I experienced a moment of pure happiness today. A tiny, fleeting moment. Sitting between my parents, sipping a beer, listening to a pretty okay little band playing a grateful dead cover. I had just talked to my brother, shared some musical ideas and he liked them. He liked them and I could see him spark. For an instant, sitting there, I was deeply, profoundly happy. And then it passed. It passed and the world crashed back double force, leaving me feeling absolutely wrecked. I don’t even have the words to talk about it. Maybe I’m just tired. I know I haven’t gotten enough sleep for a few days in a row. Maybe it’s hormones, I think I’m pretty close to my period. Maybe I shouldn’t have drank a beer. I haven’t had anything to drink in like a week (??) and now my traitor brain won’t stop telling me that that’s the answer to my sadness. It’s right in the freezer, nothing is stopping me from having it but me. But I’m gunna say yellow carnation. It won’t fix me. I’ve been way too trapped in my head lately and I haven’t been good at dealing with it or like… present enough probably. I need sleep. I should let myself sleep, but there are so many things I want to do. I want to work on songs and feel inspired and move my body and figure out reptile stuff and make everything right. This little gecko has been really cool. He’s slowly getting more comfortable, and less afraid of me. He lets me watch him hunt, he’s starting to see me as A Source Of Food instead of just A Frightening Giant. Maybe I should try working on these songs on paper, like written by hand style. I feel like I’ve had better luck with that method overall. Tomorrow, perhaps. I also have to run to the pet store, and maybe I’ll drag my corpus to the gym, and maybe I’ll figure out how to cut a big hole in the lid of this bin, and maybe I’ll write. But i think, tonight, I’m going to let myself off the hook. I’m going to try and get enough sleep, in the hopes that it will help. Peace.


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