A golden glow around my heart
It’s Christmas. A lot of stuff has been happening… Like… A lot. I got my Master’s degree. Officially. We *might* be getting a fucking house, like for real. *Knock on wood* and my brother and i finished our five song EP. We’re going to be giving it to our parents in the morning, as a gift. For this reason, I’m more nervous and excited about Christmas morning than i have been since i was a literal child. I’m definitely nervous, but also, so excited. I just hope it goes well. I hope all of this goes well. *Knock on wood* I’m gonna try and sleep now i guess, even though that seems impossible. We’ll see. Peace.
It feels good to be working on music stuff again. A month to get it done, i need to get these lyrics finished. 3 songs written and two to go, all of them flowers. Oh, also I’ll be done with grad school by then. I have the third section of my dissertation due Friday. Everything is crazy. Baby showers are affairs of primal femininity. Sacred in a way that i didn’t understand as a kid. I’m daunted by the fact that i need to immediately get a well paying job. Like… Immediately after i graduate. Daunted and haunted by the spectre of my own body. Pretty fucking wild to try and get a house in a world where i don’t even really know what kind of income I’m gonna be able to produce. That’s some type of pressure. Feels like a significant gamble. My knowledge a gambit i can’t judge the value of. Flowers and floundering figments and love.
First draft of the big part of my dissertation is due on Friday. I’m freaked. It’s what I’m going to spend all day tomorrow on… Because i have to. I should definitely have gone to bed a lot earlier but instead i stayed up till 3am writing song lyrics lol. Cool priorities bro! Thanks bro! I totally finished a song tho. (I think it’s finished. I’m pretty happy with it). A bunch of stuff is going on and i want to say a lot of stuff But… You know what they say… Time crunches all wounds. So i better try to sleep. I had a dream earlier about being in a really big really sick house and there were like these demons (?) That wanted to serve me, and it was pretty cool and kinda hot, so maybe I’ll get to fall back into that dreamscape. We’ll see. Peace.
A rainy Halloween morning with leaves on the ground. The perfect crispness to the air, and I’m ready for you, ghosts. Two Octobers sacrificed upon your alter, the veil at it’s weakest, all hallows and all, and I’m ready for you.
Hey, what’s up? I’m drunk and upset and I’m aboutta talk, so leave or buckle up. I should probably just get my stomach stapled, because i can’t fucking figure out how to deal with this another way. My insurance probably won’t cover it tho. I’ve done a bit of research. Research helps me interact with my world, and I’m so fucking resentful of people who can just eat lol. People who can put stuff in their bodies without having to do a bunch of mental math, a pros and cons list, and a full tally of everything else they consumed that day. I can’t even fucking imagine what that would be like… And it’s wild depressing to think that even if…. Somehow…. I manage to get my body to a place I’m happy with, I’m going to have to perform those equations every day for the rest of my life, or I’ll lose my progress and revert. But no. It’s fucked up to think like that, no. It’s not healthy to think like that. i just want to be small, and strong. That’s it. Those are the things that i want. I want to be small, and i want to be strong. It rained all day and it’s beautiful. October October October you’ve gone so fast, and I’m afraid. Need to vote. Need to get a flu shot. Need to finish studying for this exam and then take this exam. Need to find a way to deal with my whole body and life situation. I’m tired for real. I’m not as patient and composed as i used to be, and i find myself feeling… It doesn’t matter. I’m nervous about getting a job after i graduate. I’m going to need to do so immediately, and it’s going to need to pay well. I’m already feeling that pressure and I’m still trying to finish school. I want to get a fucking house, but that’s quite a gamble with no sure source of income. Quite a fucking gamble, but I’ll take the chance. There are still some things i haven’t tried. There are still things i can figure out. Peace
I’m starting to feel a genuine panic about these exams and my dissertation now. Everything is started… but I really need to be devoting more time to it on the daily. A week from tomorrow (technically today) is my English concentration exam. I’m kinda freaked about it, but not suuuuper freaked. I need to do some studying, to make sure I really know wtf I’m doing, and I need to look through the examples that were provided in greater detail, but really that one is more of a … either you have the skills to do the thing, or you don’t, and I’m reasonably confident that I do. 8 days after that, my core comprehensive exam is due. I’ve started sifting through all the provided resources for that one, but I haven’t actually started writing it. I’m going to try to start tomorrow. The research section of my dissertation is due five days after that. Soooo…. oooo…. oooooo…. yeah. I’m pretty fucking stressed about all of that, honestly. I’m trying to keep it cool, keep my shit together, but I’m freaked. It doesn’t help that I have a shit ton of tours all the time, and personal projects I want to work on, and just… lots of other things that I want to do that aren’t working on school shit. I dunno. I’m trying my best to just be strong as fuck and take care of everything, but I feel overwhelmed, and tired, and gross bad stuff about my body, and wary, and leery, and possessive and protective, and generally scared, and overwhelmed, and tired. yeah. y-y-y-y-y-yeah. I got paid today, which is cool, since I have to pay a bunch of bills and I’m generally very broke. I got a decently big check actually, because it’s October and I’ve been doing a shit ton of tours. My tour tonight was weird, weird group, weird energy, super draining. But it’s done… until tomorrow. I should go lay down now, so that’s what I’m going to do. Peace.