First draft of the big part of my dissertation is due on Friday. I’m freaked. It’s what I’m going to spend all day tomorrow on… Because i have to. I should definitely have gone to bed a lot earlier but instead i stayed up till 3am writing song lyrics lol. Cool priorities bro! Thanks bro! I totally finished a song tho. (I think it’s finished. I’m pretty happy with it). A bunch of stuff is going on and i want to say a lot of stuff But… You know what they say… Time crunches all wounds. So i better try to sleep. I had a dream earlier about being in a really big really sick house and there were like these demons (?) That wanted to serve me, and it was pretty cool and kinda hot, so maybe I’ll get to fall back into that dreamscape. We’ll see. Peace.
A rainy Halloween morning with leaves on the ground. The perfect crispness to the air, and I’m ready for you, ghosts. Two Octobers sacrificed upon your alter, the veil at it’s weakest, all hallows and all, and I’m ready for you.
Hey, what’s up? I’m drunk and upset and I’m aboutta talk, so leave or buckle up. I should probably just get my stomach stapled, because i can’t fucking figure out how to deal with this another way. My insurance probably won’t cover it tho. I’ve done a bit of research. Research helps me interact with my world, and I’m so fucking resentful of people who can just eat lol. People who can put stuff in their bodies without having to do a bunch of mental math, a pros and cons list, and a full tally of everything else they consumed that day. I can’t even fucking imagine what that would be like… And it’s wild depressing to think that even if…. Somehow…. I manage to get my body to a place I’m happy with, I’m going to have to perform those equations every day for the rest of my life, or I’ll lose my progress and revert. But no. It’s fucked up to think like that, no. It’s not healthy to think like that. i just want to be small, and strong. That’s it. Those are the things that i want. I want to be small, and i want to be strong. It rained all day and it’s beautiful. October October October you’ve gone so fast, and I’m afraid. Need to vote. Need to get a flu shot. Need to finish studying for this exam and then take this exam. Need to find a way to deal with my whole body and life situation. I’m tired for real. I’m not as patient and composed as i used to be, and i find myself feeling… It doesn’t matter. I’m nervous about getting a job after i graduate. I’m going to need to do so immediately, and it’s going to need to pay well. I’m already feeling that pressure and I’m still trying to finish school. I want to get a fucking house, but that’s quite a gamble with no sure source of income. Quite a fucking gamble, but I’ll take the chance. There are still some things i haven’t tried. There are still things i can figure out. Peace
I’m starting to feel a genuine panic about these exams and my dissertation now. Everything is started… but I really need to be devoting more time to it on the daily. A week from tomorrow (technically today) is my English concentration exam. I’m kinda freaked about it, but not suuuuper freaked. I need to do some studying, to make sure I really know wtf I’m doing, and I need to look through the examples that were provided in greater detail, but really that one is more of a … either you have the skills to do the thing, or you don’t, and I’m reasonably confident that I do. 8 days after that, my core comprehensive exam is due. I’ve started sifting through all the provided resources for that one, but I haven’t actually started writing it. I’m going to try to start tomorrow. The research section of my dissertation is due five days after that. Soooo…. oooo…. oooooo…. yeah. I’m pretty fucking stressed about all of that, honestly. I’m trying to keep it cool, keep my shit together, but I’m freaked. It doesn’t help that I have a shit ton of tours all the time, and personal projects I want to work on, and just… lots of other things that I want to do that aren’t working on school shit. I dunno. I’m trying my best to just be strong as fuck and take care of everything, but I feel overwhelmed, and tired, and gross bad stuff about my body, and wary, and leery, and possessive and protective, and generally scared, and overwhelmed, and tired. yeah. y-y-y-y-y-yeah. I got paid today, which is cool, since I have to pay a bunch of bills and I’m generally very broke. I got a decently big check actually, because it’s October and I’ve been doing a shit ton of tours. My tour tonight was weird, weird group, weird energy, super draining. But it’s done… until tomorrow. I should go lay down now, so that’s what I’m going to do. Peace.
I haven’t known what to say for a minute. I’ve been captivating audiences and probing my limits. October to October, a lot has happened, and I’m the version of myself that it happened to. That’s real and that’s real and that’s true. The first week of October is through
I just emailed my advisor to ask if I actually need to take this creative writing class in order to graduate or not. Looking at my program of study, it really looks like I don’t fucking need it, and if that’s actually the case, I’m going to drop that shit, like… tomorrow… like a hot ass burning ass flaming ass potato. Still, even though I’m pretty sure, I’m going to wait to hear from her before dropping it, just in case, because I really don’t want to ruin everything by being impatient. But yeah, if I can drop it, I’m totally going to drop it. I’ll take that W, and I’ll get on with my life. I have a fucking month long exam to take, that’s basically like another class in and of itself, plus my dissertation and my other exam, just… fuck it man. I’d rather put my creative energies toward making music at this point anyway, and not into trying to please the sensibilities of one particular pretentious old dude.
I’m going to Taos on Tuesday, with my mom and my brother. I really don’t want to, honestly, especially because of how much shit I have to do, and how limited my time feels, but it’s something that my mom really wants, and it’s really the least I can do, considering how much she does for me, and how much she wants to do for me. She’s literally trying to sell this condo so that she can help me with a down payment for a house, so like… the least I can fucking do is go up there with her, and help her take the stuff that she wants to keep, and just… be there for her. It’s the least I can fucking do, and really I’m a selfish, ungrateful asshole for feeling like I don’t want to go. (
but I still feel like I don’t want to go) I don’t want to do the 2 1/2 hour drive twice in two days, I don’t want to sleep on a weird pallet thing in a weird place, I don’ t want to spend one of the only 2 nights this week that I *for sure* don’t have a tour away from home. I don’t want to leave my S.O., ((my fiancee)), for a variety of complex reasons that frankly aren’t the internet’s business. But I’m going to go, because it’s the right thing to do, and I have to live my life, you know? yeah. It’s such a small thing, like really, in the scheme of things, but it sure is stressing me right the fuck out, hardcore stress on stress stressing me the fuck out.
Aaaaaaaaaaanyway, I should really go the fuck to sleep now. I was supposed to be working on my C.W assignment, but now I’m pretty dang sure I’m guna drop that shit, so I stopped working on it, and I’ll finish it up tomorrow real quick and dirty style if it turns out I can’t drop it. Time for bed. peace.
First day of fall. This time last year i was a ghost apprentice still, but only for another week or so. It was my first semester in grad school. Now it’s my last and I’m getting ready to sacrifice another October to this stupid job. I’m so used to it, it’s been a year, but sometimes it still hits me, how fucking weird it is. Here i am, telling ghost stories to 18 strangers. Performing and public speaking and lecturing somehow all at once. Here i fucking am. I wonder what they say about me when I’m not there. Rule Following Pretentious Lady asked me today if i was done with school, because she had heard i was closer, and that i was doing a lot of stuff. I was like… No, it’s my last semester, I’m writing my dissertation and i have to take two fucking comprehensive exams. So they talk about me, that’s true. I have the first little section of my dissertation due in less than a week, that’s true. I had an excellent weekend and i didn’t want it to end, that’s true. I should sleep now. Peace.