I want the words i put here to fix everything. I want to put an ellipses in the skin of my foot and i want it to stay forever. An omission between two thoughts, for me to fill in myself. I want to be fucking everything it takes to be a good partner. A support and a rock and a stalking leopard. I want to be the needed strength, and need nothing. And that’s it. I want the words i put here to fix everything.
Just wanna cry, i don’t know how to spark excitement in your eyes. If not for me or us or home i dunno. I’ll try. Fuck I’ve been trained up by society. Still always tryna unprogram that shit inside me. Learn to say, full, what i do or don’t need. Find a way to avoid the aquarium of my dreams. Sleep, sleep on my leg. for a moment, all is safe in that mutagenic space. Charged with hope and holes and hate. Who am I? Who have i ever been? A shaken fighter in a ring with no clear rim.
I’ve always hated interacting with the fans of things that i love. You don’t love it the right way. Your thoughts upon it tarnish it. I don’t want to hear what it means to you. No. It twists my guts up. I’ve always sucked at interacting. At trying to relate, on an even keel, it lights my guts up. I can perform. I can perform 90 minute presentations where i spark and entertain. i can perform 5 minute conversations where i hit all the right social cues but gain nothing. Yeah. It is what it is. I am
I just want this time to feel joyous and celebratory, but of course that’s not how the fuck it works. It’s fraught like every moment of being alive is fraught. Something I’ve been dreaming about and hoping for and trying to work toward for years. It’s finally, finally real and it’s better than i could have hoped and i love it but i can’t feel joy. At least not for longer than a moment. Cool. Cool. Cccccccccool. So many emotions already happening. Excitement, disbelief, thick Anxiety about making this work, affording this place, living up to what my family expects of me. And now… More. Anger and also some different type of anger and also regret, about what one little sentence could set in motion. A weariness that sits heavy like a fog. That sneaks lead into my bones. The mirrors in this house, the reflections in the windows, are showing so much of me and I’m having real bad body issues about it, on top of everything. Feeling disgusted (whathaveIdone?) Lead in my bones. Navigate. Try to move. What the actual fuck should i do? I should try to sleep probably. It’s late and tomorrow is a whole ‘nother thing. Peace
A golden glow around my heart
It’s Christmas. A lot of stuff has been happening… Like… A lot. I got my Master’s degree. Officially. We *might* be getting a fucking house, like for real. *Knock on wood* and my brother and i finished our five song EP. We’re going to be giving it to our parents in the morning, as a gift. For this reason, I’m more nervous and excited about Christmas morning than i have been since i was a literal child. I’m definitely nervous, but also, so excited. I just hope it goes well. I hope all of this goes well. *Knock on wood* I’m gonna try and sleep now i guess, even though that seems impossible. We’ll see. Peace.
It feels good to be working on music stuff again. A month to get it done, i need to get these lyrics finished. 3 songs written and two to go, all of them flowers. Oh, also I’ll be done with grad school by then. I have the third section of my dissertation due Friday. Everything is crazy. Baby showers are affairs of primal femininity. Sacred in a way that i didn’t understand as a kid. I’m daunted by the fact that i need to immediately get a well paying job. Like… Immediately after i graduate. Daunted and haunted by the spectre of my own body. Pretty fucking wild to try and get a house in a world where i don’t even really know what kind of income I’m gonna be able to produce. That’s some type of pressure. Feels like a significant gamble. My knowledge a gambit i can’t judge the value of. Flowers and floundering figments and love.