a feeling of instability is what really gnaws at me. Whether it’s 100% just my perception, or… not just my perception, it gnaws, and I’m still working on ways to get the jaws to release.
It’s late, I should be in bed if I want to get enough sleep, but I’m not in bed. I’m examining the balloon of feelings inside of my chest. It inflates, at night, when I’m alone. My dad called me earlier, after I texted them to tell them I was doing a tour, to tell me that they were out looking at houses, for me. They are eager to help me achieve this goal, they want to help me, they want to be able to make it happen soon, and my feelings balloon inside my chest.
I’m just … trying. At everything, I’m trying. I want to be good (lol) To myself, as well as to those around me, as well as in general, in the sense of being a good person. I’m just … trying. At everything, I’m trying.
I feel weird and sort of directionless not doing school stuff. Also sort of guilty, like I’m not doing enough. Like I don’t deserve this time, like one little night job a couple days a week isn’t doing enough. I would feel better if I was working more on my personal projects but I haven’t been, so there’s that. I will, okay? I will. I don’t have to write it in order, I just have to write it. I have one more week, as of today, before the semester starts. I want to feel like I deserve this time, Like I earned it. Why can’t I validate myself in this way?
I have to submit my “Intention to graduate” by September 4th. I have to apply for and take the big comprehensive examination not too long after that. I don’t even know what the fuck that’s going to be… or what kind of material it’s going to cover… sooo I need to figure that out soon. I should talk to my advisor / the head of my program. (I should talk to her a lot, and form some sort of actual connection with her so I can use her as a reference)
This shit is long-winded as hell, and I don’t know if it’s useful or not but uuuhhh….. Iiiiiiii wrote it! Fuck, I should totally go to bed. It’s late as fuck. I’m gunna try to do that now. Peace.