowly getting more comfortable, and less afraid of me. He lets me watch him hunt, he’s starting to see me as A Source Of Food instead of just A Frightening Giant. Maybe I should try working on these songs on paper, like written by hand style. I feel like I’ve had better luck with that method overall. Tomorrow, perhaps. I also have to run to the pet store, and maybe I’ll drag my corpus to the gym, and maybe I’ll figure out how to cut a big hole in the lid of this bin, and maybe I’ll write. But i think, tonight, I’m going to let myself off the hook. I’m going to try and get enough sleep, in the hopes that it will help. Peace.
For the freelance project I’m working on right now, my editor’s last name is “Reeder”, which I think is a pretty cool / hilarious name for an editor to have. I have to write one more article before I can go to sleep. I’ve already done three. Hold on, I’m gunna grab a topic. Mkay, got one. My eyelid has been twitching on and off all day and it’s really annoying. I should get bananas and then eat a banana. I ended up getting a new (annoyingly expensive) tub for my snake today, a bit smaller than the super huge one I tried to give her which doesn’t seem to be working out very well, but still over 3 feet long, significantly bigger than her old one. So yeah, maybe if I’m **super lucky** I’ll be able to get that set up tomorrow. It has a lot of vertical space, so I should add some branches or something for her to mess with in there. I would really like to get it set up tomorrow because A. I don’t think she’s very happy in the setup I have her in right now, and B. It’s taking up a huge amount of space in the living room. I also want to get Gekkeikan The Gecko’s eco earth substrate set up, since I just have him on paper towels right now, which is Technically Okay, but I want something better for him. I dyed the ends of my hair blue and it’s pretty cool. It’s supposed to last 10 washes but I feel like it’ll probably last more like … two?? at best?? Who knows tho. Shit, I should probably take the trash out. Like… right now. But I don’t want toooooooo. Also it’s 3:10 and I should go the fuck to sleep soon, if I have any vague hope of getting anywhere close to enough sleep. I’ve been having a lot of nightmares and there’s just …. a lot of real stuff and I don’t want to talk about it. So instead I’m going to ramble on about nothings. My next snake project after I get all of this taken care of is to hopefully double the size of the corn snake tank. Also I want to make this gecko tank look really cool since it’s in the living room. I want it to be display tank style, but nice looking hides and stuff are super expensive, and he doesn’t fucking care at all what his hides look like sooooooo … ya know…. Welp, it’s 404 am, and I’m done with my last guide and I’m going the fuck to sleep right now. bye.
‘Sup kids? It’s 2am. I’m watching / mostly listening to buzzfeed unsolved, and sort of vaguely trying to get a little bit of freelance work done. I have like… one more week before my summer classes start, and I don’t really know how I feel about that. I guess it’s fine. I guess I don’t care. I feel like I haven’t used my time off very well. (Oh, I got all A-s by the way, as far as grades for last semester go, I don’t think I’ve been here since my last frantic post about finishing my project. Straight A-s for two semesters in a row. Sooo that’s pretty cool I guess. if you care about that sort of thing.) I’m sort of working on writing a song actually, but as usual I’m trying to do something pretentious and annoyingly hard. Soooo we’ll see what happens with that. I need to do more. I guess it just doesn’t really feel much like a break?? Because I’m still doing 2 part time jobs?? It’s not exactly like… a relaxing time, I dunno. I should really be doing as many fucking freelance articles as I possibly can, because I’m aboutta be outta money. Although, I have a sort of feeling that I’m going to be doing a lot more tours than I really want to be, because one of the guides just got fired. Like… my favorite guide, the guy who’s tour I modeled a lot of my tour after. Fired for stealing money basically. Soooo that fucking leaves *two* guides, including me, plus two sort of wishy-washy sometimes guides. It’s not fucking enough, especially going into the summer season dude. It’s been busy as fuck. Last season there were 7 guides, including me, and it was still like… not quite enough. So I dunno what the fuck the owner is thinking honestly. I have a leopard gecko now. His name is Gekkeikan, and he’s super cute. He just ate like four or five crickets, so that’s cool. He’s very nervous overall but he’s slowly getting more comfortable with me. He hunted all his crickets while I was watching this time. (it’s super cute, omg). I’m having some snake tank issues and it’s super annoying but I’m trying my best to get that taken care of as well… soooo yeah! Okay! I’m gunna go ahead and head out now I think. I don’t know what I’m trying to say here really at all. I’m tired and I’m going to go do at least one freelance article I guess and yeah. Peace.
It’s the last week of the semester. Two of my big final projects are done, and I have two to go. I’m a little worried about them both, in the way that I haven’t actually really started either, haven’t even settled on a topic for one. (and the other one, the focus of my topic is slightly shifting as I find sources I can theoretically use). By Friday, this time period will be done. This gut punch anxiety won’t feel quite like this anymore. I’m restless and it’s probably because I drank a whole pot of coffee. It’s fucking roasting in here too. It’s so goddamn hot. I sacrificed the bit of cool air that was seeping down the stairs in an attempt to help Ren sleep. They have work in the early early time of the day. I want to go to wal-mart and get some groceries. I’m sick of not having like… any type of food in the house and always picking up food and shit. I want to be one of those people who meal prep and have their shit together in a real way. I want to learn how to make more things that are healthy. I know right now that’s just my procrastination impulse kicking in, and really I need to fucking ignore it, because there is toooo goddamn much for me to do and it’s already like 10pm. Okay, I’m going to get started on everything. I might be back here in a bit or I might not. *45 seconds later* Okay, I decided, I’m doing my paper for my poetry class about T.S. Eliot. I wanted to do it about one of the lady poets really, but like… I don’t know as much about their work, and Prufrock is one of my all time faves and it’ll be easier, and three days before the paper’s due isn’t the time to like… Take A Stand And Write About Women For The Sake of Writing About Women. Three days before the paper’s due is time to Take The Easy Way Out And Get That Shit Done Son.
*a couple hours later*
I wrote about 2.5 pages of my bullshit 25 page paper, and i’m starting on my poetry paper now. (I also killed the enormous cockroach that has been camping out in our bathroom, tormenting us, for fucking ever). If I alternate, writing two pages of the long one and one page of the poetry one, I’ll be able to get them both done at around the same time, and also maybe I won’t **completely** lose my mind in the process. Alternating between projects helps me sometimes. We’ll see. (Also, do you know how fucking annoying it is to have to write one paper in MLA format and another paper in APA format??! It’s annoying as hell. Also, APA is fucking stupid and way overly complicated and it can suck my whole dick)
*like another hour later or something*
Poetry paper is now underway as well. Everything is happening, but I *think* I’m going to let myself go lay down for a little while now?? Really not sure what’s happening, but I think that’s what I’m going to do for now. Mkay. Maybe I’ll write more later on here or something. Peace.