Whut up birches? (the birch really is a lovely tree you know, definitely underrated) hahaha. haha. IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII feel baaaaaaaaad! Suddenly feeling super overwhelmed. Like… I have 2 15 page papers due within the next few weeks, along with my regular weekly work, *and* two freelance projects just started up again, and I’m getting pressure from clients to do more of that, and I really sorta *need* to do more of that, because I’m running very very low on money now. So like… that is a thing. Speaking of things that are things, is Dom Drop(tm) really a thing? because I kiiinnnddddaaaa feel like I’m experiencing it right now. Today. This afternoon. Right now. File that in the big folder of Things I Don’t Know How To Deal With. I feel like obsessively watching videos about how to do different types of ladder ties isn’t *exactly* the right way to deal with it, buuuut uuuhhh…. well, you saw what folder I put it in, what do you expect? I’ve been relentlessly putting forward my strongest, fiercest self (and it’s good. I like her, A Lot) but suddenly right now I am feeling… emotional implications?? of doing this so much and really just not…. leaving myself room to even *have* any type of negative emotion that could potentially make me feel weak within that head space, if that makes sense. And now they are oozing through around the edges, (and sort of trying to leak out of my eye holes, but I’m really not feelin’ that) Anyway, yeah. I dunno. whatever. I have to keep moving. I arranged for my family to meet up for dinner tonight, because I want to see them and also like… just get out of my little world for a minute?? I feel weirdly trapped. I want to go to a bar, or go to the zoo, (too late it’s closed) or really just… go anywhere, I dunno. ugh. Feelings are stupid. I should really be doing some fucking work, but I’m like…. really just not feelin’ it man. ANyway, uuuuhhhhhhhhhhhhh…. bye
I hold the world at bay and hold
Sterile needles in my hands
Breathe out slow as I push
Through and through and through
I hold the darkness at bay and hold
Knotted ropes in my hands
Heart rate slows as I pull
Through and through and through
Dudes I’m so tired. (she says, again, for the thousandth time) Hey, shut the fuck up judgmental italics voice, this is a place I often come when I’m tired, so it’s natural that I would mention it… a lot. Anyway, shut the fuck up. (Whatever you say, sleepsy McGee) I swear to god… you need to shut the fuck up. Two of my friends came to see my tour tonight, it was sort of last minute, but it was cool to have them come and see it. It went pretty well overall, but I couldn’t help but feel… extra nervous having them there??? I don’t know why I would feel more nervous around my friends than fucking strangers… buuut oh well I guess. I *think* they liked it, I think they had fun. (Judgmental italics voice is trying to be a dick and tell me that those things aren’t true, that they thought it was dumb and I was dumb… but… judgmental italics voice needs to shut the fuck up). Aw man, I should have given them a button. I meant to, but I just forgot. It’s a lot. everything is a lot. My voice is fucking tired, it hurts and I can tell it’s starting to sound ragged. I really really hope I don’t have to fucking work tomorrow. I could have and maybe should have like… texted The Boss Lady and told her my voice is feeling not awesome and it would be great to have a night to rest it, but like… I hate doing things like that, and apparently I would rather gamble and possibly suffer, because I can’t stand the thought of looking even slightly weak or slightly unreliable. **thumbs up** (#dommeaesthetic) I did get another five star review yesterday tho, and a group asked me to take a picture with them after the tour, which was cute. I just finished all of my school work that is due tomorrow, so hopefully I can have some time to work on other projects. I want to do my big snake tank project, and I want to / really fucking need to get some exercise. I really need to figure out ways to incorporate more exercise into my daily routine, even when I have tours, even when I have school work to do. I need to make time for it, I need to prioritize it. It can be hard to schedule and figure out how to get it done with time to shower and be presentable by 7pm… but I need to get it figured out, because I’m starting to feel real fucking shitty about it. Anyway, yeah. There are lots of other things I want to do as well. (oh shit, it’s suddenly 4am lmao) I want to practice rope work (I’m quite pleased with the little ~appropriate for public wear~ collar and cuff set that I made from para-cord, and I want to try more things) I want to have time to just… be able to think about things I want to try, things I want to orchestrate, if that makes sense. I don’t want to just have to snatch little snippets of thoughts as I’m trying to mostly shut them up and concentrate on whatever piece of work I’m trying to do. The ability to just spend hours thinking about it and planning things out sounds so lovely and luxurious to me right now. I want to look into the viability of corks on needle ends. I want to study knots and boots and ginger roots. I want to hone myself into a fine sharp blade. I want time, time, time.
I’m a unicorn now apparently. I’ve gotten two messages on my *new* tumblr from random dudes in the last two days, trying to talk to me and whatever. Wanting in on this in some strange internet way. “So you’re a domme?” One asks, though the answer would appear fairly obvious, and my answer is true and good. “I’m whatever I choose to make of myself, that included.” Last night was lovely and not long enough. Time holds greater cruelties than ever I could devise. I grow at ease with myself, in a way I find surprising. A growled exhale and there are embers on my breath. My thoughts race and riot, and there’s never enough time for it all, but it’s good. My life is strange but I feel, in a way, more at peace than I have in a long time. *knocks on wood*
I’ve got a lot of stuff on my only-est plate. I’m so fucking exhausted and I really just want to be asleep now, but like I said… stuff. plate. My last entry was suuuuper dark, and I’m kinda sorry about that, but it was for sure how I felt at the time. I’m not 100% sure how this one is going to come across, but oh well lmao. Let’s just get into it.
- Activities happened last night. The “away mission” and the first part of the night went really well and were very fun, but then it sorta fell apart in a big way. Shit got weird and emotional AF and I ended up talking about shit I wasn’t really planning on talking about. I still feel kinda bad, like I fucked it up and didn’t read the situation right. It felt so big, like so much was riding on it… but… yeah. I dunno. If the S.O is okay, and okay with it than ultimately I am as well, and we can move forward.
- I managed to bruise the absolute shit out of my palm during said activities. I really don’t bruise easily **at all** so this is like… serious business. It goes all the way up to my fingers. It’s really fucking annoying ’cause it’s my right hand and I use it for literally everything. It doesn’t show up super well in pics, but here’s proof for posterity.
- I have a mid-term that I have to take tomorrow, and I should be studying for it right now instead of writing this shit. I’m kinda nervous about it, I’m not going to lie. It’s a two hour test with essay questions and shit. (open internet tho lol)
- Tomorrow is Friday the 13th, in October, and I’m a ghost tour guide. It’s going to be absolutely fucking packed, there are already 56 people signed up for the 8pm tour and 45 people signed up for the 10pm tour. I’m guide #2 for both, and I will probably have to do both, and that’s really going to fucking suck. Same deal for Saturday, but fewer people so far.
- My little brother is the best, and he brought me some absolutely foul tasting “singers saving grace” throat spray to help my voice not get fucked up when I have to talk for 3 hours straight.
- I have a bunch of other homework due on Sunday, including a weird thing for my film class where I have to watch a (probably super boring) movie and do all kinds of screen shots and write about them and shit. And I’ll *probably* have a tour Sunday as well, unless I get magically super lucky.
- Oh shit, I’m supposed to memorize a fucking list of Friday the 13th facts before my tour tomorrow. lmfao. awesome.
- I really need to get my shit together as far as eating better and exercising more is concerned. I want to continue to make progress, and I certainly don’t want to lose the progress I have made. I need to get my shit together in that arena. I’ve been so busy, but I need to make time for it and I need to be mindful, vigilant. It’s really that simple.
- Today was pretty nice tho. I didn’t do shit, even though I definitely should have. Like a full day of doing nothing, of softness and aftercare. And my love falling asleep on my chest while I held them. Just fully asleep, head on my chest, wrapped in my arms. Safe. Mine. That was honestly the most calm and peaceful and just… content I’ve felt in like… a long time. Too long.
Highest amount of tips I’ve ever gotten, by a wide margin. Close to the highest I’ve ever seen anyone get. I just threw myself into the stories, telling and telling and trying really fucking hard not to think as I was walking between stops. I did great, and it was so fucking awful. It felt so fucking awful. I don’t know how I’m going to do this. I don’t know if I can make it. I was originally #3 tomorrow, probably off thank fucking christ, but now I’m at #2, with 11 people already signed up, and I’ll almost certainly have to fucking go. And then I’m signed up as #1 or #2 for every fucking day this week except Thursday, when I’m #4. Friday and Saturday, FRIDAY AND SATURDAY I’m #2 for the 8:00 **and** the 10:00. Hahahaha I’m literally fucking crying right now, I have no fucking idea how I’m going to physically handle that… let alone how I’m going to even remotely emotionally handle that shit yo. Being so fucking ON, acting and smiling and talking and talking for THREE PLUS FUCKING HOURS both of those nights?? Honestly, right now, that sounds like pure and total hell. I feel physically sick thinking about having to do that with this heavy shit on my heart. I’m seriously regretting ever getting this job right now. It’s supposed to be fun, a random something extra to do on the side. But right now I just want to hide in a blanket for a couple days, or hide at my parents house, or just be at fucking home yo. I seriously don’t know how the fuck I’m going to handle even one more night working feeling how I did tonight. And I’m probably going to have to do them all. Oh my god. what am I going to do? And I have homework. Lots of it. Due tomorrow, due Tuesday, Due Thursday and Sunday. I feel completely fucking gutted. Honestly, I have no idea what the fuck I’m going to do. What the fuck am I going to do? What the fuck am I going to do? What the fuck am I going to do? what the fuck am I going to do? what the fuck am I going to do? what the fuck am I going to do? what the fuck
Worn and worn down. Got the night off tomorrow which is really really nice, after that it’s all on call and I have no idea how that’s going to shake out. But I’m getting used to it??? I think??? sort of??? I do better and better every time, that’s a true fact. Now I’m here, at home, and I just realized that I have a discussion board assignment due in like 45 minutes. That’s tight. Also, I have to finish my stupid bio for the tour website, also, I have to clean and oil my gun and load mags and lock it back up in it’s secret safe. My life is weird. Today has been… weird. It’s amazing how draining just … being in the sun for an extended period of time can be. I used sunscreen but I still look darkened, possibly burnt. I have a bruise on my shoulder. I thought my dad was exaggerating about that recoil but he was not. Okay, I finished the discussion, now I have to reply to some other peoples’, but that’s not due ’till the 5th, but I should probably just take care of it tonight so I can not worry about that. I just paid rent, and internet, and electricity, and credit card bills, so peace out $800 lmfaooooooo RIP. RIP. RIP. RIP. Okay, whatever. I don’t have to pay anything else ’till the 15th, and I should be okay, as long as I chill the fuck out and stop spending money on shit lmao. There’s so much stuff I want, it really sucks being broke all the time. I want a new bed, a new mattress, because ours is faaaairrrllyyyy terrible at this point in time. I want a new couch, for the same reason. I want a .22 and a leopard gecko, and a second car for a 2 person household. Buuut, oh well. At the moment this list isn’t helpful, at all, so I’m just going to move on. I need to deposit my ghost check. Tomorrow I would love to have just a fun, chill day, maybe go see IT, maybe just straight chill. I really need to hit up the zoo and aquarium some more times. I really do. I should put effort into that soon. Like… real soon. Fuck, I’m tired yo. Okay, finished my bio. It’s short, but like, whatever… it’s probably fine. One more response to someone’s discussion post and I’m DONE, nothing else due ’till Sunday (a lot of stuff on Sunday and I need to work throughout the week, but I can prrrobably safely take tomorrow fully off. *knocks on wood*) Okay, done with my discussion. Now I just have to do some quick gun maintenance, and I can go to bed. peace.