weary and wary. Both my freelance projects are done for the moment, and that’s what I would usually be doing right now… so I feel a little weird actually. There is a lot of school stuff I could be taking care of, but I’m currently not. I looked over all of it and it’ll be fine. I’ll do my film class first round on Thursday or Friday and my information literacy stuff Friday or Saturday, and my intro to grad stuff Saturday or Sunday and my film class second round stuff Sunday or monday, and my “ways of knowing” stuff Monday or tuesday or wednesday or whatever. It’s fine. It’ll probably be fine. So far I’m keeping up with school. I’m pretty much not nervous about my tour guide stuff anymore. I ended up not having to present yesterday, which was annoying because I stressed myself the fuck out about it so much. Instead I saw the boss lady do *her* version of the tour last night and… holy shit… let’s just say… I’m not nervous about showing her my presentation anymore. My rival still sucks and I still hate him, but he’s not going to be doing ghost tours in October at all. He’s going to be an assistant still through the whole month. Soooo ha. take that bro. Except he’ll probably assist for me sometimes, and I’m suuuper not looking forward to that. ALSO, apparently one of the full assistants (like… my favorite one) got fired for some reason. She’d been there for like 4 years, no idea what happened there… but she’s gone. That kinda sucks IMHO. I feel like they need to hire more **just assistants** but whatever. I just don’t wanna get stuck assisting basically. I’m over that assistant life. I ordered all of my equipment. I’m a little skeptical about the voice amp I picked out, but if it sucks I can probably return it in time to get another one by Monday. yeah. whateva. Tomorrow is Rosh Hoshanah, and we’re going over to my parents’ house for that. Probably guna do laundry too and whatever. As far as my personal style life and my heart soul stuff, I’m not sure how I’m doing tbh. Sometimes it seems real good. Real Good. And then other times I feel … heartsore and soulweary, and I can’t shut up the little voice that just whispers you’re not enough you’re not enough you’re not enough And I know that’s not really true. I know it’s … a lot more complicated than that. A lot more nuanced than that. But even so, even still, I can’t always (you’re not enough) logic my way out of it. It’s feelings and chemicals and visceral gut checks. And I’m tired. I’m pushing myself hard in a lot of different directions. Trying to balance, trying to find balance. Maybe I should try and sleep now. (Or maybe I’ll just watch vet ranch on YouTube and cry cuz I have built up emotions lol)
Okay. okay. okay. okay. okay. okay. I’m mostly keeping up with school. I’m mostly keeping up. I finished all my Sunday Monday stuff. Tomorrow I have a big scary thing tour-wise. The Boss Lady is going to be there, and I really don’t know how it’s going to go, but I have a feeling some sort of evaluation is going to happen, and that makes me really really really really really really really fucking nervous. Like… very nervous. Very Fucking Nervous. I should try to go back to bed, and get some sleep, so that I can get a total of around 8 hours in. I need to be well rested if I want this to go well. Sooo yeah. I finished all my homework tonight, so I can spend all of tomorrow day going through my tour stuff and preparing. I think I’m basically just going to go through the whole thing, intro to end, and brush up and make sure I’ve got all the little details down. That’s more or less my entire plan. Maybe I should stay up tonight and start doing it right now… buuut…. really… I don’t want to. Naw. I should chill and try to sleep. First I think I’m going to go test out my car and make sure that patch actually fucking worked before the S.O has to use it to get to work tomorrow. Okay, time to go do that. Okay… I **think** it’ll be alright, I think, I think, I think. *knocks on wood* I might do another test in the morning tbh. I’m trying to calm my shit down so I can catch some sleep. I’m watching vegan food reviews on youtube and trying to de-stress myself. I trust myself, mostly, I think. I can be strong. I can be strong. I’m smart. I’m strong. Okay, I’m guna stop writing this, try and watch stuff or read stuff and hopefully sleep. peace.
Fall falls and it’s safe
Fall falls and I’m safe
From prying eyes and long sleeve lies
I’m mine I’m mine I’m mine I’m mine
I’m fine I’m fine I’m fine I’m fine
I’m mine I’m only always mine
I’m fine I’m always fucking fine
It’s a funhouse dream
A gunpowder ream
Smudged haunting words
That fresh cut sting
I’m drowning in the sound or
Maybe I’m just fucking drowning
In my stagnant feeling brain
In my fleshy fleshy flesh
In cowardice and denial
In my lack of self control
Tomorrow and tomorrow
Is such bullshit it’s
Such a fucking cop out
Today is it
Today is fucking it
I promise on my bloody heart
I fucking promise on my ghost
I won’t magically be better tomorrow
Today is it
Today is really really it
Holy shit you guys. I’m suddenly feeling soooooooo fucking overwhelmed. Let’s make a list of ALL THE THINGS I have to do and also things that are happening.
- 5 freelance articles due by Monday, I’m trying to knock out some (if not all) of those tonight
- Another client keeps bugging me about that weird side project, that I really don’t have time to do, but they are threatening to exclude people who don’t do more from the next part of the project
- Weekly assignments due Sunday/Monday in two classes
- I tried to take the weekly quiz for a class and the internet briefly died after I finished the second question and the quiz was automatically submitted so I got a fucking 2/10. I e-mailed the professor and hopefully he will be cool and let me re-take it, but who fucking knows.
- I have an ACTUAL FUCKING PAPER due on Sunday, that requires 3 sources and a works cited and all of that shit. LMAO fuck.
- I’m scheduled for a tour on Saturday night and there is a high probability that I will have to do one tomorrow night as well.
- I need to work on getting all the stories down… like… within the next few days.
- My fucking drivers license will be officially expired tomorrow, so I gotta make it down to the MVD and deal with that shit.
- I’m having issues dealing with a financial aid thing that I’m trying to get and they are being difficult difficult lemon difficult.
So yeah, I’m like… feeling super fucking overwhelmed. Also I’m pretty sure my period is about to start in the next few days, which is definitely definitely not helping me feel stable and calm. I’m having emotions and thinking about personal life shit and it’s all too much man. I’m trying really hard not to freak the fuck out tbh. I’m even feeling some bullshit self destructive urges which hasn’t happened in a while. I need to chill out and I need to fucking work. So that’s what I’m going to try to do right now, for the next few hours. I might update this or I might not, we’ll see. peace.
*update* 1:50am. Wrote all 5 freelance articles. Didn’t do any of the weird side project but might spend a few minutes knocking some out before I go to bed. My plan is to *hopefully* *knocks on wood* get that quiz sorted tomorrow and finish everything else for that class and go deal with my drivers’ license. Then I’ll have Saturday before my tour and Sunday before Kansas midnight to do the paper. The shit that’s due on Monday I’ll do on Monday before Kansas midnight. That’s my plan. That’s the plan. We’ll see. We’ll see. We’ll see. Okay, night. *Update again* lmao I forgot to figure out when I’m going to make time to write out / memorize / practice all my ghost stories. Lmao. I guess I’ll just have to cram that in somewhere. Tight. Cool. Cool. Tight. Okay, peace for realz
It’s 9pm, and I’m doing all of the freelance work that’s due tomorrow that I fucking forgot to do. LMAO. Like I legit just fucking forgot about it. That’s…. my bad for sure for sure. That’s the first thing that’s almost slipped thru the cracks since I started full time grad school on top of the two jobs that I apparently have. Soooo yeah. I’m working on that shit now. Oh, also I’m trying to do a little of that weird side work that’s still going on. ugh. Alright, 2/5 articles written, about 95% done with as much weird side work as I said I’d do. Alright, 4/5 articles written. I can’t believe how fucking sick I got last night, and how sick I felt today. Ugh. gross. That was fucking stupid and bad to do to myself. ugh. gross. I don’t even really know how it happened, but it happened. Oh well I guess. lol oh no! Now I just want to be smol and do dumb activities and color and not have to think about adult responsibilities. Oh no! What’s happening to meeeee?! Speaking of adult responsibilities, my fucking drivers’ license expires tomorrow. Soooo like…. that’s a thing that I need to deal with. ugh. ugh. ugh. ugh. ugh. ugh. ugh. ugh. Also, ugh, I just had to pay $70 for electricity because they keep bugging me and saying shit like “hey, man, hey, we’re gunna shut off your electricity if you don’t pay us” ugh. ugh. ugh. Having to pay for electricity. Gross. Gross. Okay, 5/5 articles written, 100% done with as much weird side work as I said I’d do. That’s good. I seriously almost 100% forgot to do it, jesus christ, that would have sucked a lot. Sorrryyyy editor, for doing them all last minute style. I usually have em done well in advance, so honestly she can deal. I kinda wanna get a leopard gecko. I dunno if it’s really a good idea. It would be an additional electricity expense, and an additional food expense, and I’d have to keep a supply of insects around, and it would be an initial expense, and I reeeeallly can’t be throwing money around yo. But it also sounds fun and they are super fucking cute and I want one. soooo … we’ll see I guess lol. If I move my snake to her big ass tank I would have basically everything I need except for like two things. Sooo… I dunno. I want to, I prrrobably shouldn’t, but it sounds hella fun and I want to lol. *takes a benadryl* I should try and catch a couple hours of sleep pretty soon here. I have to work tomorrow night. I need to do more work on everything really. ugh. Okay, I’m outtie.
Is this a place I’ve been in a dream? Do I dream now? No. Painfully clearly no. A strange and jarring alarm will sound in just a half hour. I’ve slept only an hour, but finished three assignments. It’s strange again to be a student. It’s strange again. A good day. Visits with friends and family. All of them want to see me. All of them want to see me perform. I am less afraid to disappoint than I was just yesterday. It’s all building and bubbling and coming together. Two days off after tomorrow. The note was very nice. A good surprise for me and only me and love. It’s stupid probably, but sometimes it bothers me to think that maybe there are people out there in the world wishing that I was out of the picture. Wondering in their little secret hearts what could be if I was. I imagine I feel the phantoms of their negative thoughts about me, fluttering like moth wings, alighting on my shoulders and leaving a powder fine residue behind. I dunno. Ten minutes and ten seconds now until a warp core collapse. I’m at the point in my new piercing’s healing process where I have to start disregarding the prescribed aftercare. I know what works for my body. I know what sort of aftercare I need.