Quarantine

What up? Still here. Hope you guys are too. It’s fucking bitter Stone hard to deal with this right now. That’s true. And how the fuck am I supposed to care about writing a paper about fucking Shakespeare? *some snotty academic person’s voice* “Well, when Shakespeare was in quarantine for the black plague he wrote King Lear, so you should stop complaining and get stuff done.” Okay bitch, first of all? King Lear fucking sucks. Have you read that shit? It’s about a stupid old dude who doesn’t understand the subtleties of language, so he disowns his daughter and fucks up his whole kingdom. It’s boring. It feels like something someone who was really fucking bored wrote, because they wanted to spread their boredom around like rats spread the black plague. Second of all, who the fuck are you to presume to tell anyone else how to deal with a traumatic and unprecedented situation? No one. That’s who.

And at the same time I feel sort of weirdly connected to all of humanity in a way I never have before. The closest thing I can compare it to is how I feel about the Olympics. The whole world is looking toward this one thing, at the same time, together. We are all seeing ourselves and each other and we’re all just bopping around trying our fucking best, even though most people’s best is an idiot. It’s like that except not at all like that. It’s scary. It opens a pit in my stomach. It opens up pits in our stomachs. We’re all alone in our little houses, but we’re all here together. I watch my family’s little faces on my little screen. I force myself to feel grounded. I weave and try to do everything I can. I make a scarf, I work on my stupid paint with diamonds. I try to make an old story actually good. I record myself telling stories. I build forts and pet my dog and pet my significant other. I stress the fuck out over grocery lists, and trying and trying and trying to make sure everything gets on there. To make sure everyone gets what they need and they don’t need to go out. Don’t go out. Please don’t go out.

Hypervigilance

Everything falls away. ” You’ve been so smart lately’ my mom tells me. It’s because in a crisis (and this is … A crisis) my brain fires a million miles an hour, a million thoughts per minute. Like if it computes fast enough it can come up with an answer. It can find a solution. And as much as it can it does. It comes up with lots of helpful, thoughtful things. But it makes it near impossible for me to keep focus, and it makes me exhausted. I don’t care. I don’t care. I just want to keep them safe. I want to bring sparks of joy to them. I want to cross sword and shield to protect them. I want to hug them all close to my chest. but i can’t. So instead my mind will run a million miles per hour. Stay safe.

11

Tomorrow (today) is my lil brother’s birthday. So I’m going to see him, and my family, and that’s good. That’s good. I’ll give him the cute Lil present i got him. We’ll go for a walk in the Bosque. Then we’re probably going to meet up at his house in the evening for beer and a scary movie or something. It’s good. I won’t take it for granted. I want to be there for every moment. I’m feeling heartbroken about politics right now. Like literally I’m about to start crying if i think about it too much, or try to talk about it. Feels like watching an explosion in super slow mo, and drawing faces on the smoke. Feels like the end of the era where i called myself a Democrat. If this is what they’re like, I’m not that. Sometimes when the veil lifts there’s just more fucking veils under there. Time to sleep. Time to try and think with some positivity

Playlist #1.618: rites and wrongs and tiktok songs

Back at it again with some suffering! A.K.A. trying to do some assignments now so I can have fun later. It’s kinda hilarious that I have been using the same chromebook since forever, and it’s still kickin’, and I haven’t had a windows or mac computer in like… literal years. I did my entire masters degree on this thing and now I’m working on a doctorate and it’s still working. I got this thing for like $150 or less and it has held uuuup. Alright, time to write some shit about Hamlet. Speaking of ghosts …

Teddy Hyde – sex with a ghost

Speaking of sex, I just caught a Shakespearean sex joke that I never noticed before, so that’s always good. Dude was like “yeah, I’m doing pretty good. If fortune was a woman, I wouldn’t be riding high on her hat, but I’m not under her shoes either. And then hamlet was like … cool, so you’re in the middle? Like… in her privates?

Bryce Fox – horns

My back hurts pretty bad from sitting in this uncomfortable office chair so much recently. It’s like … mad uncomfortable. Anyway, my Hamlet assignment is done and now I just have to do the Macbeth one and then I can be done for tonight. Cool. Okay. Let’s make my brain do the thing.

Phildel – the wolf

I’m going on a weird mission with my family tomorrow morning to get a bunch of firewood. (like… a truckload of firewood.) I’m pretty stoked about having the wood, slightly less stoked about the whole prospect of … waking up early and doing all of it. But it’s worth it, and I’m doing it, and it might be kinda fun, so that’s that.

Mother mother – the stand

Bam. Done. Peace.

Heyoooooo

my left ear is congested and has been for a few days and it’s driving me insane. Like earlier I almost had a panic attack about it. Like… that feeling of (relatively slight) pressure just started freaking me the fuck out and my brain was like “you can’t breathe! you’re drowning or something! You’re gunna die!” And I was like … what?? I’m definitely not?? And my brain was like YES. YOU. ARE. So that’s cool. *thumbs up emoji* Seems like my kindle is basically dead forever. That’s honestly fine, because I haven’t used it in like a year, at least, but I’m currently reading a library e-book, and my loan is about to expire, and I was hoping to trap it on the kindle and shut the wifi off so they couldn’t suck it back until I was done with it. Buuuut that’s okay. Somehow I’m on episode 18 of the magnus archives podcast, I haven’t really been listening to it tho. It’s just on in the background of my headphones when I’m alone here at night, in the office. Well, I’m not really alone. There’s a dog laying on a dog bed about four feet away from me. I like that, a lot. She’s snoring. I’m glad she’s here. I have another quiz tomorrow and I’m trying to actually study for it, because the last one didn’t go that well. But it’s hard and I’m annoyed. I think ima take a melatonin and try to actually fucking sleep a reasonable style amount. It’s gunna be okay. I’m gonna finish all of my work, no worries, and I’ll figure everything else out, I promise. I’ll make sure everything gets taken care of in a timely and easy as possible manner (i promise). It’s gunna be okay. It’s a leap year, which I think is good luck. An extra day in the shortest month. More bang for my buck on my February mortgage. Time for me to sleep. peace.

Evolution

Just took a linguistics quiz, and that shit was haaarrrrrrd lol. I thought I would be able to just breeze through it but I, in fact, could not. Maybe I *can’t* just breeze the fuck through my doctoral program like I’ve breezed through basically all the classes I’ve ever taken in my life* (*except for math). Maybe I’ll actually have to *gasps* study.  Still, it’s honestly really nice to be taking a class that has quizzes and exams and that don’t require me to write thousand-page papers. (oh wait, I just remembered that I actually had to write a 6 page paper for this class like a week ago lollll) Anyway, I’m going to see The Used on Friday night. One of my all time emo faves, and I’ve never gotten to see them live before* (*I’m pretty sure. Like … 96% sure) And I’m actually pretty stoked about it, now that I’m in a space where I can let myself feel emotions about myself as an individual. Right now I’m going through and listening to some of their newer stuff, that I’m not as familiar with, so I can be ready. Anyway, it’s making me feel a little like my teenage self, except in a sort of pleasantly nostalgic way, and not a scary / depressing way. So yeah, hopefully it’ll be fun. I haven’t been to this type of a show in a long time, and it’s good for me, catharsis styles. *morphs into that one 60 year old dude in the mosh pit with a backbrace* I have a bunch of shit I have to do tomorrow, and instead of trying to stay up and do it all right now, and then ending up getting another Terrible, Broken Night’s Sleep(tm), I’m going to try and actually let myself sleep. Peace.

v-day

My heart hurts. A really sad thing happened today(yesterday) and my heart hurts. I spent three hours with my parents, trying to make them feel better, trying to be good and strong. But it’s fucking sad. They’re sad and I’m sad for them, and for myself.

We have a dog now. it’s good. She just came to see me, maybe because I was crying, maybe because she has to pee. I should check. But we’re keeping her, everyone knows now, I think my parents were at least a little bit happy to hear me talking about it, and I feel like it’s the right decision. But right now my heart hurts so it’s hard for me to feel any of the right things. And tomorrow is valentine’s day, a 3 day weekend even. I just want to have fun, and be a good partner, but my heart hurts.