Sutra

You could go through the graveyard
If you
Jumped the fence or pushed
The fence in
But instead you ride beside it
Steady speed wishing peace
To every stone you see
No way a ghost
Would hang around here
Just rocks across
From the city bus last stop
Why the fuck would a ghost
Hang around here
You get covered in the city real
Lock your bike to a water pipe
And go in to buy liquor
That ends up putting you
In an awkward position
To say the bone bare least
But try to sharply compensate
And in ten minutes you miss
Three days of lonesome rain

And why the sea is boiling hot

I’m so wicked sick of staring at spreadsheets for hours and hours and days and days. But I’ve still got a solid 6 days of that ahead of me. And hey! Hopefully more! Hopefully lots fucking more! Hopefully oceans more! Because I need the money and all working is suffering but at least with this I can suffer on my couch while fish tank kings plays in the background. And I don’t have to talk to anyone face to face, which is a massive bonus. But I really am incredibly sick of it. Like I haven’t had a single complete “day off” where I didn’t do any work since this batch started which was… like….some time last week? I don’t even remember exactly it’s all just a big blurr of lines and links and ones and zeros. But pretty sure it’s been at least a week. Yeah, definitely! Because I was doing some the night we got the snake. Yeah. Whatever. Keep it coming, I need the money. Please, keep it coming. I’m deal. I’m tired and I have a headache and I haven’t eaten anything today and it’s 5:30 pm but I didn’t really do that on purpose, it just happened and I was going to eat something earlier but my brother asked if I wanted to go to the gym right then so I went instead and now my boyyyyy is going to bring food home for me, which is awesome… because I’m mad hungry. Time is going too fast. It’s fall and this month went too fucking fast it was just my birthday a few days ago how is it already about to be October? I have so much shit I need to deal with I’m really not ready for it to be October. Suck as much as I can out of these days, between spreadsheet lines and links and lines. I taught myself how to play the jurassic park theme on my ukulele. I sounded it out on my own while I was very drunk. I’m kinda proud of myself, I’ve never actually tried to sound something out like that before and it was surprisingly easy.

Sleepasaurous wrecks

Dude since I stopped drinking during the week and stopped taking otc sleeping pills nearly every night I’ve been having trouble shutting off my brain and falling asleep. Wow, surprise surprise, right? So I lay here and try try try to keep my brain from obsessing over the past, all the bad things (yeah that’s you, yeah that’s you, yeah). And stressing over the future and getting the wild urge to get up and work and write and create. Our album is done. It’s ready. It’s mixed and mastered and now all we have to do is get all our sites in order, and fucking let it fly out into the world. I’m wicked anxious about that tbh. But a little excited. For now I really need to freaking zzzzzzzzzz. Let’s give it another try.

the life and times

Soooo I still haven’t heard back from my client who owes me $200, and who said there might be other types of work coming up that I’m interested in / need in order to have money. I sent her a second email yesterday evening, but have not heard back yet. I’m kinda (really) stressing about that. I need to work on lyrics for a song, I know Mike wants me to have them done and I want to have them done but I don’t yet. I just got back from the gym a few minutes ago. They gave me a new card a few days ago and when I went today they scanned the card and got all confused because it was registered to Robert ~somebody~ and not to me. Soooo that was fun. We got it straightened out. (I think) My life is super entertaining, Iiiiiii know. I want *things* and **thiiiiiingsssss** but it’s okay, I can deal. I was in the middle of a super sweet really graphic awesome style sex dream earlier but then someone texted me right at the best part and I woke up. Laaaame.  I need to go get “personal wage records” from the ISD office and I’m also stressed about doing my taxes and I might owe money and that would fucking suck super fucking way mad hard. @______________@ I’m not even sure how to file as a “self-employed” person or what I’m required to claim and ugh. I just hate being an adult except that I can get in anywhere and drink alcohol. (but if I wasn’t an adult I probably wouldn’t feel the need to drink tbh.) Ooookay, yeeeeeeah. I’m done writing this now so I’m gunna go.

Christmas Survival

Christmas with my extended family is notoriously chaotic. It just is. It is not something that we really enjoy doing, but it’s like… a mandatory part of being a part of the family. Usually it is just a few hours of chaos and noise and receiving some presents that I don’t want or need and wish people hadn’t spent money on. But this time…. this time was fucking chart topping. You see, I have this cousin, who is literally the worst person I’ve ever met in my entire life. He is fucking insane, and he is a hardcore alcoholic who drinks a handle of vodka to himself every fucking day. He drinks until he pukes up blood and he gets abusive toward his family when he’s drunk. He’s like 30-some years old and his parents still let him live with them despite this. They can’t bring themselves to throw him out onto the street, even though he completely deserves it. Anyway, it’s Christmas and we are at his parents’ new house that they just moved into, and he’s fucking drinking like crazy on the sly. He’s getting gross and over emotional and fucking crying and shit. I kinda have a feeling something bad is going to happen, but I’m hoping we will be out before it does. My boy and my brother and I drove together, so I tell them we should head out. My parents are about to leave too. We get all of our shit, we take it out to my brother’s car. We come back in to say a last goodbye to everyone, and as we approach the door we hear all kinds of fucking yelling. My garbage cousin is totally losing is fucking shit at my dad. Because my dad told him he needs to go to AA, and that what he’s doing to his family is not acceptable. His parents are restraining him and he keeps yelling that he’s going to kick my dad’s ass and shit like that. So I’m like… well… we can’t fucking leave now, we’re not going to leave my dad here while he’s threatening him. My mom is there, she’s telling my dad not to say anything else, saying we should all just leave. Then suddenly she fucking loses it. She charges over to garbage cousin where his parents are holding him and starts yelling “Get your fucking shit together! You are scaring your family. Get your fucking shit together” and a bunch of other shit that she yelled at him and my brother and I were like…. holy wow man. We’ve never seen our mom lose her cool and yell quite like that. It was so unexpected and just totally intense and we were both really proud of her. Other shit happened, lots more yelling and garbage cousin freaking out and generally being the worst person ever. He punched a hole in the wall of his parents new house. He alternated between crying / apologizing and screaming / raging and talking shit. He kept talking shit about my dad and my brother finally lost it. He started yelling, “don’t fucking talk to my dad that way! Don’t talk to anyone that way!” and I was proud of him for defending our dad and how he handled himself in general. We left shortly after that. The whole thing was just so fucking gross, like I can’t believe that such a terrible person even exists, and this kind of behavior from him is just like… normal for his family. They are used to dealing with it. But we were not going to sit by and watch that shit happen. Ugh. Yeah. It was some next level shit. Really awful and disgusting and uuuuuggghhhh. Anyway, yeah. Whatever. It is over, we survived it. That kid needs to be in a fucking institution, and I hope he does get institutionalized, like for a whole fucking year. That’s what he needs man. That’s the only thing that could possibly help him at this point in time. Sooooooooooooooo yeah. that was a few days ago and since then I’ve basically just been hiding and not really doing anything. It is a gift to myself, merry fucking christmas to me. I have things I need to take care of tomorrow, but today is free and I’m going to try and relax and breathe and just… be. You know? Yeah. I DO need to head out to the store and get some supplies and stuff. I should do that like *soon* bordering on *now* yup yup. cool story guys. yup. nice.

I brought you my bullets, you brought me your crushing sense of self-doubt

– Ugh. I should be doing work, but ugh. My stupid brain keeps telling me I want to drink, but I fucking shouldn’t… and I keep reminding myself that I drank a LOT yesterday and it didn’t even make me feel that awesome. It made me feel un-stressed for a few hours but I wasn’t very amused or happier or … anything really. Just consuming a shit ton of calories I don’t need. It wasn’t worth the cost my body paid. I saw this thing on Tumblr, and it was like a bunch of random thoughts people had had in the shower or something like that? Anyway, one of them was: “When you drink you are borrowing happiness from tomorrow.” and I thought it was pretty true and pretty insightful and I liked it.

– I had a dream earlier where I couldn’t wake up, and then I kept waking myself up in my dream but I didn’t actually ever wake up and it just left me feeling drained and weird. I went to the gym even though I felt a little sick and period-tastic. But if I keep drinking this much and consuming this much in general it’s never ever going to make a difference, even though I work out more than basically anyone I know… I still look like I work out less than basically anyone I know. Don’t get me wrong.. there are other benefits to working out, but I have specific benefits in mind that I’m really looking for.

– 3 out of 7 of my goldfish are still alive. Feeder fish are not exactly raised to live long lives, so I expected some casualties… but these 3 seem to be doing well. *knocks on wood*

– RIP Appa, RIP Black Star, RIP Kaoru, RIP Olympic Gold

– I found out I can buy the replacement part I need to fix my earbuds that I LOVE and my ferret fucking CHEWED TO DEATH for $10 which is cool because I can afford that and I can spend that much on myself with minimal guilt.

– I highly recommend ebooks from chegg.com because you can search within the chapter for specific terms and shit, it makes doing homework a *lot* easier. Almost 3 years an alumni and I’m still doing homework. Cool story bro.

– Okay, I need to get this stuff done. I’m out.