It makes me feel physically sick. Fucking stressing myself to death, being hyper fucking vigilant every second listening for those sounds. Never being fully comfortable or relaxed in my own apartment. I don’t know what the fuck to do. I don’t fucking know. I have no money, no fucking money at all, and no current work and I don’t know when it’s going to come and everything feels fucking hopeless and dead and I feel sick to my stomach and mentally sick and so fucking tired and the whole situation just sucks wicked bad. I feel paralyzed. like how can we continue to live here like this? It’s not healthy. It’s not right. I’m so tired and I’m not really a robot, I feel everything.
So a few days ago, the company that manages our apartment complex and a lot of other complexes around here, (Berger Briggs) stuck a big annoying sign advertising themselves in the grass by our apartment. Well, last night someone around here took it into their apartment, defaced it, and placed it outside once more.
Now, I have no way of knowing who performed this noble act, but I imagine it was a trio of brave, clever, striking young men and woman with love in their hearts and rum in their bellies. Then again, that’s just pure speculation.
I’m getting real tired of living in the space between two domiciles, sharing walls as thin and useless as a soggy paper plate. I fucking hate these new neighbors. Their constant smoking, their loud ass clomping around all the goddamn time, but more than fucking ANYTHING… that kid’s shitty ass music that seeps right into the bedroom while we are trying to sleep. My boyfriend has gone over there a few times to tell them to turn it down and explained when it would be okay to play it loud but those fuckers still don’t get it and they are disrespectful and I hate them. When I’m trying to sleep, every time I hear a noise I think might be their stupid fucking music again I feel fear. I feel stressed out and sick, because I don’t want it to be that and I don’t want to have to elevate this conflict or involve calling the apartment complex people because I just fucking hate that, and also they know we have ferrets and we aren’t supposed to have pets here so they could report us for that and really fuck us over if they wanted to be dicks about it. It’s just so not cool and so unnecessary and disrespectful and you could wear some motherfucking headphones you piece of shit. I just hate the whole situation and it makes me feel bad and I want some fucking personal space and not to have to deal with this sort of bullshit all the time. I want a house and I want it soon and I don’t care what it’s made of or how big it is as long as it has some sort of yard. Some sort of private outdoor space that separates it from other domiciles. But I’m still too poor to make that happen. Maybe soon-ish. Hopefully.
Aaaaaaanyway, I have been having a good amount of kinky sex the past couple days, and it has been really fun and nice and hot and good and helps me have a more positive outlook on the world at large. If I bruised easily I would totally have a handcuff bruise on at least one of my wrists, but I don’t bruise easily or very much at all so I just get to have it feel all tender and ouchy without the satisfaction of actually seeing a mark. 😛 (Although one time I had to go to a job interview with hella bruises and handcuff marks on my wrists and I didn’t notice until I was already there so that was slightly awkward.)… ButI I digress. I like this kind of thing and it has been a long time but it makes me feel good and it gives me access to a part of myself I enjoy and sometimes miss. I like having something around my neck and it looks like a normal style necklace but it is a collar secretly maybe secretly maybe.
Okay, I have to go and do work and get things done and stuff. I have sort of a lot of work to do and it’s all due at midnight. I’m wicked tired and should maybe make coffee. Going into Rio tomorrow I think, trying to get recording done.
Our neighbors stand outside and smoke cigarettes all the fucking time, on our shared porch area. It comes into the windows and invades the apartment with a sick, stale, cheap motel smell that I could certainly do without. I want a house, and a yard, and privacy. I want my own safe outdoor space. I want to be able to go outside whenever I want without wondering who I’m going to have to talk to, who I’m going to have to deal with. No shared walls and other people’s parties. Quiet, peaceful sleep is what I’m talking about. I want to make it happen but I don’t even fucking have a stable job like… **at all** and that complicates things to say the least. I don’t WANT a normal style stable job where I go to a place and do the thing all day every goddamn day. Sooo we’ll see. I AM determined to make it happen sooner rather than later. Paying to live in a place that isn’t yours is pretty lame. I’d rather pay money toward owning a place that was mine. … Plus I could have a dog. AaaAaaaaAAaaanyway, I just flossed my teeth, I’m rocking some oral hygiene. My little brother’s birthday is in 5 days. I think we are going to try and record again this Saturday… but I’m not 1,000% sure. Also I don’t really want to, but I will. I wanted to try and write a bass line for one song but I haven’t even tried yet and I dunno if I could even, but maybe I can. It’s a pretty simple part and maybe it won’t be too hard. -shrugs- -infinite shrugs- We need to find something cool to WATCH! because we don’t have any things. Any netflix movie or show recommendations are appreciated! I like horror and comedy and basically anything except slow, boring dramas and gross girly mushy unrealistic relationship bullshit.