stretch and strain and stars and rain

almost 4am. I’m doing some curation. Very tired but I just drank a little coffee. Put my hair up, put my headphones in. I’m going to concentrate as hard as I can and do as much as I can in the next two hours, and then I’m going to get 6 hours sleep and immediately wake up and start again. Okay? okay. Okay? okay. It’s a race against other curators this time, which really sucks honestly. I would rather just get to claim a certain amount and then do those. I really don’t like having to compete like that, you know what I mean? you know? you know what I mean? But whatever. freelancers can’t be freechoosers. I always say it, but I should get a real job. Maybe I’ll put a concerted effort into doing so after this trip happens. I dunno. Maybe I should have gone to law school or some shit lol. I guess I technically still could but it would be really hard and also suck and also I would have to get loans which… as I already mentioned… would suck. I dunno. I feel like I’m just… wasting my brain sometimes, you know? Like… it’s a really good brain and what am I even using it for? Also my muscles are strong and capable and what am I even using them for? Aaaaaanyyyhooo……. instead of spiraling into some sort of weird identity crisis right here and now in this little white box, I’m going to get to work, like, how I said I was going to.

Now it’s 5am and it’s going okay honestly. Like… not amazing but okay. I should definitely keep going like a lot. a lot a lot a lot. yeah. Okay, so, yeah. peace.

*** two days later ***

Okay, so, now it’s 12:30am like two days after I originally started this entry. Soooo basically, it looks like this curation project is about to wrap up…. and by that, I mean that it looks like everyone else is basically done for the night, and I’m going to stay awake forever and finish literally all that’s left. Also, I have to do another transcription thing for that other thing. Also, this girl I like and I’m trying to forge a ~tentative~ friendship with asked me to read over her ~~erotic~~story and give her notes and I said I would, even though I’m honestly not awesome at giving criticism, and and it’s really not my favorite thing to do… but people ask me because of my whole… writing thing.  ** 10 minutes later** lol uh-oh. so far so not so good. She said to be brutally honest, (like her dance teacher is) but delivering brutality is not where my strength lies, so… we’ll see how it goes.

**5.5hours later** It’s now 6am. I’m deliriously tired and starting to hallucinate bugs a little bit lol. Also, I worked for like …. I wanna say 16 hours today?? that’s how long it seems like. Let’s calculate. lol yeah, actually, that’s about right. **thumbs up** People came online again at like 3am and I had to race them and I totally stole some from people who claimed hundreds of lines at a time, like bitch, that’s against the rules they said to claim as you go not put your name on hundreds of lines and then do them at your fucking leisure. Naw son, I’m here now and want to do them now, you can’t call dibs. Soooo I stole some they claimed. I could have done more even, but it’s 6am and I’m just toooo fucking tired. I did like 1,800 lines today. lololololol holy shit my dudes. I have a bunch of other misc shit I have to take care of tomorrow, so I should definitely definitely fucking stop writing this and let myself peace the fuck out into sleep time land. Oh, shit, before I forget to mention it / forget it ever happened, speaking of sleepy time land, the other night (like 2 or 3 nights ago idk, time is all fucked up for me right now) I had a dream that Amanda Palmer was giving me a full back stick and poke tattoo. lmfao. It was like… full color, like a shilouette of a lady standing by a tree with a bunch of colorful flowers around it?? and like… I didn’t even like it that much?? but it felt nice and Amanda Palmer was giving it to me so I just fucking went with it. yeah. that was a dream I had. yeah. cool. Idk why I even told you that honestly it’s so random but also now it is preserved forever. tight. I’m very tired. bro. dude. dude. bro. I should cut my nails but I also don’t want to and I’m fucking tired and I’m going to bed now peace out.

I am the king, queen, and vice regent of procrastonia. Others may challenge my claim, but I defeat them all with my blatant disregard. After going to the store today I now have 11 cents in my bank account. Fucking sweet bro. Fucking nailing it. Whatever. I can’t talk about it anymore right now. Peace out.

Booooks n such

I ignored all of my responsibilities today, instead allowed myself to get lost in reading, finishing one book and cutting through 200 pages of its sequel. I also went on an hour long bike ride in the chill and the rain and the beautiful fullness of night. Tomorrow I have much to make up for, much to catch up on, but I think that’s okay.

OoOOooooOOooooOooo

Feeling slightly better today, stronger  (right now anyway). Why?? ?? Couldn’t really tell you. I have the exact same $-4 that I had yesterday, and tomorrow I really have to actually deal with that, since the bill is due Saturday. Even so, I feel stronger. Fucking follow me unwanted today. I got a super tiny batch of wedding guides, 5 of em. $100 for -one month from now- me. That’s nice. I wish I would have gotten (or even ever fucking heard back from) that tour guide job I applied for. I would have been genuinely good at it, just saying. I’m having an awfully hard time concentrating on wedding writing bullshit. It’s so tedious and my brain is not into it at all. But… I’m doing it. It’s happening. All of my music is making me want to cry lol. wtf even am I?

One down four to go. I think I’m going to switch to doing two at once now and then it’ll just be two sets of two and that’s no big fucking deal bro. They’re due in like 3 hours or something which is like an hour more than I strictly need… though I should still not waste too much time. I’m tired. I would drink more coffee but my heart is not feeling tired lol. Strength, stay with me. You taste like pasta but I like kissing you. I wonder if I taste like honey and peanut butter.

Three down two to go. 1.5 hours to finish them both. That’s suddenly cutting it a bit close I guess, but actually sorta not really, but sorta. I just found out that two more of my snakeskin necklaces sold, which is fucking awesome because that’ll be like … $20-something. If I can get it tomorrow that would solve my $-4 problem and I could maybe even eat something besides noodles. I need to make more jewelry stuff apparently. Strength, I need another hour. please.

Five down none to go. 16 minutes to spare. I really didn’t need to cut it that close, but I loves me some procrastination apparently. Still, it’s done. It’s done and my strength is spent. I should do other things now. Applications, make some new jewelry, grind up a bunch of leaves and make a fragrant oil. We’ll see how much of that actually ends up happening. I’m tired. Fundamentally exhausted. Honestly all I want to do is read and sleep right now. **shrugs** Peace.

 

 

 

The 22nd-ing

Feeling fucking bad yo. Dejected as fuck. Guilty, worried. If I spend literally $0 I’ll have exactly $4 less than I need to pay the last credit card bill of the month. Maybe I can scrounge for some fucking change. Maybe one of you 288 people wanna hook it up for me. (Lemme know if you do! That’d be rad!I’ll give you my PayPal info!) I applied for 6 (or possibly 7 I honestly don’t remember) freelance jobs on upwork today, and I’m going to try for more tomorrow. Haven’t heard anything back yet. Haven’t been too keen to take new assignments via that website cuz they take a fucking 20% cut now but… I’ll take anything at this point. Maybe one of you 288 people want to hire me to write something. I can write fucking anything. (Lemme know if you do! That’d be rad! I’ll give you my PayPal info!) I’m tired. Fundamentally exhausted. A dude in his 40s hit on me at the store today. Like… Pretty aggressively. Like… Followed me down two separate aisles trying to engage me despite my super clear non-interest / actively trying to get away. He finally said “we should exchange numbers” and I said “I don’t want to do that. Peace.” And continued walking away and he finally left me alone. I was not in a good state to have to deal with that. Like honestly it wasn’t even that big of a deal but I was already feeling worn, sad, weak and vulnerable and it kinda fucked me up. Like… Tearing up in the car, slightly shaking status. I couldn’t even bring myself to talk about it out loud when I got home so here we fucking are. Yeah. I’m tired. Fundamentally exhausted. Tomorrow brings more applying and applying myself. Also my dad’s birthday is Saturday and I need to figure out how to get him something with my $-4. Hit me up if you wanna make a charitable donation or commission me to write literally anything. (That’d be rad! I’ll give you my PayPal info!)

On a word

Trying to pull some creative thoughts together. Trying to pull something something anything together. Trying to pull things together, in general. Oronyms and wordless hymns. My hair has gone from being too light for me to being too dark for me,  but I’m hoping it will fade and blend with a few days and a few washes. We’ll see. I should probably cut my nails again. They grow and grow, and it seems just a few days ago. Maybe this time I’ll be Regular Style enough to not have to immediately de-claw myself when the white creeps a few millimeters past the nail bed. Maybe they won’t become too-accessible weapons that I turn unthinkingly against myself. Yeah. Yeah. Y-y-y-y-yeah. sure. yeah. cool. yeah. sure. cool. yeah. I’m glad I went on a bike ride earlier. It was pretty short, but nice. It’s good for my brain. It’s like a leveled-up version of the walks I used to take by myself as a teenager. Faster, more wind. Still music and musing and a delicate balance of freed and occupied thoughts. Tomorrow I need to do a lot of things and get things in order and be responsible and shit. Time passes far too swiftly.