Lego

I just want this time to feel joyous and celebratory, but of course that’s not how the fuck it works. It’s fraught like every moment of being alive is fraught. Something I’ve been dreaming about and hoping for and trying to work toward for years. It’s finally, finally real and it’s better than i could have hoped and i love it but i can’t feel joy. At least not for longer than a moment. Cool. Cool. Cccccccccool. So many emotions already happening. Excitement, disbelief, thick Anxiety about making this work, affording this place, living up to what my family expects of me. And now… More. Anger and also some different type of anger and also regret, about what one little sentence could set in motion. A weariness that sits heavy like a fog. That sneaks lead into my bones. The mirrors in this house, the reflections in the windows, are showing so much of me and I’m having real bad body issues about it, on top of everything. Feeling disgusted (whathaveIdone?) Lead in my bones. Navigate. Try to move. What the actual fuck should i do? I should try to sleep probably. It’s late and tomorrow is a whole ‘nother thing. Peace

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