anx-me, anx-you, anxious

I feel gripped by a sick anxiety. About all of the work I have to do, about what I’m doing with my life in general, about my body, my family, my personal life. A twisting fear about somehow losing the things that are currently going well, and feeling right. Ugh. Maybe I would feel better if I wasn’t procrastinating at 1am. but. there you have it. I’m changed, changing, really a lot. It’s everything. It’s how I carry myself, how people speak to me. I can’t lull myself to sleep with the little submissive fantasies I’ve used for years, to feel calm and safe and drift off. It rubs me all the wrong ways, no longer soothing in the least. Interesting but I suppose not surprising. Maybe I should also have a semi-private journal for thoughts about this budding (growing, thriving) new business, instead of VagueBlogging(tm) about it here, but we’ll see. We’ll see. We’ll see.  We talk late into the night, drunk and honest with it, about having a family, and what that would be like. We walk through hypotheticals and agree, again and again, that we could probably be good at it, if we worked as a team, if we really wanted to make it happen. I like thinking about it but it also scares me a bit. A sick anxiety. Maybe I’ll feel better when the next couple weeks pass. Maybe. Hanukkah is next week already, which is toooo soooooon honestly. But I’ll have a bit of time, after the next couple weeks, or at least I should. A small break, to do more freelance stuff, and hopefully have more time to devote to my pressing interests. But that’s future time, and who knows what the hell. (not me, obviously) And now is now and I’ve really gotta fucking work. bye.

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garden

I’m suddenly feeling super overwhelmed again. I was feeling chill for a couple days but now I’m dying lmao. tight. tight. I just finished my homework assignment that’s due in 2 hours, and turned it in. I feel kinda sick, anxiety styles. I have tomorrow night off, but then I work for the next 5 fucking nights. That…… really sucks yo. It’s too fucking much. It’s honestly, seriously, too fucking much. I feel overwhelmed, and like I’m not a good enough ghost guide, and I need a ton of practice, and maybe really I’ll never be good enough, and maybe I don’t even really want to do this??? like… why am I even doing this?? It’s stressing me the fuck out?? And I reeeeallllyyy don’t wanna work for 5 nights straight. Also I have a 1,500 word essay about some shit I 100% haven’t read due on Friday, and 3 discussion board discussions from one class due Sunday, and a 400+ word discussion from another class due Sunday, and two assignments form my 4th class due Monday. … And I work Thurs, fri, sat, sun, and mon night. At least two of those nights are for sure *my* tours, and fucking two more of them might turn out to be, because one of the other guides just got fired, which I think was a fucking stupid ass move, because this is literally going to be the busiest month of the year, and they hired me so they could have an **extra** person, but now they’re basically back to square one except now they have someone suuuuuper inexperienced (me) Instead of someone with over a year of experience. Cool. Awesome. Awesome. Cool. Fuck. I need to practice my intro yo. I need to practice everything. I should probably stay up all night and get my homework done, right??? That would be the smart move, because I seriously fucking need **one** full day off, where I don’t have to do anything and I can maybe hopefully de-stress myself, or like… I dunno. Shit’s guna be unfortunate. It already feels unfortunate. I don’t know what the fuck I’m doing lmao. I should do more work now. peace.

an inconvenient thing to be

Preparing an offering of insufficient worth, for tomorrow when I have to show my hands all empty of coin or credit. A token and an unbelievably silly feeling one at that, but oh well I suppose. It is what it is, and I’ll have to bare empty hands either way, so I might as well. I might as well. I might as well. At least no one had to pay a ton of money to fix my car. That’s good. That’s important and also good. I’m holding that in my mind as a positive as I prepare to lay out my case. And I have all manner of strange tabs open here. This one and a dauntingly long list of work from home opportunities, and two tabs about how to take scientific surveys of fish populations, and copy block procedures in PDF form. I have more and more still open in my mind. Trying to relegate some to separate windows so I don’t have to see them see them see them see them so much so all the time. This coarse ground stone ground coffee has proved my doubts incorrect, as evidenced by my greyhound dashing heart and even somewhat slipstream mind. Good, because I need speed. I need speedy thoughts, but I can feel it rushing my anxiety as well, pushing it all suddenly urgent against my chest. As far as prices go that is one I’ll gladly pay, because such chest pains sit lightly upon me, born lighter and lighter with long practice. Feeling slow and feeling sleepy is at this time unacceptable. I’ve promises and miles and you know. you probably know.

I am two banks of the river

Talk about using my writing for evil. Talk about feeling soul sick about it. I’m writing some shit about dodging taxes by setting up offshore business shit. Honestly, I accepted the assignment without even knowing what they wanted me to write, just because I needed the work. But now I feel pretty dirty and gross about it. Honestly, I would probably have been like “just kidding, I can’t write this” except it’s a pretty new client and I’m trying to build up a good relationship with them. Last week: articles about gardening and garden pests. This week: fucking tax dodging grossness. Like… okay…  I wonder if my parents would be willing to bankroll me for a couple months if I used those months to write the stupid fucking novel that they are always bugging me to write. Like… I’m so fucking cynical I guess, compared to them. I like to think of it as more realistic really, but whatever. Like… between my whole family combined, we’ve come up with a lot of fucking cool creative shit, and nothing has ever really come from any of it. No real money, no real success. But still, when I talk to my mom about money, about what I should do with my life, most of her ideas are outlandish creative stuff. Write a novel, start a pie making company… like… what?? I love her optimism and stuff, honestly, but idk. It just seems… so unrealistic. idk. I need something reliable. I’m stressing myself to death. Seriously, it’s not cool and not good how much I’m stressing about everything. I need to chill the hell out. I need to figure out what I should do and fucking do it. I can’t go around with this huge anxiety knot in my stomach every fucking second, choking me, strangling me, boiling up and up and up. Tomorrow is the primary for my state, I already voted a few days ago, and then spent my Saturday morning at a totally bizarre delegate voting meeting, where I almost *became* a fucking delegate for my precinct, but then someone who actually wanted to do it showed up, so I didn’t have to, which was cool. yeah. I drank way too much this weekend, allowed myself to drink last night because of how stressed and anxious I was feeling. A couple hours of peace, at a high price. Saturday night was the nicest, I felt relatively free and had quite a bit of fun with my S.O. yeah. I dunno. I dunno what this post is about, and I dunno. I think now is a good time for me to go.

never ending story

I feel like i’m losing my fucking mind. 1,000 more lines before I can sleep. I feel sick with anxiety and it feels unraveled inside of me. gentle quick typing, barely lift the fingers but get the words out just fine. My dreams have been stress laced and strange. Dang, I hope I eventually get to sleep. I officially have a ticket to see Atreyu next week. (assuming nothing catastrophic happens between now and then. I’m really fucking paranoid okay? *knocks on wood*) Paying homage to my emo teenage self. Planning on going solo, which actually sounds nice and fun. No need to worry if anyone else is having a good time or whatever. Just me and me and me. I wonder if I still have a ratty old pair of skater shoes around here somewhere, to complete the emo kid ensemble I’m planning on rocking. Anyway, those are thoughts for a long time from now. For now I need to turn my thoughts to lines and links and getting my fucking work done. Have I mentioned I feel like I’m losing my fucking mind?? Because I really do. I feel so fucking freaked out about everything… and like… just a couple inches away from fucking panic. I’m trying to BREATHE and take shit easy, but it’s mad hard kid. It’s mad hard son. Please, just let me get through this work and at least get a few hours sleep. **insert general fear and agony here**

Freelance first glance

I’m having such a hard time concentrating on this work. Like seriously I can’t keep my freaking mind on task here. It’s so goddamn boring. Looking at thousands of lines of links and assessing their validity. Incredibly, mind-numbingly boring. So my brain peaces right the fuck out and gets distracted by other stuff instead. I took a break to take a walk with my brother and his dog (technically his girlfriend’s dog but I feel like if a dog lives in your house it’s your dog.) because I was feeling soooo fucking restless and I needed to get out of here for a little minute and get some fresh air. Haha. I still have so much more to do, this is insane. I should *not* be complaining tho, because assuming I finish it all and get paid in a timely manner (*knocks on wood*) it should be exactly enough, at the exact right time to pay my rent. (with $35 left over! wooooo sweeeeet!) And hopefully there will be at least one more batch after this one. (preferably more. *knocks on wood again*) In other news I really need to start getting my shit together for my grad school application. I have just over a month to apply and I have a lot of shit to get together. I’m pretty nervous about it TBH. I’m just very nervous in general about everything!!ii!!ii!!ii!!ii!! much nervous! very anxiety! wow! Thursday is thanksgiving and I’m not looking forward to it really. It’s basically my least fave holiday for lots of different reasons. But, whatever. All I can do is hope it isn’t a big monstrosity. God, I’m so fucking restless still. I want things and stuff and to be doing something creative instead of this mind killing sadness work. Even so, even so. I really need to concentrate. It’ll go a lot faster if I can make myself concentrate. Juuuust focus. Read the lines. Focus.